[Note: This was my entry in this month's FFIRC One Hour Challenge. It came out a little more heavy handed than I would've liked, but those are the breaks of trying to get something done in an hour. This is meant in fun, with no offense intended towards anyone.]

Gary: Here we go with this month's one hour challenge. Since my writing is at the point right now where it takes me about that long to do the first paragraph...

Hiroshi: ... he's passed the buck to Daisuke and me. Which makes sense, considering that one hour is about the length of our attention spans.

Daisuke: So... in the next hour, Hiroshi and I will attempt to write... the ultimate fan service fic!

Gary: The what?? Is it too late to do this myself instead?

Hiroshi: Yeah, it is. Besides, what would you know about writing fan service anyway?



a fanfic by Hiroshi and Daisuke


Gary: "LCD?"

Daisuke: Liquid Crystal Display.

Hiroshi: Yeah. We're from the Jeff Rutsch school, where the title doesn't necessarily have to relate to the fic.

Gary: Uh huh.


All characters (not to mention the authors) are the creation and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi-sama.

All C&C will be gratefully appreciated...


Gary: That's good....


... except if it's from people who hate us, of course.


Gary: Well, that's not too unreasonable....


"Hate" is defined as anyone who says anything bad about our fic, or suggests that it could possibly be improved. If anyone does this to us, we'll not only killfile them, but we'll make snide little comments about them in the authors' notes of everything we write for months to come.


Gary: Yeah right. You guys only write stuff about once every six months.


Part One: The Only Part

Morning rose over Nerima. Sunlight streamed down, bathing the Tendo dojo in fiery orange and yellow. Birds chirped. It was an idyllic scene, one which had absolutely nothing to do with the story that follows.


"Forget it, Mom! I ain't doin' it!"

"You will do it, Ranma."


"Because I said so!"

Akane stared quizzically at Nodoka. "What is it you want him to do, Mrs. Saotome?"

"To provide fan service in this fic, Akane-chan," she answered. "After all, this is a fan service fic. Ranma is not only the main character, but the curse that changes him into a female makes him uniquely qualified."

"But why? I mean, I thought you wanted him to be manly!"


Gary: Yeah, why?

Daisuke: Does it matter?

Hiroshi: It's a plot device. Really convenient one, too.


Nodoka drew her sword. "Because if he doesn't, it's katana time! That's why!"

Ranma sighed. "All right, Mom. If I have to," he grumbled. Inwardly, he thought that this might not be so bad. Just a little fan service for the readers. What could be so bad about that?

Ranma, of course, didn't appreciate how bad it was. For Nerima is a wacky place, where things never go quite as planned.


Gary: Don't you think your readers know that Nerima's a wacky place? Surely they've read Ranma 1/2, or at least read some other Ranma fics, or if nothing else seen the anime.

Hiroshi: Probably, yeah. So?

Gary: So what's the use of telling them the obvious?

Daisuke: People forget things, y'know.


Ranma sat on her futon. The room was empty, except for Ranma, and the futon, of course. She (we're going to call Ranma 'she,' in case any of you forget that she's in girl form during this scene) looked down at her breasts. They were big. Actually, big was an understatement. They were really big. Large. Bulky. Huge. Mountainous. Ant. see LITTLENESS.

The preceding is a joke, by the way. You're supposed to laugh. If you didn't, it's probably some deep-seated psychological disorder.

Ranma turned and waved. "Hi, readers!!!" She pointed to her breasts, which were big. "Aren't they big?!" She laughed at the joke she had made, knowing that all the readers would be laughing too.


Gary: ...

Hiroshi: It's the laugh track principle. People need to be told where to laugh so they'll laugh when they're supposed to.

Gary: So you're assuming your readers are complete idiots?

Daisuke: Uh... yeah.

Hiroshi: And your point is?

Gary: sigh Look, this whole thing isn't working. If you want to do fan service, at least come up with a more believable way to do it.

Daisuke: You mean like... hey! I've got an idea!


Ranma and Akane walked to school. On the way, they heard a voice.

"Ranma Saotome! I challenge you!"

"Yeah, what?" Ranma turned around. A woman wearing a long coat stood behind her, except that it was now in front of her since she just turned around.

Anyway, Ranma recognized the woman as Mariko Konjo, whom he had beaten at Martial Arts Cheerleading.

"You're Mariko Konjo, who I beat at Martial Arts Cheerleading!" he said. "Come back for a rematch? I've still got my pom-poms, and they're just as big as yours!"

"Martial arts cheerleading? Ew, gag me!" She scowled. "That is like, so last week! I've got something totally new now!"

"Oh yeah? What is it?" Whatever it was, Ranma would be able to beat her at it."

Mariko's coat fell to the ground. Underneath, she had on nothing but a thin negligee. A bodice of shiny red covered her torso, topped with lace through which ample cleavage was visible.

"What the heck is this?" Ranma asked.

"Well, duh. Only my new combat art," Mariko replied. "Martial Arts Lingerie Wearing!"


Hiroshi: Yes! Perfect!

Gary: ....


Ranma and Akane stood at the local mall, in front of the Victoria's Secret, which they now have in Japan due to some plot contrivance.

"I've gotta beat Mariko at Martial Arts Lingerie Wearing, Akane! Help me pick out some good stuff!"

"Ranma... what kind of silly combat art is this? I mean, how can wearing Lingerie possibly help you win a fight."

"Well, um... the material protects you from... um, with the straps you can... oh yeah! It's like, psychological warfare, or somethin'. You get your opponents to stare at you in the Lingerie, thereby distracting them so you can pound the crap out of 'em."

"But that doesn't make any sense! Your opponent is a girl! And even if not, anyone short of a Musk would eventually learn to ignore the Lingerie enough to fight back. What's more, a lot of this stuff will be clumsy in combat, and leave you open to...."


Gary: Hey, this is not a bad technique, guys.

Daisuke: Huh?

Gary: Akane is stating objections that are no doubt in the minds of some of the readers.

Hiroshi: Oh. Yeah!

Gary: However, the success of the technique does depend on your ability to answer those objections.

Daisuke: Uh... we better change this part, then.

Hiroshi: Let's just make Akane OOC.


"Ooooh!" Akane glomped on to Ranma. "Martial Arts Lingerie Wearing?! Can I learn too? I wanna learn!!"


Gary: 'Scuse me, guys. I don't think I can take much more.

Daisuke: Where are you going? This is no fun without someone to annoy!

Hiroshi: Don't worry about it. The hour's almost up.

Daisuke: That's it, then. Think we'll win all the TASS awards?