A Ranma 1/2 Spamfic
by Gary Kleppe

"Ranma, you stupid jerk! You do things like this just to embarrass me, don't you!"

"Hey, I let that girl take me out to dinner 'cause I was hungry. How was I supposed to know she was gonna try that stuff?"

"Ranma! What have you done to Akane now? Prepare to die!"

"Nabiki, this was your idea! Tell Akane it wasn't my fault!"

"Sorry, Ranma, my memory's a bit hazy. Maybe an even five thousand yen might clear it."

A typical morning on a typical day at the Tendo Dojo. A typical opening for a typical fanfiction. But little did Ranma and friends know that their lives would soon be changed forever.

"Oh my, I guess that's my cue." Kasumi walked casually into the living room. "Ranma, there's someone here to see you!"

"It's not that Pantyhose creep, is it?" Ranma asked as he ducked under Ryoga's fist.

"Goodness, no. See for yourself!" She held out a small purple stuffed animal.

"It's--" Ranma gaped in surprise as his jaw dropped.

Sparkles of energy twirled around the animal. Abruptly it was gone. In its place stood a purple-colored dinosaur with a goofy smile on its face.

"It's Barney!!" everyone cheered.

The dinosaur spoke in a voice that was as dopey as its expression. "Hiya, kids! I'm here to teach you all some important lessons. And we'll have some fun too!"

Kasumi held out a teapot. "Would anyone like a cup? How about you, Mr. Barney?"

"Why thank you, Kasumi!" Barney somehow lifted a teacup between his large front paws. "You always do what you're supposed to. Such a good girl!"

"Oh my, why thank you!"

"Do we have ta do this?" Ranma said glumly. "I hate school."

Akane hit him with a conveniently-placed flowerpot. "Quiet, Ranma! Just listen to what he's got to say!"

"Our first lesson is honesty. Ranma, Akane, how do you really feel about each other?"

"Me? Who says I feel anything about this uncute tomboy?"

"Oh yeah? That goes double for me, Ranma!"

"Kids, admitting your true feelings is always risky. But if you don't, you might never know that the other person feels the same way. Now try again, and this time be honest."

"Okay." Akane took a deep breath. "Ranma, I-- I love you. I know I hit you and yell at you, but that's because I'm afraid of being hurt."

"Um, well, y'know, I love you too and stuff. It's just not easy to say, y'know? Guys ain't supposed to get all gushy. Y'wanna, like, get married?"

Barney leapt up and down joyfully as Ranma and Akane embraced each other. "I'm so happy! I'm going to sing a song!"

Soun Tendo rushed into the room. "Stop that! You're not going to do a song while I'm here!"

"Ranma!" Ryoga cried. "What are you doing to Akane? She deserves better than you!"

"Why, I think it's time for our next lesson!" Barney turned toward Ryoga. "Our next lesson is forgiveness! Ryoga, can you forgive Ranma?"

"No!" Ryoga snarled.

"But forgiveness is divine!" Barney laughed. "Ryoga, you've got a chance to start a new life. Don't waste your time chasing after Ranma."

"Oh, all right. Guess I'll go marry Akari... or Ukyo... is this story manga or anime based? Never mind, I'll just leave."

Ryoga wandered out the door as Barney cheered. "Oh, we're all just one big happy family!"

Akane rested her head on her fiance's shoulder. "Ranma, there's something I need to tell you. I hope you won't be upset...."

"'Course not." He gave her a kiss on the cheek. "What is it?"

"Well, the truth is... I actually like your girl side better, if you know what I mean."

"Nooo!" Barney cried. "Don't say that, even if it's true! The Barney show doesn't need hundreds of letters of complaint from religious fanatics!"

A section of wall abruptly caved in to reveal a familiar shapely Amazon. "Where Ranma? Shampoo want date with him!"

Mousse came up behind her. "Shampoo! Let me date with you!"

"Stupid Mousse!" Shampoo punched him in the gut. "Who ask you come here?"

"Why, I think it's time for our next lessons!" Barney said.

"I hope one of 'em's how to use a doorknob," Ranma said dryly.

"Mousse, you're trying too hard to smother Shampoo with attention. Back up a little and give her some space! After all, if she's going to love you, it has to be her decision, doesn't it?"

Mousse could only wheeze and clutch his stomach.

"Shampoo, you need to appreciate Mousse more. He's been so nice to you, what if he decided to quit and leave you behind? Who would you have then?"

"Mousse?" Shampoo gazed with big eyes. "You nice to me? Shampoo not notice before!"

"Uh... yes!" Mousse gasped out.

"Come, Mousse! We get married!" Shampoo grabbed him by the arm and bounded away.

"Oh, it's so wonderful being able to help people!" Barney said. "There's a song about it, that goes like this...."

"Cut that out! Cut that out!" Soun interrupted.

The door flew open. "Saotome!" Tatewaki Kuno strode proudly into the room. "Release Akane Tendo and the Pig-Tailed Girl at once!" He looked at the purple dinosaur. "What is this? Some foul demon you've conjured?"

Barney laughed. "Our next lesson is facing reality. Upperclassman Kuno, your 'Pig-Tailed Girl' is actually Ranma!"


"He's under a Jusenkyo curse that turns him female. And neither he nor Akane has any love for you whatsoever!"

"And why did no one inform me of these facts?"

"Hey, it ain't like we didn't try," Ranma said.

Barney looked towards Nabiki. "Now, another lesson for today is generosity."

"I suppose this one is for me?" Nabiki interrupted. "And I'm going to be married to Kuno-chan when it's over?"

Barney jumped up happily. "Oh, love is so special!"

"Well, that's good. Because Kuno-chan just happens to be a majority stockholder in Barney, Inc. Since generosity is so good, after we're married I think I'll go to your management and tell them to give away all of that Barney merchandise for free."


"Then I'll demand that the sweatshops where your Barney toys are made pay their workers union wages."

"No!!" Barney looked around desperately. "Kids, our lesson is when to leave well enough alone. Kasumi! YOU can marry Upperclassman Kuno!"

"Oh my!" Kasumi said. "But what about Dr. Tofu?"

"Never mind, I'll find someone else for him later. Oh, I'm so happy when everything works out for the best!"

Nabiki smirked. "Yup. One big happy family!"

The big happy family in question fell silent, looking around in confusion.

"Um... is that it? Is the fic over?" Ranma asked.

"Why, no!" Barney said. "In fact, it's going to switch to a totally different scene, right about... now!"

------- [Insert Section Break Marker Here] -------

Shiri looked over the woman standing in front of him. Her long blond hair wrapped into twin dumpling shapes, the too-small schoolgirl uniform she wore, made her look to him both sleazy and child-like at the same time.

She had to be selling it, he figured. Why else would she be out in his neighborhood in the evening dressed like this?

Or maybe she was one of those "Daddy's little girl" types; out to show everybody what she had, and how many million yen her father makes.

Either way, she'd never care much about a guy who didn't have any money; but it couldn't hurt to talk to her, he decided. "Hey, baby. I got it if you need it."

"Got what?" She turned and looked at Shiri quizzically. "I'm here because I hear reports that there was a youma in the area. Have you seen one?"

"A what? You mean like the little guy in that movie? 'Use the force, Luke!'"

"No! A youma! Y'know, a big monster,"

"Oh. Oh yeah. I got a big monster. C'mon over to my place, and I'll show ya."

"You do? Lead the way! As Earth's sworn champion, it is my duty to destroy it!"

"Hey! No way! All I meant was..." He leaned over to whisper something in her ear.

"Ew!" She slapped him across the face. "Unsanitary!"

Shiri nursed his bruised cheek. "You're Daddy's good little girl, ain't ya."

She planted herself into a dramatic pose. "I am Sailor Moon! Defender of justice and oppressor of evil! Or something like that."

Shiri struggled to think of a witty response. "Um... where's your boat?"


"You're a sailor, right?"

"I don't have time for this." Sailor Moon turned away, looking down the street. "That youma must be around here somewhere."

Shiri watched as a six-foot high purple dinosaur waddled into view. "Hi there!" it said.

Shiri stared at the goofy-looking creature. "Who're you supposed to be?"

"Why, I'm Barney, of course! And I'm here with another one of my lessons! Today, we're going to learn not to judge by appearances! Look at my good friend Sailor Moon over there. Despite the way she looks, she's actually Earth's greatest superhero. She's saved the world countless times from the hordes of evil!"

"No kiddin'," was all Shiri could think to say.

"It's true. Hello, Sailor Moon! How are you today?"

Sailor Moon turned. "A youma!"

"Huh? Why, it's me! Barney! I'm everyone's friend!"

She lifted her hands together high above her head. "Your youma-ing days are over! Moon Deep Fat Fry!!" A pale beam of energy blasted out from her hands.

The light ray burned into the dinosaur as he screamed in deathly agony. Gray smoke emanated from his head as his entire body collapsed like a deflated ball.

"That'll teach ya!" Sailor Moon said as she looked down at the remains of her target. All that was left was a small stuffed toy, its outside partly burned away, its stuffing spilling out on the sidewalk.

"Um..." Shiri stared into space, thinking about where he could go for psychiatric help.

Sailor Moon turned and proudly walked away. "My job here is done. Besides, there's a big sale today at Garakuta's department store!"

"Oh, I get it!" Shiri said to himself as he watched the woman recede into the distance. "That's why she's called Sale-or!"