(Two of us are now collaborating on the MST3K-ing of this fic, Gary
Kleppe and Josh Stevens. If you have a fic you'd like to see us do,
write us and suggest it.)

[Gary, Hiroshi, and Daisuke are at the computer monitor waiting for the
next part of the fic. Suddenly Josh bursts into the room, followed by a
somewhat embarrassed-looking Akane Tendo.]

Josh: I am an all-powerful Otaku GOD! And you are all in my
self-insertion story! Bow down before me or DIE!!!!!!!!

Hiroshi & Daisuke: Yeah, right.

Josh: I said, you'll DIE!!!!!!!!!!!

Gary: This isn't an insertion story!

Josh: Witness the fact that I am on a date with Akane Tendo! For what
woman could refuse the charms of an almighty otaku?

Daisuke: Lots of 'em.

Gary: You're not one to talk.

Josh: Yeah, you guys. Name ten!

Daisuke: Alphabetically, or sorted by series?

Hiroshi: Got a white pages handy?

Josh: I'm getting the feeling you don't believe you'll

Akane: I'm not on a date with you, you jerk!
The teacher told me I had to show you the way out of the school, because
I was late. That was *your* fault, too! Where are we? This part of the
school is like a maze!

Hiroshi: Uh oh...

Gary: You don't know?? We've been put here by an evil mad Principal!
Sent to read fanfiction and try to make clever commentary!

Josh: Oh well, that sounds cool!

Daisuke: Here comes the next part of the fic, everybody...

>Draxon's Review Corner Presents
>An In-House Production
>Ranma 1/2 : A Demon's Delight

Hiroshi: You know, last week Ms. Hinako said my term paper wasn't quite
good enough to get a D, so she gave me a grade of D-light.

Josh: No, you've got it all wrong! Demon's Delight is a drink, not a

Akane: Oh, brother!

>Chapter Three : The Unknown
>Theme Song : Soundgarden - Superunknown - Track 5 - SuperUnknown

Josh: All right! Soundgarden, they rock!

Gary: Okay, Beavis, huh huh.

Akane: I star in this story. I'm a good actress.

>... Ranma was finally within arms reach of Akane when she began to slow. His
>chest was pounding, partially from the run, but more-so from his fears about
>what HE had caused to happen only a few moments earlier. Akane came to a stop
>at the corner of a building, which she used for support. Ranma stopped beside
>her. She was panting wildly, fresh tears dripped off of her face as she
>turned to Ranma.

Josh: He did this, she did that. Doesn't this guy know how to use other
types of sentences?

Hiroshi: Like life in prison? The chair? Gas chamber?

Josh: Um, no. Then again, add some of that to this fic and....

>"I-I..." Akane's phrase was cut off as she drew large amounts of air to her
>Ranma gently placed his hand on Akane's left shoulder. "I'm sorry Akane..."
>Akane's breath was beginning to slow somewhat. "What happened back there
>was... my fault. Forgive me."

Josh: Psst, Akane. Who's talking right there? Was that Ranma, or you?

Akane: [shrugs] Beats me!

Gary: Ranma, obviously. Why would Akane be apologizing to herself?

Daisuke: He meant that last bit.

>Akane wiped some of the tears from her face, which was now rose colored on and
>around her cheeks. "I... I didn't know!" She broke back into tears as she

Josh: I wonder if it's still rose colored after she wipes them off.
That'd be worth a fortune ... or fifty bucks in today's society.

Akane: Leave it alone, it's prettier like that!

>continued, "I didn't know it could do that, and now... and now..." She closed
>her eyes and attempted to suppress the waves of emotion screaming to be
>expressed. "I've killed him!" She exclaimed as she began to collapse. Ranma
>grasped her firmly, and pulled her to him. He spoke softly into her ear.
>"Listen to me Akane. What happened was my fault. I wanted to find out what
>you had learned, so I decided to-"

Josh: Don't you hate it when several people talk in the same paragraph?

Daisuke: You mean like we're doing now?

Hiroshi: No, this part is script format. It doesn't count.

Gary: That was actually two different paragraphs, I think. He really
ought to skip a line between paragraphs, or at least indent.

>"That doesn't matter! Akane stepped back so she could see Ranma's face. Her
>legs were shaky, but she was able to stand now. Ranma was obviously concerned
>for her, something which set off more triggers within her mind. "If I had-If
>you hadn't moved out of the way- I... I... Apsu... I hit him! And now
>he's..." Akane was interrupted by Ranma pulling her close to him. She didn't
>resist. She held him tightly, like a lifeline, as the flow of tears

Akane: That was such a good paragraph! Very emotional!

Josh: No, you're emotional, and the paragraph is all right.

>Ranma held onto Akane. He couldn't think of anything else to do. Minutes
>passed with Akane sobbing as Ranma provided support that she desperately
>needed. Akane's crying slowed as she ran out of energy to continue. She held
>onto Ranma more loosely now.

Josh: (bursting into song) This magic moment, when your lips are close
to mine will be forever. Forever till the end of tiiiimmmee! yeah!
(cringes from the amount of stares directed at him.)

Gary: (Michael Palin voice) Stop that! You're not going to do a song
while I'm here!

Daisuke: What's that a reference to?

Gary: Monty Python and the Holy Grail. That line is from the guy who
marries his son against his will to a princess in order to get her
father's land.

Hiroshi: Sounds familiar.

Akane: Don't remind me.

>"What am I going to do?" Akane asked softly.
>Ranma stepped back, and looked at Akane. He had to help her. "The first
>thing we're going to do is to go home, Akane. You need some rest, and I need
>time to think. After you're ready we are going to work on your control over
>that technique. I don't know what else we can do."

Daisuke: You could go try to find the victim.

Hiroshi: Call him an ambulance, maybe.

Josh: Naw, there wasn't enough left for an ambulance. They should be...
just killed a man. Put her hand against his chest ... let her chi out
now he's dead. Akane, life had just begun....

Gary: (Michael Palin voice) Cut that out, cut that out!

Akane: We get it. It's not funny, but we get it.

>"But, what about Apsu? Can't we-" Ranma interrupted her softly, cutting her
>off before she could break back into tears.
>"Apsu will be just fine. When we see him again-which should be soon-I will
>talk to him. Everything will be fine, Akane, everything. I promise." Ranma
>hoped he wasn't lying.

Josh: (Walter Cronkite voice) But as it turns out, he was. Akane ended
up going to jail on the charges of involuntary manslaughter and
tax-evasion. It didn't help any that she didn't tell the police
afterwards. So now you know, you can't run from the law, they'll catch
you sooner or later.

Akane: (taking out her mallet) Josh, I have something I want to share
with you....

>"Okay..." Akane wiped as many of the tears from her face as she could,
>increasing the redness dominate on her cheeks. She then began walking in the

Josh: Ah cool, a "redness dominate"! I always wanted someone to include
a redness dominate in a fanfic.

Gary: I dunno, it sounds kind of McCarthyist to me...

Daisuke: No, it's about domination, like whips and chains...

Hiroshi: Is this going to be a lemon? Great!

Akane: Eww!! Stupid! He was saying that the redness was dominate on my
cheeks! It's very pretty how he phrases it.

>direction of the Tendo Dojo. Ranma walked closely beside her. They walked
>silently until they reached the doorstep of the dojo.
>"Be in the training room in 45 minutes if you can, okay Akane?" Ranma said,
>being as polite as possible.

Josh: (very sarcastically) Of course! She just killed a man through her
martial arts, so why not go into the training hall for a sparring match!
It's not like she wouldn't *want* to be surrounded by reminders of
martial arts. After all, martial arts wasn't at all related!

Akane: Josh, shut up!

>Akane turned to Ranma. He had a serious and caring face, so much unlike what
>she was used to seeing on him. Was it that something bad always had to happen
>before he could be nice to her?

Josh: Yes, it was that something bad always had to happen.

Akane: I think he meant, "*Why* was it that something bad...."

Hiroshi: Yeah, I've noticed that too. Why is that?

Daisuke: I dunno. It goes both ways, though.

Gary: The way he said it makes sense to me. He's asking if this kind of
thing is inevitable.

H&D: Yes.

Gary: It was a rhetorical question. Actually I think he's handling their
reactions pretty well.

Josh: Who asked you? Don't answer, rhetorical question.

> Akane dismissed the thought and entered the
>dojo, then solemnly walked up the stairs.
>Ranma watched to make sure Akane was okay as she walked up the stairs. As
>Akane entered her room Ranma sat down near the breakfast table. He saw no
>signs of Kasumi or Mr. Tendo as he crossed his legs and closed his eyes. With
>no light, and no sounds other than the occasional chirp of a bird, Ranma began
>to do something he wished he had done a long time ago...
>He began to think.

Daisuke: Better late than never!

Akane: Don't you insult Ranma! That's my job.

Josh: Why did this guy figure that last part needed it's own paragraph?
Doesn't that give a false sense of importance?

Hiroshi: What?

Josh: Is it really that important that he begins to think, I don't think

>He could hear Akane's door opening, and footsteps heading in the direction of
>the bathroom. Ranma decided that his outlook on Akane had to change. During
>small periods during their relationship, usually just after something bad
>happened to Akane, he would be nice to her. It seemed to come naturally to
>him then. Normal situations were a completely different story, however. His

Josh: Hey, wasn't there a place to end that paragraph just a sentence
back? English teachers say that you shouldn't let you paragraphs be
longer than necessary....

Akane: [snort] As if you guys actually know something about writing.
Maybe you should have listened to a teacher yourself once in a while!

Josh: Hey what's that supposed to mean?

Gary: I think she's just mad that some of us are writing fics where she
gets married to Upperclassman Kuno.

Akane: WHAT?!? (Mallets the two writers)

>carelessness and simple lack of ability to show Akane the respect that he knew
>she deserved had caused a disaster... and now he also had Apsu to worry about.
> If he wasn't okay, Akane would never forgive herself. If he didn't come
>back, the police would undoubtedly get involved, making a bad situation even

Josh: (groggily regaining consciousness) Don't worry ... A-Akone, I
mean O-kane, I mean Akane? They can't arrest you without a body! Good
thing there was nothing left of the punk.

Hiroshi: Yeah, I mean we're talking crispy fried Apsu here. Even dental
records will be useless.

Daisuke: Right! There's probably not even enough left for cloning! So
look on the bright side!

Akane: Thanks a lot! (fume)

All: You're welcome!

>Akane slipped off her uniform as the bath continued to fill with warm water.
>She was covered in now-evaporating sweat, and needed to relax badly. She
>tossed her uniform into a clothing hamper, and looked at her martial arts
>dogi, which she would be wearing shortly when training with Ranma. She
>stepped into the bath, and slowly sank into a relaxing position while warm
>water creeped over her. She cut the water off when the bath was full and
>relaxed, closing off her thoughts, and focusing on normal life. She ducked
>her head below water for a few seconds, soaking it. She then grabbed a
>washcloth and lathered it with soap. She gently rubbed her face down before
>rinsing the soap off. She sighed, her gaze locked on the ceiling. Ranma had
>said that what happened to Apsu was his fault when it really wasn't. Akane
>took comfort in the knowledge that Ranma was trying to help her. An image of
>Apsu appeared in her mind, not of the one she had seen today, but one of him a
>little over a year younger, smiling happily after a sparring match which Akane
>had watched. Akane began to smile until another image of him flashed in her
>mind, of him asking her "What?" just before the Sugoiken had taken effect.
>She hoped desperately that Apsu was okay, and that he would come back so that
>she could apologize... She took a bottle of shampoo and squeezed a small
>amount into her palm, and rubbed it into her hair, creating a large lather
>which drizzled onto her face occasionally...

Josh: That was the biggest $%^& paragraph I ever saw. And, with the
exception of two sentences, they all went, "Akane did this." or "She did

Gary: I think it's supposed to be a reflection of Akane's state of mind.

Akane: He did have very good descriptions, if only he would use other
types of sentences a little more often....
>Ranma stood, his stomach growled violently despite him having had lunch a
>little less than an hour ago. He walked into the kitchen and opened the
>fridge. He looked inside, only to be disappointed by a lack of food. There
>was, however, some iced tea in a two quart container. Ranma took the tea and
>prepared a glass, adding a few extra spoonfuls of sugar to give him an energy
>boost. He downed the glass in a single drink, the sudden introduction of
>sugar into his body giving him a slight dizzy feeling. He then began a

Josh: Lookout! Ranma with a sugar rush. And you thought he was fast

Gary: (Ranma voice) Ulp. That wasn't sugar, it was salt!

Daisuke: He's a martial artist. He's used to being as-salt-ed!

>process of filling the glass, and downing it faster than he had filled it.
>After he had drank the entire container he walked into the training room of
>the Dojo. He could hear Akane walking down the stairs, so he turned to face
>the entrance.
>Akane walked into the training/sparring room of the dojo. Ranma was standing
>in the center of the room, and motioned for her to come closer. She walked to
>Ranma, thinking about how he intended to help her control a technique that he
>didn't know. When she was only a few feet away, Ranma began to speak.
>"Before I can help you with your technique, I need to know how you learned it,
>what it is supposed to do, and how you use it." His tone was even, like that
>of a seasoned instructor.

Hiroshi: So he *has* been salted. He's a SEASONED instructor, get it?


>Akane thought back to her training with Happosai. "Happosai taught me the
>Sugoiken. He said that it focuses anger into a punch. When he taught me, he
>acted like a complete pervert and made a fool of me when I couldn't use it.

Josh: And you didn't expect that because...?

>Just when I was about to give up, I felt the power... It was almost like
>something in my body suddenly clicked, and I could use it." She hoped her
>explanation had been clear enough.
>Ranma thought about what Akane was saying. His face changed drastically as
>Akane told him about Happosai's training methods, he would pay dearly for
>teaching Akane a technique when he knew that she wouldn't be able to control

Daisuke: Yes, it would cost him at least several hundred dollars!

Josh: Yes, Ranma will pay dearly for what he has

Akane: He meant Happosai, dummy! It
wasn't that unclear, right Gary?!

Gary: Well, I think they'd figure it out, but it might be better to say
something like "the old lech would pay dearly".

>it. Being based on anger must have been what made it so powerful when it hit
>Apsu, and why Akane didn't build a battle aura like she usually did. He only
>needed one more piece of information, "What do you do when you want to use
>the technique?"

Hiroshi: But they couldn't answer, as this is not a lemon.

Josh: Huh? Oh ... oh, pervert! Keep up the good work back>!

>Akane thought back to the two times she had used Sugoiken. "I just channel my
>anger into my fist, at least, that's how I imagine it before I use it."

Josh: Hey Akane, let me get this straight. You *imagine* doing this,
but then you're not *really* doing it, right?

Akane: Of course I'm doing it, that's just how I'm imaging what I'm

Josh: But wouldn't you *know* what you're doing, that is, if you're
doing it? How can you do something without knowing it?

Gary: Look, it's quite simple. *First* she imagines what she's going to
do, *then* she does it.

Josh: So it's not just her imagination?

>Ranma nodded his head. Akane had been channeling all of her anger into the
>attack, which was making each strike extremely powerful. Controlling the
>level of anger used should give Akane more control over the attack, so...
>"I know what's wrong," Ranma said, "When you've seen me using a special
>attack, have you noticed that it isn't always at full force?"
>Akane nodded.
>Ranma continued, "When you used this "Sugoiken" technique, you used it at the
>maximum level you could at the time, didn't you?"
>Akane looked at her right hand, the one she had used in the attack when she
>began to realize what Ranma was talking about. "Yes..."
>Ranma smiled, "All you have to do is control your emotions when you use it,
>and you will be fine," He looked around the room. "I've got it. I'm going

Josh: Yes Ranma, all she has to do is control her
anger. It isn't like she Akane *ever* has a problem controlling herself.
What are you nuts, she's a psychopathic

[the scene is abruptly cut off; the words "Please Stand By" are seen.]

Voice-Over: Sorry, the next few scenes are so violent and graphic in
nature, only the most mature audiences can watch. So if you're over 95
and have no medical problems, email the NF, and we'll send you the
scenes... maybe... but I wouldn't recommend them to anybody but the most
sadistic of people.

[the scene resumes]

Josh: Ow! Jeez stop it, it hurts!

Hiroshi: Josh...

Josh: The pain, the agony, the....

Daisuke: She didn't hit you, Josh.

Josh: What?

Gary: She looked at you and you fainted. It's all in your head!

Akane: *Who* is it that can't control himself, hmmm?

>to throw attacks at you. I will start off slow, then build speed as time
>passes. When I get to a speed you're comfortable with, start to counter
>Akane nodded, "Okay..."
>Ranma assumed a combat stance. "Begin!" He stepped forward, and threw a punch
>with his right hand. Akane snapped her left forearm at Ranma's, knocking it
>aside. She saw his left foot leave the ground as he executed a roundhouse.
>She jumped back, barely evading Ranma's attack as his foot created a breeze
>just in front of her face. "Okay, okay!" She snapped at Ranma as she faked a
>hammer-strike with her left arm, then thrusted with her right fist. Ranma

Josh: Man, this guy got it all wrong. Akane always uses a mallet, not a

Akane: That's not what he was talking about!

>quickly dodged the attack, then launched a flurry of his own kicks and
>punches, each connecting just as he had planned.
>Akane stepped back after the massive barrage of attacks. Ranma had hit her at
>least seven times in 4 seconds, but the strikes had been very controlled, and
>very light, leaving only a small stinging sensation where he had hit. Ranma
>relaxed his stance for a moment as he watched Akane.

Daisuke: I wonder if this whole thing is just an excuse so Ranma can hit

>"That is what I want you to be able to do, Akane. It is exactly like you and
>your Sugoiken technique, once you learn to control it, it's yours. If you
>don't learn to control it - imagine each of my strikes being at full strength.
Daisuke: (Ranma voice) Here, I'll demonstrate. (Makes pummelling sounds)
>All you really have to do is control the amount of energy you throw with the
>Akane understood what Ranma was talking about, it seemed so simple now...

Josh: Yes, oh wise master Yoda, I can see it now. It is all so clear
... in fact it's obvious. I can't believe he brought her out there to
tell her she has to learn control.

Gary: Demonstrating rather than telling can be more effective.

Josh: Ah, I get it. He's trying to demontrate being out of control.
Soon he'll go beserk on her, no?

> Ranma continued, "Now, begin!"

Hiroshi: (Ranma voice) "-- the Beguine!"

Josh: No, like this. (Shang Tsung) Mortal Kombat, has begun!

>Hours passed in that room as Ranma and Akane repeated the same pattern over,
>and over, and over... Occasionally Akane would become angry and throw an
>actual punch at Ranma, and each time she did Ranma was sure to stop and
>lecture her on control. The teaching seemed to come naturally to Ranma, and
>sharing his knowledge gave him a sense of satisfaction that was, in some ways,
>new to him.
>[...] 6 Days Later
>Ranma dodged a massive series of punches thrown by Akane, the training had
>been proceeding exceptionally well, and kept Akane's mind off of Apsu for

[a man with a monocle and a tuxedo on comes out of the closet]


[he calmly walks back into the closet]

Josh: Oh, he should have made two sentences there.

Gary: Kind of hard to do with only one word.

Josh: Not him!!

>nearly a week. The trouble was that Akane had nearly mastered her self
>control in sparring matches against Ranma, and once that was over he had
>nothing else to keep her occupied.

Hiroshi: He hadn't, huh? I never woulda thought.

Daisuke: I thought hot water cured him of that.

Akane: Morons! That's not what he meant!

Gary: Then he does keep you occupied?

Akane: Yes! NO! Grrr...

> Ranma initiated the last section of
>Akane's training, hoping that she had the same control over the technique that
>she had demonstrated in her regular strikes.
>"Kacchu Tenshin Amaguriken!" Ranma extended his index finger on his right
>hand as he continuously connected with the rapid punches. Each time he
>connected he tapped Akane, as the two had been doing for nearly a week now.
>Akane stepped back, overwhelmed by Ranma's onslaught.
>"Just what do you think I am? A punching bag?" Akane snapped as Ranma
>stepped toward her and continued attacking. He began aiming his shots more
>carefully, lightly hitting several pressure points on Akane's body. Akane's
>legs began to buckle beneath her as she lunged her left fist forward,
>connecting solidly with her index finger on Ranma's face.

Akane: This was such good acting on our
parts ... if I do say so myself! You can see how he's leading me on.
This is such a good scene, classic for a fanfic!

Josh: He's beating the hell out of you.

>Ranma felt the impact of Akane's finger as he once again upped the beat of the
>sparring-In order for Akane to use the Sugoiken he had to be winning the match
>utterly. He began using both fists as Akane retreated under intense pressure.
>"You jerk this isn't training! How do you expect me to keep up?" Akane's
>breath was labored as she screamed her frustration, rattling the room.
>"Use it Akane! If you want to have any chance of winning this then use your
>fancy technique!"
>A memory flashed across Akane's mind, of Ranma leaping over her as she vainly
>tried to strike at him, then of him saying "Get it over with, use your fancy
>technique!" Akane frowned.
>"Okay Ranma, you baka. If that's what you want..."
>"USE IT ALREADY!" Ranma commanded loudly and rudely.
>Ranma watched as Akane drew back with her left fist. As it shot forward he
>quickly dodged to his left - only to be hit by Akane's other fist. He braced
>himself for the impact as a menacing blue field of energy began to form in
>front of him. It quickly passed through him, and he was knocked back onto a
>wall with tremendous force. After a few seconds the force dissipated, and
>Ranma collapsed to the ground, gasping for breath.
>"R-Ranma? You okay?" Akane ran to him and helped him into a sitting

Josh: Did she mean besides the extreme pain and gasping for breath?

>"I'm fine." Ranma said in a dazed tone as his head wobbled from side to side.
>Akane watched as Ranma slowly recovered. It took a full three minutes for
>Ranma to stand.
>"Well Aka-" Ranma stopped speaking as Kasumi entered the room carrying an
>"I'm sorry if I interrupted you, but this just arrived for Akane." Kasumi
>held out the envelope as Akane slowly took it.
>"Not at all Kasumi, thanks." Akane looked at the envelope. The return

Akane: What's this? I don't know anyone named "McMahon"! What does he
mean, I may already be a winner?

Gary: Heh! Good one, Akane!

>address was non-existent.
>"Dinner will be ready in about 30 minutes, so try to finish by then if you
>can," Kasumi said as she turned and slowly walked out of the room.
>Akane opened the letter.
>Akane Tendo of the Tendo Dojo,

Daisuke: This is our third attempt to reach you by mail, your account is
three months overdue, unless your check is received by...

>This is a formal challenge to you. I have tracked the disappearance of my
>fiancee' to you and intend to make you pay dearly for it. Meet me at 7:00 PM
>the day you receive this letter two blocks west of your dojo.

Hiroshi: (Dramatic announcer voice) But little did they know, the letter
had been delayed. Michelle had to sit outside for two weeks!

Gary: Shouldn't have asked Ryoga to deliver the letter.

>Michelle Chang

Josh: Does everybody in Tokyo issue formal challenges and have fiancees?

Gary: That's a Chinese-American name. She probably doesn't live around

Josh: Yeah, but she's in Tokyo at the time of ... hey, and isn't that
girl from that video game? I don't remember this being a crossover!

Hiroshi: Yeah, it's the cool girl from Tekken 2! She's hot!

Daisuke: Only the coolest of Ranma characters get fiancees and issue
challenges ... with the exception of Kuno, he's not all that cool.

Gary: And he doesn't get any fiancees.

Hiroshi: And nobody pays that much attention when he issues challenges.

>Akane's mouth slumped open as she read the challenge. A fiancee??? Since when
>did Apsu have a Fiancee?
>"What are you going to do, Akane?" Ranma said as he finished reading the
>letter over Akane's shoulder.
>Akane turned to look at Ranma. She then looked down at the note. "I've
>caused her a lot of trouble."
>Ranma put his hand on Akane's shoulder. "Listen, that wasn't your fault,
>we've been over that before. It's the old freak's fault for teaching you that
>technique without teaching you how to control it, and my fault for pushing you
>to use it."
>Akane sighed, "I can't ignore her."
>Ranma lifted his hand from Akane's shoulder. "Listen, when we get to the
>assigned place I'll talk with Apsu's fiancee. I'll explain what happened and
>if she still wants to challenge you, I will be there in case something

Akane: Isn't this a touching scene guys? Guys?

Josh: Huh, oh yeah touching. I
was just thinking, is Ranma gonna get *another* fiance? He's got a cute
one, a dumb one, an uncute one ... maybe he wants one that's sexy.

Daisuke: I've figured it out. Josh, you're one of those guys who *likes*
getting beat up, aren't you?

Josh: WHAT? NO!! Well sometimes ... I mean, NO! Of course not! I

>Akane smiled meekly, "Thanks, Ranma."
>"No problem Akane, no problem..."
>[...] One Hour Later
>Ranma stood two blocks down the street from the Dojo. It was night, and being
>January, was rather cold. There was no traffic, as most of the residents of
>the city were busy keeping warm.
>Akane was freezing. She had skipped dinner because of the challenge, a fact
>her stomach was reminding her of constantly.
>"I wish she would hurry up and show." Akane said, agitated, as she drew her
>arms in closer.
>"Be careful for what you wish!" A female voice shouted as a figure leaped

Josh: Geez, could she say something a little bit original. How is it
that the girl is pissed off, yet still has time to come up with witty

Hiroshi: I dunno. How long does that take, anyway?

Gary: Yeah, I don't see any problem with that line.

Josh: I guess your right, it's not like anybody has every said that
exact line before ... unless you count the billion writers who tried to
use it to make the character sound theatrical.

>from the darkness in front of Akane. The girl that Akane assumed was Michelle
>was well dressed, in a uniform emblazoned in gold with the words 'Various
>Martial Arts'. She had black hair, and the same twinkling blue eyes that she
>remembered on Apsu.

Hiroshi: Not to mention the high-cut shorts and thigh-high stocking she
wears in the video game ... though I don't think Apsu wore that.

>Ranma stepped forward, placing himself between Akane and Michelle. "Listen
>"I don't want to hear it! Get out of my way, I have a fight to take care of!"
> Michelle was furious, both her face and tone reflected it well.
>Akane stepped around Ranma, stopping when she was directly beside him. "If
>that's how it has to be-Ranma-stay out of our way for a few minutes."
>Ranma looked at Akane, considering her chances, then stepped away from the two
>women to allow them a decent fighting area. "Akane, if things get out of hand
>I will stop this fight." he said as he walked a short distance away.
>Akane did not hear him as she began to speak. "I'm sorry for what happened to
>Apsu, I didn't mean-"
>"Shutup and fight!" Michelle leaped into the air, flashing out of Akane's

Gary: That should be two words.

Daisuke: Shut up.

Gary: You shut up! I'm only telling him that "shut up" should be two

Daisuke: I know, that's what I'm saying!

Josh: What?

Hiroshi: I don't know!


Akane: This is sick. Somebody get me out of here!

>sight, who assumed a defensive position. She heard a battlecry from above and
>quickly moved to the side as she was caught in the right shoulder by a flying

Hiroshi: (Arthur the Moth-man voice) TICK!!

Gary: If you do that one more time...

> She stumbled back from the force as Michelle backhanded her in the
>face, before punching her in the stomach. Akane gasped as she leapt back,
>avoiding the follow-up attack. She was already bleeding from the nose, and
>her stomach felt sick.

All: (singing) Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting...

>"Pathetic." Michelle stated as she ran up to Akane. "Is this all you have to
>show for your family?" A jab followed the statement.

Akane: Well, here are some pictures of my great uncle...

>Akane ducked as quickly as she could, barely evading the punch from Michelle.

All: (singing) ...Those guys were fast as lightning.

>She clenched her right fist as tight as she could as she leapt up, slamming
>her fist directly into Michelle's chin.
>Michelle stepped back, rubbing her chin. "I can see you have some skill after
>all. Well, not like it will help you. Prepare to feel pain, Akane Tendo."

Josh: (Akane's voice) I feel your pain....

>With that Michelle ran at Akane, before leaping at her in another flying

Hiroshi: TI -- OW!!!

>Akane desperately swung her right arm to the side just as Michelle's foot
>entered range. She hit it with her wrist, deflecting the kick. In a flash of
>movement Michelle placed her right foot on the ground and used her forward
>momentum to add power to a lunging punch, which connected with the center of
>Akane's chest.

All: (singing) In fact, it was a little bit frightening....

>Akane gasped as air evacuated from her lungs. She stumbled backward, pulling
>Michelle's leg up as hard as she could, which caused Michelle to fall
>backward, landing on her back.
>Michelle quickly flipped back to her feet. "This is where you pay for what
>you have done to me."

Daisuke: Very well, ma'am. Do you prefer Visa card or check?

>Akane stepped back. Why? Why couldn't she just explain what had happened and
>get it over? She felt her mouth, rubbing off a large portion of blood, which
>began to drip from her fingers.

All: (singing) ....those guys were experts fighting.

>"I've had enough of you." Akane stated as Michelle stepped forward. Akane
>quickly adopted a defensive position as Michelle launched another series of
>punches. She knocked Michelle's right fist aside, and quickly returned the
>attack. She quickly punched Michelle in the face and the stomach, before
>roaring a battlecry as she lunged forward with her right fist.
>Michelle's senses were jarred by the last punch Akane had thrown. She
>stumbled back, and looked at Akane as another punch landed on her stomach.
>Akane's face twisted with anger as blood dripped off of her chin, and dried on
>her hand.

Hiroshi: This here ain't Sugoiken. That thar is five hunnert miles

Daisuke: (Ryoga voice) Arrrgh! Why can't I get where I'm going?!?

>Michelle retreated as the blue wave of energy which signified the Sugoiken
>began to form in front of her. "No... NO! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" she screamed

Hiroshi: (Eric Idle voice) Oh, no, no, no, no,... yes.

Josh: Yes ... YES! YYYYEEEESSSSS!!!!! WAHAHAHAHA evilly for some time>

>wildly as the blast hit her, knocking her twenty feet down the road.

Daisuke: I didn't know she was that tall.

Gary: C'mon, it's obvious what he meant.

Daisuke: Okay, okay, I know...

>Suddenly, as she landed, the screaming ceased. It was replaced by a quiet
>Akane closed the distance between herself and Michelle by ten feet. Ranma ran
>up beside her.
>"You okay Akane?" Ranma asked,
>Akane quickly nodded as she walked closer to the sobbing Michelle. "I'm sorry
>Michelle scrambled to her feet. She was obviously terrified. "YOU WILL PAY
>FOR THAT!" Her voice sounded psychotic. She quickly wiped the tears from her

Daisuke: What's with this girl's obsession with money. She's worse than

Akane: Hey, that's my sister you're talking about!

Daisuke: So Nabiki isn't obsessed with money?

Akane: Well ... that is ... um....

Hiroshi: I know what her problem is. She's got Mi-chelle shock!

Gary: Hey, it's supposed to be called operational post-traumatic stress
exhaustion syndrome, or something.

>face as she reached into a pouch hanging from her waist. Her hands shaking,
>she backed away from Akane.
>Michelle retrieved a vial from her pouch. She gazed into the clear liquid
>contained within the vial, then threw it into the air. She looked up, keeping
>a close eye on the vial's location as she raised her right hand to aim at it.
>Akane watched as a cone of flame erupted from Michelle's hand, striking and
>engulfing the vial for a few seconds.
>Michelle caught the glass vial, burning her skin as she crushed it. Blood
>flowed freely from the now deeply wounded hand.

Josh: It is the legendary technique of
"hurt-myself-till-you-feel-guilty"; only true masters know its hideous
secrets ... well, true masters and Kuno... except most people don't feel
guilty about Kuno ... nevermind.

>"Why, hello Akane," said Apsu Tetsumi of the Tetsumi School of Various

Josh: I knew it ... it's a Ranma clone. It all makes sense now. School
of Varioius Martial Arts instead of anything goes, knowing Akane, great
abilities, and now he's got Ranma's curse too. It's some sort of
conspiracy to replace Ranma with an inferior model leading to the
destruction of the world as we know it ... or it could be a coincidence.

Gary: Isn't "various martial arts" training a little vague? It's like
having a degree in "miscellaneous".

Daisuke: What's wrong with that? That'll be my major in college.

>Martial Arts. "I hope you didn't miss me too much."
>"A-Apsu? How - I mean what -" Apsu cut her off

Josh: Well, whenever anybody cuts me off, I just give him the finger.

Hiroshi: Which one?

Josh: [winks] Depends on my mood.

Daisuke: Seems to me you'd run out of them pretty quickly.

>"Explanations will come later. For now, however, you pay! This is RE-"

Daisuke: (Apsu voice) -CESS!!

>"I don't think so," Ranma said authoritatively as he stepped toward Apsu. "I
>think you've had more than enough time fighting with girls."
>Apsu swatted his hand, dislodging some of the larger shards of glass. "Is
>that a challenge?" he asked as he looked Ranma in the eye.
>Ranma prepared for combat. "Damned right it is."

Josh: Oh man, this guy is in trouble. Ranma's actually preparing for
combat. After knowing Nabiki so long, I bet he gets some shotguns,

Hiroshi: No, making that dramatic solliquoy is what prepared him for
combat. Just like in the movies.

>Akane watched as Ranma and Apsu entered fierce hand to hand combat. Her mind
>raced with emotions as much as her body raced with adrenaline when Ranma
>spouted out the words "Kacchu Tenshin Amaguriken!" The battle seemed to
>become a shadow in her mind when she thought of Apsu and what had happened to
>him... and HOW it happened to him. He obviously had a curse similar to Ranm-

Josh: If it was so obvious, why'd you ask?

Akane: [shrugs] Just curious. Didn't think he'd take it so badly.

Gary: She was just asking HOW he got the curse.

Hiroshi: He probably cut somebody off.

Gary: Huh?

Hiroshi: So they cursed at him.

>Her thoughts were interrupted by an explosive chi blast released by Apsu. She
>focused on the fight to see Ranma flying toward her. She ducked, and Ranma
>flew just over her head, roaring in pain.
>Apsu smiled as he watched the results of his attack.
>"Various Martial Arts Special Attack, Hadoken. Now let me show you a little
>technique I picked up a few months ago, Psychedelic Striiiiiiiike!!!!!!!" He
>clasped his hands together and summoned all of his energy, building an aura of
>high-powered chi that grew steadily in strength. "...NOW!" He thrust both of

Akane: You know, maybe these techniques would have worked better if they
didn't always announce them before hand.

Josh: You don't and you never hit anybody!

Akane: Do you *like* feeling pain?!

Daisuke: I think they just yell it as a cue to the special effects

Hiroshi: No, it's a psych-your-opponent-out kind of thing. Make up a
really impressive sounding name to yell and your opponent will be a lot


>his hands forward, and released the energy.
>Ranma brushed off the pain in his body as Apsu clasped his hands together.
>Apsu could use up all of his energy if he wanted to. It wasn't like he didn't
>have a counter for chi blasts.
>"Mouka Takabisha!"

Daisuke: Isn't it spelled "Mouko"?

Hiroshi: (singing, Jim Morrison voice) Mista MOU-ko RIS-in...

>Akane's face paled as nuclear holocaust became imminent. She looked for
>cover, and spotted a tree only a few meters away from her. She ran for it as
>night turned to day.
>Ranma roared as his blast collided with Apsu's, creating an explosion of light
>which nearly blinded him. The blasts continued to collide when energy began
>to arc around the focal point of the explosion, striking him with intense
>strength. As he approached the point of passing out his fuel of confidence
>was depleted, causing the blast to cease abruptly. One final detonation of
>pure chi erupted as the final parts of the attacks collided violently.
>Apsu laughed half-heatedly as he saw Ranma still standing. He stepped
>forward, and saw Ranma doing the same. Apsu smiled as he approached
>ever-closer to Ranma.
>Akane watched from her shielded position as Ranma and Apsu began to pound each
>other apart. Both of them were weakened from the use of their chi blast

Josh: Hey, nobody said anything about this being a weird lemon!

Akane: Eww, get your mind out of the gutter, hentai!

Hiroshi: I don't get it. And what's wrong with lemons, anyway?

>techniques, and didn't even attempt to dodge or block when the other attacked.
>Apsu took another weak shot to the face as he stumbled into Ranma, punching
>him in the stomach in the process. "Don't you... give up?" He felt Ranma's
>fist clash with his forehead as he put his weight on his stubborn opponent.
>"I don't need to give up, just take a look at yourself!" Ranma punched down
>on Apsu, striking him in the forehead.

Gary: Oh, it was a stooge attack!

Hiroshi: A what?

Gary: I'll show you. (Holds out left hand) See this?

Hiroshi: Yeah, so? (Looks at Gary's left hand, gets smacked by his
right) Oww!!

> A burning feeling in his legs
>increased drastically as Apsu put his weight on him. His legs immediately
>decided they had worked enough, and collapsed. Ranma fell to the ground,
>exhausted. He felt another impact as Apsu landed on top of him. He pushed
>the almost completely limp Apsu to the side, and tried to rest as much as
>possible while he had the chance.
>Apsu rolled onto his back, using the momentum supplied by Ranma. He was
>exhausted, Warm blood continued to flow out of his hand as he looked over at
>Ranma. His stomach growled loudly and was easily overheard by Ranma.
>"What's your problem?" Ranma asked, trying to keep Apsu occupied while he
>regained his strength. He looked at Apsu, who's crystal eyes sparkled.

Gary: He should have said whose, not who's.

Josh: Cool crystal eyes! Then he can't see!

Daisuke: Did you say he was crystalized?

Josh: No ... but that would be cool too. Akane should go and beat them
both now.>Ranma felt the blood rush back into his body. Suddenly,
recharged with a second wind, he gets up and finishes the job. In a
series of quick stomps, Aspu is nothing more than road pizza, and as
Ranma scraps the bloody remains of his opponent onto a tree, he yells
out, "Nobody better EVER mess with me or you'll get worse! You hear me,
I'll kill you worse!" he says that all the way to the jailhouse, where
he is killed in his sleep.

Hiroshi: Wow, Ranma was a bit out of character there.

Daisuke: But that was awesome. Finally, Ranma doesn't take jack from

Akane: Wait ... that's no in the script. Josh, have you been playing
with the script?!

Josh: It's Gary's fault, he made me do it!

Gary: No way. I'd have gotten the tenses right.

>Apsu felt sick. His body was screaming for rest, and dying for lack of food.
>"I'll make a deal with you, Ranma. You're much better than I expected, and I
>think I feel a lot better now... Lets call off this fight for now, and go get
>something to EAT..."
>Ranma laughed as loudly as his lungs would allow. "Why the sudden change? I
>thought this was a war of vengeance..."
>Apsu sat up, and looked at his still bleeding hand. "As our attacks collided
>I thought of when I broke the vial of water, and thought back to a training
>session I had a little over four months ago. I had caused more injury to
>myself than you or Akane had, and that was a bad sign. Do NOT mistake me, I
>am fully angry at Akane and intend to find some form of payment, just not
>combat. I need time to think, and until that is over I will not act on

Josh: [nudges Akane] Bet you know what he has in mind, eh?

Hiroshi: Did you guys ever !#@$?

Daisuke: Bet you @@!#!, right?

Hiroshi: You probably even #@$%!

Akane: Argh! WHY GOD, WWHHHYYYYY????!!!!!

Gary: What's with all the punctuation characters, you guys?

>"I'm... sorry." It was Akane's voice. Apsu turned so that he could see her.
>She still had dry blood on her hand and around her nose. She was also
>developing bruises on her left cheek, and under her right eye. Apsu thought
>he could see the glossy trails of recently wiped tears streaming from her
>Apsu opened his mouth to speak, then closed it, thinking of what to say. He
>"I know you are, Akane,

Hiroshi: (Apsu voice) but what am I?

> and THAT is why I was wrong to attack you." Apsu
>attempted to stand as he spoke but doubled over just as he finished the
>sentence. He stopped the fall with his hands, aggravating his injuries.
>Ranma stood and began brushing off his badly soiled clothes. He saw Apsu
>attempting, and failing, to stand. He offered his right hand to Apsu.

Josh: [bad imitation of a hippie] Peace, man. And love and all that
good stuff, just pass the joint.

Hiroshi: (Eric Idle voice) I like a piece. Know what I mean, nudge

>Apsu looked to Ranma, hand outstretched. "Peace..." he said as he grasped
>Ranma's hand.

Daisuke: Watch out! He's got a joy buzzer! BZZZZZT!!

Josh: [Ranma's voice] Sucker! [normal voice] that's when Ranma beats
the living tar out of the guy!

>Ranma pulled up, helping Apsu until he could stand on his own. He noticed
>that Apsu kept his injured hand near his chest, and was no longer using it.

Hiroshi: Then how does he breathe?

Gary: You KNOW that's not what he meant.

>"Don't you think you should get that checked out?" he said, pointing to Apsu's
>"No, all I need is some food. I'll be fine after I eat." The sky flashed
>with distant thunder, illuminating a cloud filled sky.
>Ranma looked at Akane, "Let's get back to the dojo, all Apsu, or I need is
>cold water in our lives right now."

Gary: It would read better if you took out the comma after "Apsu".

> Just as Akane nodded, sleet and freezing
>rain assaulted the group. Ranma felt the sensation that accompanied his
>change into his cursed form.
>Apsu frowned as the change engulfed him. "Why M..e.. AHHH!" The now female
>Apsu screamed wildly as she clutched her stomach with her left hand, while
>keeping her right hand tightly on her chest. She stumbled forward as pure
>pain and terror invaded her soul.

Josh: Attack! Terror, you take the left side, pain, you take the right.
Together, we will triumph.

>Ranma and Akane watched in amazement as Apsu screamed wildly. Her eyes
>began to glow a light blue when she stumbled back to the ground.
>"Apsu?" Akane asked, puzzled by his reaction to the curse.
>"I--! Get... OUT!" In a flash of light, the concrete below Apsu was crushed.

Akane: All right, since you insist. Ranma and Akane leave, and Aspu is
left to deal with this on his own.

> More screams. Akane shivered from the piercing sonic waves. The screams
>quickly degenerated into muffled cries as Apsu collapsed completely.
>"Are... Are you okay?" Ranma asked, the spontaneous display of pain by Apsu
>was incredible, but it seemed to be more than that.
>"Oh god it hurts... can't..." Apsu lost consciousness.

Josh: Crybaby, you're only feeling unimaginable agony. At least face it
like a man.

Akane: Would you like to face imaginable agony?

Josh: [whimpering] Don't hurt me!

>Akane rolled Apsu onto her back. "Get him-her-him, oh nevermind! Get Apsu to
>the dojo!" She said, fear once again racing through her mind.
>Ranma-chan nodded before leaning over to drape Apsu over her shoulders.
>[...] Ten Minutes Later
>Fear. Pain. Fear. Images. Thoughts.

Josh: No. Need. For. Sentences.

Gary: Must. Talk. Like. Shatner. Must. Find. Green. Female. For. Pound
sign. Percent. Asterisk!

>Ranma kept a close watch over Apsu as Kasumi entered the upstairs bedroom with
>a pot of hot water.
>"Here you are, Ranma." Kasumi said as she sat the pot of water next to Ranma.

Josh: [Ranma's voice] Thank you, but I already know I'm here.

> Akane sat completely silent as she waited for Apsu to do something, anything,
>which would lift her fears.
>Fear. Pain. Fear. Ranma. Thoughts... Ranma? Apsu fought the cloud of
>sleep and pain, slowly opening her eyes.
>"Apsu???" Akane asked.
>"Oh god it hurts... all of the sudden... don't... I need water..." Apsu's
>words trailed off into drowsiness as she began to fall unconscious again.
>Ranma remembered the pot of hot water, and thrust her hand into it, instantly

Josh: I thought it needed to be a significant amount of water, otherwise
he wouldn't need a whole tea pot, just a cup.

Akane: The cup tends to cool off too fast. Besides, it's always a good
idea to have extra just in case.

>reversing the effects of the Jusenkyo curse. The now fully male Ranma took
>Apsu's left arm and placed it in the water.
>Apsu opened his eyes, and sighed. "That was the worst experience I have ever
>had," he said, with a serious, but frightened face. "As soon as the change
>hit me, I felt something... Something that I hope I never feel again, then

Josh: Eew, this *is* a lemon! We all know what part of his body he's
thinking of! Yeack!

Daisuke: Why would that be bad?

Hiroshi: Why would he hope to never feel it again?

Akane: Perverts ... though he did say something he ... perverts!

>everything blacked out except for a massive blast of pure pain..."
>Ranma turned to Kasumi, "Could you do us a favor? We need to get Apsu some
>food, but I'm not letting him out of my sight."
>"Why of course Ranma, I'll be right back." Kasumi smiled as she stood and
>walked to the door.
>As Kasumi exited the room Akane looked at Apsu's eyes. They showed more than
>he was talking about. He had mentioned a feeling that he hoped never to have
>again. "Aps', just what was the 'feeling' you were talking about?"
>"Fear... Pure and utter fear..." His voice was whispery as he trailed off in
>his explanation.

Josh: [Ranma's voice imitating Kuno] I knew it, you were frightened
into submission by my superior skill!

>Ranma looked at Akane for a few seconds. She was staring at Apsu with a look
>of confusion. Time seemed to slow considerably as the three remained silent,
>awaiting Kasumi's return with food. Ranma stood and stretched out his
>slightly aching body. He heard a knock, and opened the door. Kasumi was
>LOADED with food! Ranma did not hesitate to take large amounts of food from
>her and place it in a 'eat in 10 seconds' formation on the floor.
>"Ranma." Akane's voice was flat, but menacing. Ranma turned, his face

Josh: "Flat, but menacing." much like the young women's church group
on Saturday night.

Daisuke: Hit him, Akane.

Hiroshi: Yeah, THIS one he has coming.

>showing his desire to down as much food as possible ASAP. "That is for Apsu
>you jerk!"
>Ranma quickly recovered, "Well it's not like I wasn't going to give him

Hiroshi: (Ranma voice) Here's a grain of rice, Apsu.

> he said as he began placing bowls and plates of food next to Apsu.
>Apsu sat up and looked at the selection of food near him. Everything looked
>good to his aching and empty stomach. He began to quickly annihilate all
>nearby stores of food...

Daisuke: Like Food World, Giant Grocery, Save-u-mart...

>Akane watched as Apsu eliminated nearly 3 complete dinners. She timed it at
>somewhere near ten seconds as he wiped his mouth clean.
>"I feel much better," Apsu said as he stood. He looked at his bleeding hand.

Josh: But nothing happened. Somehow, his hand refused to do it's trick
even after he fed it. Tragedy bestruck the land.

Akane: What?

> He had lost a lot of blood, and that was what had kept him unconscious for
>the past twenty minutes. He smiled as he summoned a blue aura of energy
>around his hand.
>Ranma watched carefully as Apsu began to build chi around his bleeding hand.
>"What are you doing?" he asked as he prepared to react if needed.
>"Don't worry." Apsu stated plainly as he clasped his hands together.
>Ranma bolted up in preparation for a fight as the energy began to flow from
>Apsu's hands, bolts of chi arced to every part of his body just before the
>energy dissipated.
>Apsu shook his right hand as the blue field of energy was absorbed into his
>body. He stretched, testing his joints and muscles to be sure the healing had
>worked correctly. He looked to Ranma, who was already getting back to his
>eating, then to Akane, who was watching Ranma eat.
>"Well, everyone, I'm back." Apsu said sarcastically.

Akane: Good, but I didn't know you went anywhere? [even more

Hiroshi: I wonder if the author of this will find any of our comments

Daisuke: I don't know. Probably get a good laugh out of it, though.

>"So are you okay now?" Akane asked, slightly shaken by Apsu's tone.
>Apsu began walking to the door, "I just used up most of the energy that I got
>from that meal, so I am going to find me a restaurant and make it's owner
>rich. If you two don't mind, I want to talk with you two a bit more, so I'll
>foot the bill if you come."

[once again, the man with a tuxedo and monacle came out of the closet]


Josh: Who is that guy?

Daisuke: It was Gosunkugi, wasn't it?

>He had never seen two people stand so quickly.

Josh: Unless you count the two hispanics at the Klu Klux Klan

Gary: Or the two guys at the proctologist's office.