Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe

The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially or used for profit in any way.

Hey there, Ryoga. How's it hanging, big guy?

Oh, c'mon, you know me. I'm your best buddy. I've been with you since you were a little kid. I was there when you got knocked into that spring that turns you into a pig, laughing my ass off.

Hey, let's face it, you're a funny guy. And you know what they say, we're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you. They're lying, of course. But that's life. And at least I admit it. Everybody else pretends to take you seriously while you're listening, but as soon as your back is turned, they break into chuckles. Who wouldn't? Like I said, you're just a funny guy.

I guess you could call me a sort of guardian angel. Sent to keep you from making a fool out of yourself any more than absolutely necessary. And good thing for you I'm here. Let's face it, you aren't the brightest bulb in the batch, kiddo. Remember all those times Ranma fooled you into thinking he was your fiancee, or sister, or whatever else? All those times, I could tell right away that you were going to make a fool of yourself. Okay, so I could've said something, but hey, a guy like me has to have a little fun once in a while, y'know? Besides, sometimes the only way somebody's going to learn is if you let him screw up, especially when he's as thick as you. So I kept quiet at the time, but after the whole thing was over I made damn sure you knew what an idiot you'd been and what a loser you'll always be. After all, what's a guardian for?

And now... well, it's my duty to tell you that you're being an idiot again, chum. Lately, you've been getting all hung up on this Akari babe. You've been showing up at her place day after day. Ignoring me when I try to show you a shortcut. She smiles at you, she feeds you, and you let it go to your head. You think she loves you. Sucker!

It's time for me to educate you in a few of the facts of life, pal of mine. First of all, there's one and only one reason this Akari wants you around: because you turn into a little piggy. That's the only reason she ever liked you in the first place. If you think she ever cared about you before she found that out, then, well... you must just be remembering wrong.

Second, even if she does like you as a person now, it's only because she doesn't know the real you. You've got her hoodwinked, but how long do you think that'll last? Any day now, she'll see what a stupid, clumsy oaf she's got for a boyfriend, and then where will you be? Say, maybe she even knows already. Maybe she's just playing along because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

So we aren't going over to see her today, my friend. Nope, I'm going to keep you from making an even bigger fool of yourself than you already have. Trust me on this one, big guy. Have I ever steered you wrong? Just leave little Akari alone; it'll be the best thing for the both of you. She'll find another guy, hopefully one with at least half a brain and more social graces than a wild yak this time. And you? You can just keep walking. After all, you're used to it, right? And this way, when you screw up, nobody needs to know about it. Being alone means you've got no worries.

Besides, you're never really alone. I'm with you the whole way. All the time. So cheer up, big fella.


AUTHOR NOTES: Character pieces generally aren't my thing, but I needed something to do for an hour challenge, and there you are. As always, comments are sought and welcomed.