a CUSTOMIZABLE Ranma 1/2 Spamfic
by Gary Kleppe

The question "Who is Ranma's Best Babe?" has been widely debated on newsgroups and mailing lists. Finally, there is a spamfic that you to can use to show how much better your choice is!

This spamfic has been designed to be fully customizable according to the individual reader's preferences. In the following, <Fiancee A> represents the one you think ought to end up with Ranma. <Fiancee X> represents the one you least want to see with him, or the one you feel is the greatest threat or obstacle to his happiness with <Fiancee A>. <Consolation Prize> is someone else who loves <Fiancee X>, or whoever you think ought to get her instead of Ranma.

Using a global search and replace, you can edit the text of this so that your preferences are reflected. You may also wish to edit dialog to reflect the particular fiancees' speech patterns.

If you redistribute this fic, please send the original uncustomized version only; let each individual reader make his or her own substitution.

The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially or used for profit in any way.

[Scene: Ranma is walking along the streets of Nerima, looking contented. A voice comes down, seemingly out of nowhere.]

Voice: Ranma Saotome!

Ranma: [Looks around a bit, then up at voice] Yeah?

Voice: Where are you going?

Ranma: Gonna go see <Fiancee X>.

Voice: So, you've finally decided, eh?

Ranma: Uh, yeah. I, y'know, love her and so I'm gonna marry her.

Voice: What about <Fiancee A>?

Ranma: Well, she's all right, but I only like her as a friend and stuff.

Voice: Are you sure you're making... the right choice?

Ranma: Whattaya mean?

Voice: Have you thought about what your life could be like if you chose <Fiancee A>?

Ranma: Well, I dunno....

Voice: Watch this!

[Scene dissolves. We see a much older Ranma, his hair mostly gray, together at a dinner table with <Fiancee A> who still looks as beautiful as ever.]

Ranma: Honey, it's been a great life. I'm so glad I chose you!

<Fiancee A>: Me too, honey. We've raised four wonderful children, saved the world from hordes of demonic invaders, taken long walks in the park...

Ranma: And the sex has been great!

<Fiancee A>: [slightly embarrassed] Right, darling. We've had so many wonderful years together, filled with joy and happiness...

Ranma: ... and sex...

<Fiancee A:> Right, honey. [laughs]

Ranma: Did I mention the...

[The door crashes open. We see <Fiancee X> storm in. She has obviously deteriorated over the years. Her face is distorted, with some hair and a few teeth gone. Though still muscular, she has gained a bit of weight in all the worst places. She looks angry.]

<Fiancee X>: Ranma! How dare you be happy!

[<Fiancee X> pulls out an axe and charges forward at Ranma, but she slips on a banana peel and ends up stabbing herself in the heart.]

<Fiancee A>: Oh no! Please don't die! Ranma, help me get her to the hospital!

Ranma: Too late, she's dead. [strikes dramatic pose] Why, oh why, couldn't she just accept the inescapable threads of destiny that binds me to <Fiancee A>?! If she had only accepted <Consolation Prize>'s love, everything would have been all right. But no, she had to struggle against what had to be. It was her tragic flaw.

<Fiancee A>: Her tragic flaw?

Ranma: Well... that and a few other things. But let us not think about that. Let us simply remember her as having nobly sacrificed her own life so that the two of us could be together.

<Fiancee A>: Oh, Ranma!

Ranma: So... what do you wanna do now?

[Return to original scene with normal-aged Ranma]

Voice: Still think you're making the right choice?

Ranma: Well, uh... I dunno...

Voice: Then watch this!

[Scene dissolves again. We see a barren landscape strewn with corpses. Demonic creatures are running around, killing whatever people happen to be left. A young adult version of <Fiancee X> stands amidst the chaos, smiling evilly. Ranma is slumped on the ground next to her, looking emaciated and completely out of it.]

<Fiancee X>: Nya ha ha!

[<Fiancee A> runs over to the pair of them.]

<Fiancee A>: No!! What are you doing to Ranma?

<Fiancee X>: Too late! I've tapped into his ki energy so that I may use it in my evil plans! Nothing can stop me from taking my ultimate revenge on anyone who ever insulted me or parked in a space where I wanted to!

Ranma: I had jello today.

<Fiancee A>: Oh Ranma! What a fool I was to let you marry <Fiancee X>! I only wanted you to be happy! Please, you have to reject your foolish, misguided love for her and fight back!

Ranma: It had little pieces of fruit inside it.

<Fiancee X>: There's nothing you can do, my dear. My demons will ravage the world, killing everything that lives! Nya ha ha!!

[A demon slashes its claws into <Fiancee X> from behind, ripping out several organs.]

<Fiancee X>: ... of course, I could've thought this thing through a little better... [dies]

<Fiancee A>: Oh, Ranma! And to think you could have prevented all of this just by choosing me!

Ranma: It was orange flavored.

[<Fiancee A> weeps as she and Ranma are mauled by hordes of demons. The view pans back as the entire Earth becomes a lifeless wasteland. It then fades back to the original scene.]

Voice: Still want to marry <Fiancee X>?

Ranma: No way! I'm making the right choice!

Voice: <Fiancee A>. The right choice. Appearing in fanfictions near you!

Nabiki: [From out of shot] Cut!

[We pull back to see Nabiki, along with Hiroshi and Daisuke. Hiroshi is carrying a camcorder. Daisuke has a microphone and has obviously been doing the voice-overs.]

Nabiki: Thank you, Ranma.

Ranma: Okay, I did your dumb commercial. This means I don't owe you that money no more, right?

Nabiki: Your debt is... reduced.

Akane: My own sister!

Nabiki: [counting a wad of bills that <Fiancee A> has just handed her] Sorry sis, but cash is thicker than blood!

[If Akane is <Fiancee A>, replace the last two lines with the following:]

<Fiancee X>: No fair! Favoritism!

Nabiki: [counting money from Akane] Hey, if you've got the cash, I'll do one for you too!

[If on the other hand <Fiancee A> is Nabiki, replace the ending scene as follows:]

Ranma: Okay, I did your dumb commercial. This means I don't owe you that money no more, right?

Nabiki: Not... quite. You still need to do one more thing.

Ranma: [sighs] What?

Nabiki: [takes him by the arm] Come and watch it with me a few times.

Akane: My own sister!!

Nabiki: Hey, all's fair in love and business!