[Scene: Gary, Hiroshi, and Daisuke are in a room that's bare except for
a computer monitor.]

Gary: Hey, everybody. Welcome to another installment of SHONEN SUNDAY
THEATER 3000. My silly cohorts and I have been locked in here by an
insane principal, in order that we might read fanfics and make clever
commentary on them.

Daisuke: Yeah, and for some reason he won't send us any lemons.

Hiroshi: Yeah, what's his problem?

Gary: As the name implies, this is supposed to be a weekly feature,
though list irregularities and my general laziness have gotten in the
way. [The computer screen activates.] Hey, the Principal is calling.

[Miss Hinako appears on screen.]

Hiroshi: Miss Hinako? Where's the Principal?

Hinako: He's stepped out for a moment. But he's left me, his assistant,
in charge. You naughty boys had better watch it!

Daisuke: Why? It's not like you can drain our ki through a computer
screen! HAHAHAHA!!!

Hiroshi: Yeah! We're safe! BWAHAHAHA!!


[Gary, Hiroshi, and Daisuke's energy gets sucked out through the
monitor, and Hinako goes to full adult size.]

Gary: ... jerks. Why do I have to suffer because of you guys? ...

Hinako: Your story for today is "Kasumi's Little Secret". It's by
Anthony Woo , and its FFML archive number is 37169.

[fic comes on screen]

>This is not a Lemon.

(Hiroshi & Daisuke sigh in disappointment)

> Nor is this a Darkfic. I'm not sure what genre this
>fits into but I'm absolutely sure that it's _not_ either of those.
>Kasumi's Little Secret

Gary: What do you suppose her little secret is, guys?

Hiroshi: That she doesn't bathe.

Gary: Huh?

Hiroshi: I heard it on one of the rec.arts.anime groups. Go back and
read the "Battle at the Bathhouse" storyline. Where was Kasumi? Not at
the bathhouse!

Gary: That doesn't necessarily mean...

Hiroshi: Why do you think Happosai leaves her alone, huh?

Daisuke: Kasumi doesn't *need* to bathe. She's always perfectly clean.

Gary: Let's just read the fic...

>Part 1: Kasumi in the Dojo
>A Ranma 1/2 FanFiction
>Version 1.2
>All characters are owned by Rumiko Takahashi.
>Please don't sue me ; )
> It was a fairly normal Friday in Nerima. Ranma was taking the
>express route home courtesy of Akane's Hammerspace Airlines. <Well,> he
>thought as he crashed into the Tendo's pond, <This is one way to get home

Gary: That should be the Tendos' pond, since there's more than one

> Ranma-chan slogged out of the pond towards the house. <I need
>some hot water to change she ought as she passed the dojo and glanced in.

Hiroshi: She ought what?

Daisuke: She ought to skip the hot water. She looks better the way she

Gary: He meant 'thought' instead of 'ought'. Also there should have been
a '>' after 'change'.

> Ranma went back to the dojo and looked in. She hadn't been
>imagining things. Kasumi was there in her gi moving across the floor in
>what looked, at first glance, like a slow, complex, and graceful dance.
><It's not just a dance,> Ranma thought as she watched in amazement. She
>recognized several of Kasumi movements as marital arts techniques, there

Hiroshi: Marital arts techniques?? I thought this wasn't going to be a

Daisuke: Dummy! If this were a lemon, he'd have given explicit

Gary: Guys, it's supposed to be 'martial arts'.

Daisuke: AJ is competing with Keener for the Most Embarrassing Typo

>were a couple of simple kicks and several complex joint locks. Ranma was
>simply shocked. He had never imagined _Kasumi_ engaging in martial arts.

Gary: I think that should be 'she'. That's how female Ranma has been
referred to up until now.

Hiroshi: You know, I *have* imagined Kasumi doing martial arts. But then
I've imangined a lot of things.

Daisuke: You sure it wasn't marital arts?

>Ranma was curious too.

Gary: I think 'shocked' would already imply that Ranma was curious. The
point here is that Ranma was curious about the particular moves, so
maybe something like that could be said.

> She was unaware of any kata that was performed as
>slowly as Kasumi was moving. Most kata's were best done slow if you were

Gary: katas; no apostrophe.

>just beginning to learn it but Kasumi's movements were graceful and

Gary: just beginning to learn them

> Presently Kasumi finished her kata, bowed to the dojo, and turned

Daisuke: I suppose that's okay, but if the dojo bows back you should be

> "Yeah, yeah," she said waving her hand dismisively, "I'll be fine.

Gary: dismissively.

> "How'd you do that?" Ranma asked puzzled by her defeat.

Gary: asked,

> As the Ranma and Akane's fight made itself heard in the bathroom

Daisuke: 'The' Ranma? "There can be only one."

Gary: The 'the' shouldn't be there.

>Kasumi sighed again. <Some self control would help a little too,> she
>thought, <Maybe, just maybe, I can train some of these things into him.>

Hiroshi: Don't bet on it!

> The sun was in the process of rising when Ranma's alarm went off.
>Ranma's eyes cracked open as he peered out the window. Instinctively he
>reached out to pound the alarm into silence as he realized that the sun
>had not yet risen. <Why's my alarm goin' off at this time anyway?> he
>asked himself as his fist began it's decent. <It's not like I have t'get

Gary: 'its descent'

><Begin Flashback

Hiroshi: Why do people put these things? Don't they think we can tell
that it's a flashback?!?

> "Oh my," Kasumi said. "Well since you have school and I am far
>too busy once every one gets home...how about tomorrow morning?"

Gary: everyone (one word)

> "The things I put up with for martial arts trainin'," Ranma
>grumbled as he made his way into the bathroom.

Daisuke: He's training there? Must be martial arts potty training!

Gary: That was a cheap one.

> "Ranma no baka," she groaned as she flopped onto her back, and
>tried to get back to sleep.

Hiroshi: Looks like this is gonna be one of those stories where this is
the only kind of line Akane gets.

> "Because it's part of your training Ranma-kun," Kasumi said.
>Ranma was wearing his usual balck pants and red silk shirt; while Kasumi

Gary: black

>was wearing her white karate-gi. The two of them were standing on the
>fence surrounding the Tendo residence, balancing on one leg. Ranma was
>constantly fidgiting, shifting from one stance to another. Kasumi simply

Gary: fidgeting

> "Please stop asking questions Ranma-kun," Kasumi interrupted,
>"just watch the sunrise." Kasumi smiled as she remembered when someone
>had said those exact same words to her.

Hiroshi: It was Nabiki. (Nabiki voice) Just watch the sunrise, while I
grab your wallet!

Daisuke: Nah, Nabiki's got a LITTLE more class than that.

> The first rays of the sun peeked above the horizon, pushing back
>the darkness of the rapidly fading night. Kasumi stood, enchanted by the
>wonderful sight. The light of the sun turned the sky from midnight blue
>to a warm pink and it seemed to glow with life. Slowly the pink faded
>into a bright blue as the birds cried out their welcome to the new day,
>their songs telling of the freedom of flight in that wonderous blue

Gary: 'wondrous'. This is a nice description, BTW.

> Ranma spent the next hour learning the first few techniques of the
>most basic Tai-chi form that Kasumi knew. <Basic she calls it!> Ranma

Daisuke: Would you prefer 'Fortran'?

>thought afterwards, <hah! Most Kempo katas I know are shorter and simpler
>than that one! And that's the _easiest_! What am I getting myself
>into?!> Most of the time was spent watching Kasumi perform the kata and
>asking questions about the techniques. Some of them had seemed purely
>ornamental but Kasumi had demonstrated how each technique could be used in
>both attack and/or defense. After Ranma had watched the entire kata,
>Kasumi started teaching teaching him the beginnings of the form. They

Hiroshi: 'teaching' there is repeated.

Daisuke: Pizza pizza!

>stopped only when they heard Genma calling for Ranma. Ranma's eyes had
>widened in surprise as he said, "Oh boy! I completely lost track of time!
>Sorry, Kasumi, I gotta go!" Kasumi had smiled as he raced out the door.
><Having a student is more stressful than I thought,> she sighed, <but if
>Master Huang could teach me, than I can certainly teach Ranma. After all,

Hiroshi: So it wasn't Tofu? There's a surprise.

> "Neither do I," she said turning back to watch the sunrise. This
>had become a dayly ritual for the two of them as they stood up on the

Gary: daily

>fence. Ranma would come up with a reason why they were standing on the
>fence watching the sunrise and Kasumi would tell him that he was wrong.
>Ranma's answers ranged from the simple to the bizzare. Today was one of

Gary: bizarre

>his more mundane answers; once he suggested that she was trying to improve
>his posture, Kasumi almost fell off the fence laughing that morning.
>Often Ranma would get so caught up in his pondering of the problem that he
>would stop fidgiting and stand still for the entire exercise. He was so

Gary: fidgeting

> "So what _are_ you trainin' by standin' up here?" Ranma asked.
> "Patence Ranma," she said with a smile, "when you figure it out

Gary: Patience

Hiroshi: That's the answer to the question too, I think. Figures Ranma
wouldn't get it.

> "You want me to tell you what I'm supposed to do?" he asked.
> "No," Kasumi responed, "I want you to follow me as I do it."

Gary: responded

> "Then let's begin," she said. Kasumi watched Ranma out of the
>corner of her eye as they moved through the form. This particular form
>came naturally to her, it was the first one that Sifu Huang had taught her

Hiroshi: What's a 'Sifu'?

Gary: A master craftsman, an experienced worker. I've always seen it as
"Shifu". Anyway, presumably it indicates a martial arts master.

> "Ranma, what happens when you punch a rock?"
> "It breaks," he said, confusion evident on his face, "but what-"
> "Now what happens when you punch water?" Kasumi interrupted.
> "Not much, I get a little wet but that's it," he said, still
>confused, "but what-"

Hiroshi: Now what happens when you punch out after work?

Daisuke: Uh, Hiroshi, that wasn't a very good joke.

Hiroshi: Sorry, I couldn't think of a better PUNCH line!

> "Exactly," Kasumi said with a smile, "now do the form again,
>slowly." Ranma began again, but it was a repition of when they were

Gary: repetition

>me,> she thought as she glanced at her watch. <It looks like breakfast'll
>be late again,> she thought as she dashed into the house, <I hope no one's
>in the bathroom yet. It would be tough to explain what I'm doing in a gi
>without revealing that I _didn't_ give up martial arts like everyone
>thought.> Kasumi breathed a sigh of relief as she closed the door of the
>empty bathroom. <It's a good thing I put a set of my normal clothes in
>here before Ranma's lessons, otherwise I'd really be in trouble.>

Daisuke: Yeah, but what if someone finds her clothes there with her not
in them? What will they think?

>Thanx for listening to me rant and rave.
Hiroshi: Why is he saying that? This was a really nice story, even
though we never got to see them doing marital arts...

Gary: This is his sig. I think he came up with it during the big debate
on RAAC over 'Bitter End'.

[fic ends; we see Hiroshi and Daisuke staring at the computer screen]

Daisuke: This is cool!

[Gary looks at the screen, which is showing a picture of a sunset]

Gary: Hey, what're you guys doing?

Hiroshi: Quiet, just look at it.

Gary: What about it? It's a screen saver. What's the point?

Daisuke: When you figure it out, you won't need to do it anymore.

Gary: I don't need to do it at all, you guys. [moves the mouse] Hey,
what's this? You guys were reading another fic?

Hiroshi: Yeah. Chris Jones' "Kasumi's OTHER Little Secret".

Gary: Let me see... heh heh... yeah, that IS pretty cool! I never
suspected... Anyway, I guess that's all for this week.

Hinako: What about the address?

Daisuke: Oh yeah. Send your comments on this, and any requests for fics
you'd like to see us do, to kleppe@execpc.com . And don't forget to send
synopses of any fics you post to the list to Mark Doherty
<mdoherty@mailbox.uq.edu.au>. We'll be using Mark's list to pick fics to
do, hopefully every week. Thanks, Mark!

Gary: Until next time...