A Vampire In Nerima
Category: Ranma shorts
Posted on May 16, 2013 by Gary
[SCENE: The Cat Cafe kitchen. Shampoo is busily slicing up vegetables when Cologne rushes in.]
COLOGNE: Shampoo! We must prepare ourselves. I've just received word that great danger is imminent.
SHAMPOO: Ai ya! What is it? Great-grandmother's favorite TV program being canceled?
COLOGNE: Worse even than that.
SHAMPOO: Why Great-grandmother waste so much time watch so much junk?
COLOGNE: Never mind, child. I've just spoken by telephone with the Amazon village seer. At precisely midnight on Halloween night, the Cat Cafe is going to be visited by... a vampire!
SHAMPOO: Oh no! Halloween is today! That too, too terrible!
COLOGNE: Indeed.
SHAMPOO: Cat Cafe close at eight tonight! Stupid vampire come at midnight, no going to get served!
[Cologne sighs, rolling her eyes]
COLOGNE: Shampoo, do you know what a vampire is?
[Turning her head, Shampoo contemplates for a moment. Then she holds two fingers of her hand out.]
SHAMPOO: Steeeee-rike!
[Cologne shakes her head ruefully]
COLOGNE: A vampire is an undead creature of evil, Shampoo. It stalks through the night, preying on attractive young women like you and me, paralyzing us with its hypnotic stare so that it may plunge its fangs deep into our necks and feast on the very blood that flows within our veins.
SHAMPOO: Me and who?
COLOGNE: Never mind. There isn't much time, and we must prepare. Vampires are a tough lot, and clever, but with a little preparation, we should be able to trap this one.
SHAMPOO: You not going to... [she faces forward, with a very worried look; dramatic music swells up] ... to send someone out as... bait?
[the music abruptly cuts off]
COLOGNE: No.
SHAMPOO: Oh.
[Cut to Tendo Dojo, where female Ranma breathes a sigh of relief.]
[Cut back to Cat Cafe.]
COLOGNE: I know exactly what to do. There's an ancient Amazon trick for dealing with vampires. Just come with me, and do exactly what I say.
SHAMPOO: Yes, Great-grandmother.
[Fade]
[SCENE: Nerima under dusk. A shadowy figure stalks the streets, its arms raised menacingly, its black and red cloak billowing behind.]
VAMPIRE: Ah! Ah! Ah! I moost find zome sveet yoong voman and feast upon her blood! Ah!
[Pan in closer. Our vampire is dressed in an old European-style full formal tuxedo. His hair is slicked back, and fangs protrude from his opened mouth.]
VAMPIRE: Vot is dees? [stops and reads the Cat Cafe sign] Ah! Surely a quaint estableeshmeent like zees vill employ many loovely vaitresses! Zey shall be unable to reseest my vampiric charms! Ah!
[He pushes on the door, and it slowly swings open. Cut to interior scene. The vampire enters to find row upon row of rollaway carts, each bearing a different variety of food under a heat lamp.]
VAMPIRE: AH! Zees moost be vun of zose all-you-cahn-eat Chinese places! Oh, how I used to loove zese places vhen I vas a leetle bat-boy back in Transylvania! [glances at the stairs, then back at the food] I shall sample joost a few delicacies before I return to the hunt. Ah!
[Cut to exterior shot to show the passage of time, then back to inside. The food tables are now partly empty, and our friend has a pile of dirty plates on the table in front of him.]
VAMPIRE: Oh, how deeleecious zat vas! But I moost be going. [stands up from his chair, then turns back to the food bar] On the other hand, vun more bowl of vonton soup wouldn't hurt! And maybe a few spreeng rolls!
[Another exterior shot. Dawn is beginning to creep in at the edges of the sky.]
[Cut back to interior. The food tables are all empty, except for the garlic chicken which is untouched. The vampire sits at a table on which rests a huge stack of plates. He pats his very full stomach.]
VAMPIRE: Oh, I am coompletely full. But I moost queeckly return to....
[Suddenly, light begins to stream in through the window.]
VAMPIRE: Ahhh! Eet ees ze sun! I am deestroyed! Vot a peeser! Aaaaaa!
[The vampire begins to smoke, and his body deflates like a punctured beach ball, leaving only a pile of clothes behind. After a few minutes, Cologne and Shampoo poke their heads down the stairwell, and then emerge from hiding.]
COLOGNE: You see? He's dead. I told you it would work.
SHAMPOO: Great-grandmother very smart. Where get such good idea for trap?
COLOGNE: Actually, it came from one of those TV shows that you think are a waste of time.
SHAMPOO: TV Show?
COLOGNE: Yes.
SHAMPOO: Which one?
COLOGNE: "Buffet, the Vampire Slayer."
SHAMPOO: Oh.
[Fade to black. End.]
COLOGNE: Shampoo! We must prepare ourselves. I've just received word that great danger is imminent.
SHAMPOO: Ai ya! What is it? Great-grandmother's favorite TV program being canceled?
COLOGNE: Worse even than that.
SHAMPOO: Why Great-grandmother waste so much time watch so much junk?
COLOGNE: Never mind, child. I've just spoken by telephone with the Amazon village seer. At precisely midnight on Halloween night, the Cat Cafe is going to be visited by... a vampire!
SHAMPOO: Oh no! Halloween is today! That too, too terrible!
COLOGNE: Indeed.
SHAMPOO: Cat Cafe close at eight tonight! Stupid vampire come at midnight, no going to get served!
[Cologne sighs, rolling her eyes]
COLOGNE: Shampoo, do you know what a vampire is?
[Turning her head, Shampoo contemplates for a moment. Then she holds two fingers of her hand out.]
SHAMPOO: Steeeee-rike!
[Cologne shakes her head ruefully]
COLOGNE: A vampire is an undead creature of evil, Shampoo. It stalks through the night, preying on attractive young women like you and me, paralyzing us with its hypnotic stare so that it may plunge its fangs deep into our necks and feast on the very blood that flows within our veins.
SHAMPOO: Me and who?
COLOGNE: Never mind. There isn't much time, and we must prepare. Vampires are a tough lot, and clever, but with a little preparation, we should be able to trap this one.
SHAMPOO: You not going to... [she faces forward, with a very worried look; dramatic music swells up] ... to send someone out as... bait?
[the music abruptly cuts off]
COLOGNE: No.
SHAMPOO: Oh.
[Cut to Tendo Dojo, where female Ranma breathes a sigh of relief.]
[Cut back to Cat Cafe.]
COLOGNE: I know exactly what to do. There's an ancient Amazon trick for dealing with vampires. Just come with me, and do exactly what I say.
SHAMPOO: Yes, Great-grandmother.
[Fade]
[SCENE: Nerima under dusk. A shadowy figure stalks the streets, its arms raised menacingly, its black and red cloak billowing behind.]
VAMPIRE: Ah! Ah! Ah! I moost find zome sveet yoong voman and feast upon her blood! Ah!
[Pan in closer. Our vampire is dressed in an old European-style full formal tuxedo. His hair is slicked back, and fangs protrude from his opened mouth.]
VAMPIRE: Vot is dees? [stops and reads the Cat Cafe sign] Ah! Surely a quaint estableeshmeent like zees vill employ many loovely vaitresses! Zey shall be unable to reseest my vampiric charms! Ah!
[He pushes on the door, and it slowly swings open. Cut to interior scene. The vampire enters to find row upon row of rollaway carts, each bearing a different variety of food under a heat lamp.]
VAMPIRE: AH! Zees moost be vun of zose all-you-cahn-eat Chinese places! Oh, how I used to loove zese places vhen I vas a leetle bat-boy back in Transylvania! [glances at the stairs, then back at the food] I shall sample joost a few delicacies before I return to the hunt. Ah!
[Cut to exterior shot to show the passage of time, then back to inside. The food tables are now partly empty, and our friend has a pile of dirty plates on the table in front of him.]
VAMPIRE: Oh, how deeleecious zat vas! But I moost be going. [stands up from his chair, then turns back to the food bar] On the other hand, vun more bowl of vonton soup wouldn't hurt! And maybe a few spreeng rolls!
[Another exterior shot. Dawn is beginning to creep in at the edges of the sky.]
[Cut back to interior. The food tables are all empty, except for the garlic chicken which is untouched. The vampire sits at a table on which rests a huge stack of plates. He pats his very full stomach.]
VAMPIRE: Oh, I am coompletely full. But I moost queeckly return to....
[Suddenly, light begins to stream in through the window.]
VAMPIRE: Ahhh! Eet ees ze sun! I am deestroyed! Vot a peeser! Aaaaaa!
[The vampire begins to smoke, and his body deflates like a punctured beach ball, leaving only a pile of clothes behind. After a few minutes, Cologne and Shampoo poke their heads down the stairwell, and then emerge from hiding.]
COLOGNE: You see? He's dead. I told you it would work.
SHAMPOO: Great-grandmother very smart. Where get such good idea for trap?
COLOGNE: Actually, it came from one of those TV shows that you think are a waste of time.
SHAMPOO: TV Show?
COLOGNE: Yes.
SHAMPOO: Which one?
COLOGNE: "Buffet, the Vampire Slayer."
SHAMPOO: Oh.
[Fade to black. End.]
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