Intercurse
Category: Ranma shorts
Posted on May 31, 2013 by Gary
INTERCURSE
Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe
The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially nor used for profit in any way.
*********
"Two order seafood ramen." Shampoo placed the bowls onto the table.
"Thanks, Shampoo," Daisuke said. It was nearly the end of the lunch shift; tables at the Cat Cafe were beginning to empty and the noise was dying down to a low murmur.
"You welcome." She smiled. "I going on break now. You want anything more, you talk to Mousse, okay?"
"Okay," Hiroshi said, and the two boys began to dig into their food.
"Shampoo, I need to talk with you for a moment," Cologne called from the kitchen.
"I tell you, we should write a letter to the editor," Hiroshi said between bites.
"Forget about it, man," Daisuke said. "It's just a stupid humor column."
"Yeah, I know, but naming the two of us as 'Least likely to get laid'? That's positively unfair."
"That's his schtick. He insults everybody. I mean, in the same column he called Ranma 'Most likely to win a martial arts tournament' and 'least likely to spell "tournament" correctly.' About the only one in our class he never insults is Akane, and that's for pretty obvious reasons."
Hiroshi nodded. "Okay, but I still think it's unfair. I mean, there are lots of guys in our class with less chance of getting laid than us."
"Dude, as long as we're in class with Ranma, no one has any chance. Except Ranma. And that's only if he wants to. Which he doesn't."
Hiroshi chuckled.
"Okay, I'll bite," Daisuke said. "Who in our class has less chance?"
Hiroshi thought for a moment. "Gosunkugi."
Daisuke rolled his eyes. "Better be more than that. I mean, being named 'Least likely to get laid except for Gosunkugi' isn't too good either."
Hiroshi thought some more, then pointed to a table two rows down.
Daisuke boggled. "Are you nuts? Kuno?! He's got looks, he's got money...."
"Maybe so, but he's such an obvious flake. I mean, chasing after multiple women is one thing, but letting those women know that you're doing it is a recipe for disaster. Women like to feel like you think they're special, even if you don't really."
"Like you're the expert." Daisuke smirked.
"It's the Charlie Brown principle: We learn more from losing than we do from winning. Which makes us the smartest people in the world."
"Good grief," Daisuke said.
*********
Shampoo met up with Cologne in the back room. "You want talk with me, Great-Grandmother?"
"Yes, child. I have good news. I spoke with some of the Elders from back home. The Council has voted to issue a pardon."
"Pardon me?"
Cologne nodded. "Right. They've pardoned you."
Shampoo shook her head. "No, I say 'Pardon me,' mean I no understand what you saying."
"Oh." Cologne decided she'd better start from the beginning. "You remember your failure to follow through and win Ranma's love after giving him the kiss of marriage. Your punishment for that was the training session at Jusenkyo, and consequently the curse that you picked up there."
"Uh huh."
"This decision, based on some complicated analysis of circumstances that I won't go into, excuses you from that punishment. I can now legally help you get rid of your curse."
"Great!" Shampoo cheered. "Ranma no like cat body." Her eyes scanned the room. "Great-grandmother bring back niangniquan water for me use?"
"No, child. It won't be that easy. Haven't you noticed how many times Ranma's tried to cure himself that way, and how it's never worked?"
Shampoo nodded, listening intently.
"A curse is a stubborn thing. It's almost like a living being. Once imposed, it doesn't *want* to be removed. If you try, something will always go wrong. Fully eradicating a curse is a job for an expert mystic, which I am most definitely not."
Shampoo sighed. "So what good this decision?"
"I'm coming to that. As I said, you can't safely just get rid of your curse. What you can do is transfer it to someone else. Curses are stubborn, but not all that finicky about who they affect. So, you pick an unsuspecting dupe; he gets your curse, and you get off free."
"Oh yes! What I need to do?"
Cologne hesitated for a moment. She wasn't Shampoo's official guardian, what with her father still in the picture; but after her granddaughter's departure she had raised the girl like a daughter, and felt responsible for keeping her on the right path. What she was about to advise was something that responsible parents worked hard to keep their teenage girls from doing.
On the other hand, the curse was an obstacle to her relationship with Ranma, and as such it needed to be removed, and this was the only feasible way of accomplishing that. An Amazon warrior did what was necessary.
"It's actually quite simple. There's a feature of Jusenkyo curses of which very few people are aware." Cologne swallowed. "They are transferred from person to person during unprotected intercourse."
Shampoo stared back blankly. "Pardon me?"
"I'm talking about sex. If you have sex with someone, he'll end up with your curse, and you'll be free of it."
Understanding dawned on Shampoo's face. Then her eyes narrowed thoughtfully. It was obvious that she was considering the only question that remained: who would be her dupe.
*********
Hiroshi and Daisuke stood at the register, a thousand-yen banknote in the latter's hand. They watched as Shampoo came back into the room and made a bee line straight to the table where Upperclassman Kuno sat. She stood beside his chair, bent down to look him directly in the face, and smiled. "You want go upstairs?"
"Eh?"
"You want go upstairs?" She winked at him. "With me?"
Kuno blinked several times. "No! You must not yield to temptation! It is wrong!" He kicked his seat away from the table and stood up. "And what of my love for Akane Tendo and the Pig-Tailed Girl?" He glanced toward the back. "Are the stairs that way?"
Shampoo nodded and, taking his hand in hers, led him away.
Hiroshi sighed.
"Don't worry," Daisuke said. "There's still Gosunkugi."
Cologne leaned toward them and spoke in a low, almost conspiratorial tone. "Take my word on this one, boys. There are some times when you don't want to be the one to get the pussy."
Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe
The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially nor used for profit in any way.
*********
"Two order seafood ramen." Shampoo placed the bowls onto the table.
"Thanks, Shampoo," Daisuke said. It was nearly the end of the lunch shift; tables at the Cat Cafe were beginning to empty and the noise was dying down to a low murmur.
"You welcome." She smiled. "I going on break now. You want anything more, you talk to Mousse, okay?"
"Okay," Hiroshi said, and the two boys began to dig into their food.
"Shampoo, I need to talk with you for a moment," Cologne called from the kitchen.
"I tell you, we should write a letter to the editor," Hiroshi said between bites.
"Forget about it, man," Daisuke said. "It's just a stupid humor column."
"Yeah, I know, but naming the two of us as 'Least likely to get laid'? That's positively unfair."
"That's his schtick. He insults everybody. I mean, in the same column he called Ranma 'Most likely to win a martial arts tournament' and 'least likely to spell "tournament" correctly.' About the only one in our class he never insults is Akane, and that's for pretty obvious reasons."
Hiroshi nodded. "Okay, but I still think it's unfair. I mean, there are lots of guys in our class with less chance of getting laid than us."
"Dude, as long as we're in class with Ranma, no one has any chance. Except Ranma. And that's only if he wants to. Which he doesn't."
Hiroshi chuckled.
"Okay, I'll bite," Daisuke said. "Who in our class has less chance?"
Hiroshi thought for a moment. "Gosunkugi."
Daisuke rolled his eyes. "Better be more than that. I mean, being named 'Least likely to get laid except for Gosunkugi' isn't too good either."
Hiroshi thought some more, then pointed to a table two rows down.
Daisuke boggled. "Are you nuts? Kuno?! He's got looks, he's got money...."
"Maybe so, but he's such an obvious flake. I mean, chasing after multiple women is one thing, but letting those women know that you're doing it is a recipe for disaster. Women like to feel like you think they're special, even if you don't really."
"Like you're the expert." Daisuke smirked.
"It's the Charlie Brown principle: We learn more from losing than we do from winning. Which makes us the smartest people in the world."
"Good grief," Daisuke said.
*********
Shampoo met up with Cologne in the back room. "You want talk with me, Great-Grandmother?"
"Yes, child. I have good news. I spoke with some of the Elders from back home. The Council has voted to issue a pardon."
"Pardon me?"
Cologne nodded. "Right. They've pardoned you."
Shampoo shook her head. "No, I say 'Pardon me,' mean I no understand what you saying."
"Oh." Cologne decided she'd better start from the beginning. "You remember your failure to follow through and win Ranma's love after giving him the kiss of marriage. Your punishment for that was the training session at Jusenkyo, and consequently the curse that you picked up there."
"Uh huh."
"This decision, based on some complicated analysis of circumstances that I won't go into, excuses you from that punishment. I can now legally help you get rid of your curse."
"Great!" Shampoo cheered. "Ranma no like cat body." Her eyes scanned the room. "Great-grandmother bring back niangniquan water for me use?"
"No, child. It won't be that easy. Haven't you noticed how many times Ranma's tried to cure himself that way, and how it's never worked?"
Shampoo nodded, listening intently.
"A curse is a stubborn thing. It's almost like a living being. Once imposed, it doesn't *want* to be removed. If you try, something will always go wrong. Fully eradicating a curse is a job for an expert mystic, which I am most definitely not."
Shampoo sighed. "So what good this decision?"
"I'm coming to that. As I said, you can't safely just get rid of your curse. What you can do is transfer it to someone else. Curses are stubborn, but not all that finicky about who they affect. So, you pick an unsuspecting dupe; he gets your curse, and you get off free."
"Oh yes! What I need to do?"
Cologne hesitated for a moment. She wasn't Shampoo's official guardian, what with her father still in the picture; but after her granddaughter's departure she had raised the girl like a daughter, and felt responsible for keeping her on the right path. What she was about to advise was something that responsible parents worked hard to keep their teenage girls from doing.
On the other hand, the curse was an obstacle to her relationship with Ranma, and as such it needed to be removed, and this was the only feasible way of accomplishing that. An Amazon warrior did what was necessary.
"It's actually quite simple. There's a feature of Jusenkyo curses of which very few people are aware." Cologne swallowed. "They are transferred from person to person during unprotected intercourse."
Shampoo stared back blankly. "Pardon me?"
"I'm talking about sex. If you have sex with someone, he'll end up with your curse, and you'll be free of it."
Understanding dawned on Shampoo's face. Then her eyes narrowed thoughtfully. It was obvious that she was considering the only question that remained: who would be her dupe.
*********
Hiroshi and Daisuke stood at the register, a thousand-yen banknote in the latter's hand. They watched as Shampoo came back into the room and made a bee line straight to the table where Upperclassman Kuno sat. She stood beside his chair, bent down to look him directly in the face, and smiled. "You want go upstairs?"
"Eh?"
"You want go upstairs?" She winked at him. "With me?"
Kuno blinked several times. "No! You must not yield to temptation! It is wrong!" He kicked his seat away from the table and stood up. "And what of my love for Akane Tendo and the Pig-Tailed Girl?" He glanced toward the back. "Are the stairs that way?"
Shampoo nodded and, taking his hand in hers, led him away.
Hiroshi sighed.
"Don't worry," Daisuke said. "There's still Gosunkugi."
Cologne leaned toward them and spoke in a low, almost conspiratorial tone. "Take my word on this one, boys. There are some times when you don't want to be the one to get the pussy."
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