There Goes the Neighborhood Part 3: Going to the Dogs
Category: Major Ranma fanfics
Posted on May 7, 2013 by Gary
(Yusaku is in his apartment, obviously trying to sleep but not able to because of very loud snoring noises coming from the new hole in his floor. He has his pillow over his ears but it doesn't seem to help. Light begins to peek through the window.)
Yusaku: Geez... how long is this going to go on?
(Down below, we see that sleeping girl-Ranma is the cause of the snoring. He is suddenly hit with hot water and awakes with a start in male form. We see Shampoo standing over him with a kettle of water.)
Shampoo: Ni hao!
Ranma: Shampoo! What the heck are you doing here?
Shampoo: Shampoo bring breakfast! Hot dumplings and tea! (notices Akane sleeping on the floor) Aiyaa! Akane spend night here with you?
Ranma: She got drunk and passed out on the floor. Though I dunno why I should have to explain anything to you. Don't mention this to anybody. I mean Akane getting drunk. What are you doing here anyway? How'd you know where I was?
Shampoo: Nabiki Tendo tell where you are. For 7500 Yen. Also make me promise not to give away secret. I tell manager I Liang Xiaojie's friend from back in China. Please enjoy food! (He starts eating)
(Akane quietly gets up. Shampoo watches Ranma finish the food. She smiles as if expecting something to happen. It doesn't. She smiles at Ranma. Ranma awkwardly smiles back, not knowing what's going on. Then she throws down a small box in anger.)
Shampoo: Stupid thing! Why no work?
(Ranma picks up the box. It is labeled in six different languages, and contains a number of tea bags. He finds the Japanese labeling and reads.)
Ranma (reading): "AMAZON BRAND MAGICAL APHRODISIAC HERBAL TEA. USE ONLY AS DIRECTED"
Shampoo: You drink this, you should sweep Shampoo away on winds of passion! What go wrong? Aiyou.
(Ranma turns the box around and reads the fine print:)
Ranma (reading, with difficulty as the type is pretty small): "WARNING! INDIVIDUALS WHO HAVE UNDERGONE SPIRITUAL TRAINING, SUCH AS MEDITATION OR MARTIAL ARTS, ARE UNLIKELY TO BE AFFECTED BY THIS PRODUCT DUE TO INCREASED WILLPOWER. FOR THESE INDIVIDUALS, PLEASE BUY NEW EXTRA-STRENGTH AMAZON BRAND MAGICAL APHRODISIAC HERBAL TEA, AVAILABLE AT STORES NEAR YOU."
Shampoo: So that why.
Ranma: Wait, there's more. "THIS PRODUCT IS INTENDED FOR USE BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS. USE ON AN UNWILLING OR UNKNOWING TARGET IS ILLEGAL AND IMMORAL IN MOST COUNTRIES. SUCH AN ACT IS THE MARK OF A PERSON WHO IS OBVIOUSLY UTTERLY DESPERATE BECAUSE SHE CAN'T TRAP HERSELF A HUSBAND ANY OTHER WAY."
Shampoo: It say that?
Ranma: Uh, yeah. That last part is written in Swahili, though. I had to translate it.
Shampoo: You so clever, Ranma. You are... what we call in China a {smartass}.
Ranma: (having not understood) uh... yeah, I guess I am at that.
Shampoo: Shampoo go to work now. Great-grandmother out of town, Mousse and I very busy. You come to restaurant tonight, Shampoo give you dinner. But not bring Akane. She too violent... (At this point she and Ranma turn to see Akane, just as she throws water on both of them.)
(Cut to up on the balcony, where Akemi, Yotsuya, and Mrs. Ichinose sit enjoying the early summer weather. They hear a noise from below and look down toward the building entrance.
They see a cat [neko-Shampoo] fly out from the entrance at incredible speed, shooting across the street and slamming into a building. The cat is followed by Shampoo's clothes and the other stuff she had with her. Akane's voice from below yells "And STAY OUT!". They watch with mild interest. Mousse then bounds down out of the sky. He grabs the cat and bounds off with it, yelling "Shampoo! I love you!" A moment later he comes back, grabs the clothes and other items that he evidently forgot the first time, and departs again.)
Ichinose: There's something you don't see every day.
Akemi: That guy said "I love you" to a cat.
Yotsuya: Perhaps a dead cat. It seems unlikely that an animal could have survived such an impact.
Ichinose: Another case of neko-philia.
Akemi: Sad, ain't it.
(Meanwhile, Yusaku is now happy because the noise has stopped.)
Yusaku: Ah, finally. Now I can get some sleep.
(He snoozes peacefully for a moment. There is a banging on his door. He is jarred out of bed. Opening the door, Yusaku sees his buddy Sakamoto, carrying his cat "Kyoko baby". Yusaku is very bleary-eyed.)
Yusaku: Sakamoto.
Sakamoto: Hey, Yusaku. How's it going? I have to go out of town on a family emergency. I was wondering if you would let Kyoko share your bed while I'm gone. This Kyoko, I mean.
Yusaku: I really wouldn't mind but... as you can see... my room isn't a good place for animals at the moment! (points out large hole in floor)
Sakamoto: I see what you mean.
(Meanwhile downstairs, Kyoko comes in with a bag of groceries. Mrs. Ichinose is there.)
Mrs. Ichinose: Hey Kyoko! Coach Mitaka will be here soon to pick us up for tennis!
Kyoko: I'll be ready in a minute! I need to feed Mr. Soichiro!
(Meanwhile outside, Ranma is exercising, doing katas and such. Mrs. Chigusa [Kyoko's mother] walks up, headed for Ikkoku when she spots Ranma. She is carrying a magazine.)
Mrs. Chigusa: <Hmmm... must be that new Chinese girl. Probably can't communicate, they never can.>
Ranma: Hi... how's it goin'?
Mrs. Chigusa: HELLO! DO... YOU... SPEAK... JAPANESE?
Ranma (imitating Mrs. Chigusa's manner): YES... HOW... ABOUT... YOU?
Mrs. Chigusa: I... AM... PLEASED... TO... MEET... YOU!
Ranma: THANK... YOU... I'M... FEELING... VERY... PATRONIZED... MYSELF!
Mrs. Chigusa: <I knew it! She used a completely wrong word.>
(She goes inside and into Kyoko's room.)
Kyoko: Hello, mother. What brings you here today?
Mrs. Chigusa: Don't sound so suspicious! Can't a mother just visit because she enjoys being with her own daughter?
Kyoko: You've come to get me to start dating again, haven't you. I've told you, I need to deal with Soichiro's death at my own pace.
Mrs. Chigusa: Now what reason have I given you to think that? Here I show up just to spend a little time with my only child, and all you can do is be suspicious?
Kyoko: I'm sorry, mother. You're right. I see you have a magazine.
Mrs. Chigusa: This? Oh... it's nothing...
Kyoko: "Koushokupolitan Magazine special edition: Guide to meeting and seducing rich eligible men". Picked this up for me, did you?
Mrs. Chigusa: Why, um, however did this get here? I must have bought the wrong magazine at the store! Well, since this is of no use to me I'll just leave it here...
Kyoko: Uh huh. See you later, mother.
(Meanwhile, Yusaku & Sakamoto come out of Yusaku's room, still talking. Mrs. Ichinose is listening from below the stairs.)
Yusaku: Sorry Kyoko, you cute little pussycat.
Mrs. Ichinose: <What was that about Kyoko's pussy?>
Sakamoto: That's okay, Kyoko can find somebody else's place to sleep at.
Ichinose: <Kyoko got dumped by Yusaku?>
Sakamoto: Hey, you look pretty terrible this morning.
Yusaku: Yeah, like I said that girl downstairs kept me up all night.
Mrs. Ichinose: <Wow! And on her first night here, no less!> (notices a couple of tea bags on the floor, where Kyoko just came in) <Kyoko must have dropped these. I'll just put them in her room for her.> (this she does; Kyoko is occupied with her mother and pays no attention)
(Meanwhile outside, Kentaro comes out the door and pets the dog.)
Kentaro: Hi, Doggy!
Ranma: Hi, kid.
Mrs. Ichinose (from inside): Kentaro! Why aren't you in school?
Kentaro: Today's Saturday, Mom! (to Ranma) Hi! You're that new lady who does martial arts!
Ranma: That's right.
Mrs. Ichinose: KENTARO! I thought I told you to get to SCHOOL!
Kentaro: It's summer vacation, mom! (to Ranma) Can I learn to do that stuff too?
Ranma: Well, it takes a lot of practice. But if you really want to try it, talk to Mr. Tendo or Mr. Saotome at this address. (writes down address)
Ichinose: KENTARO! Get to school NOW!!
Kentaro: I'm going, mom! Bye, Ms. Liang! Bye, Mr. Soichiro!
Ranma (looking at dog): THIS... is Soichiro?
Mrs. Ichinose: Uh huh.
Ranma: So that's what you meant last night?!? I know what to do! 'Scuse me a sec! (runs inside)
(Meanwhile back in Kyoko's room,)
Mrs. Chigusa: I can't believe you rented a room to that Chinese girl. She can barely speak the language!
Kyoko: Nonsense, she speaks perfectly well.
Mrs. Chigusa: Those people are all barbarians. What will happen to the property values? I've seen it happen before. Let one of these people move in, and soon you're up to your ears in all sorts of strange people. There goes the neighborhood!
Kyoko: This is already a poor neighborhood.
Mrs. Chigusa: Well, you'd better keep an eye on your dog out there. I hear those people still eat them. Don't be surprised if that girl tries to make dog stew!
Kyoko: Mother, you really will believe anything. (Mrs. Chigusa leaves. Kyoko notices tea left by Mrs. Ichinose.)
(She makes a cup of tea. Meanwhile, Ranma comes out of his room carrying a big pot of boiling water.)
Ranma: <Wish I could've found a smaller pot. Anyway, if Soichiro is cursed to turn into a dog, this'll turn him back.>
(As Kyoko is about to drink her tea, Ranma runs by outside her door carrying his pot of water.)
Ranma: Here I come, Soichiro, your dog days are over!
Kyoko: Dog stew... ? (Face-faults and spills all tea on floor; runs out in front of Ranma, who stops with a jerk and narrowly avoids spilling some hot water on himself) WHAT are you trying to do to my DOG?!?
Ranma: Lemme show you...
Kyoko: No! Stay away from my dog! Do you understand me!? (Dumps Ranma's water on the ground. Again he manages to dodge the water.)
(Ranma goes back to practicing. Coach Mitaka walks up.)
Mitaka: Nice moves!
Ranma: Thanks!
Mitaka (teeth sparkling): I'm Shun Mitaka, Kyoko's tennis instructor.
Ranma: Oh, hi. She'll be right back out, I think. In fact, I think this is Kyoko now.
(Ranma turns around and is face to face with the other Kyoko [the cat], being carried by Sakamoto. Ranma screams.)
Ranma: Gyaaaaaa!
Sakamoto: ?
(Meanwhile, Kyoko [the person] is coming back out, carrying dog food.)
Kyoko: OK, I'm ready! Let me feed the dog and we'll get --
(Kyoko sees that Ranma has jumped into Mitaka's arms.)
Kyoko: -- going.
Mitaka: No! Kyoko! It's not what it looks like!
(Mitaka seems about to blow up at Ranma, but he recovers his cool in time. He sets Ranma down.)
Mitaka: Miss, would you please not EVER jump on me like that!
Ranma: Hey, I can't help it! I'm afraid of cats! Anytime I get that close to one, I go crazy!
Yusaku (just now walking out): Hi, Kyoko.
Kyoko (feeding dog, not looking at Ranma & Mitaka at the moment):
Mitaka: I don't know how they do things in your country, but by our standards jumping at somebody like that is just not something that's done!
Ranma: I couldn't help it!
Kyoko (from out of shot): Hey! No! Come back here!
(We see Kyoko next to the doghouse which is now empty.)
Kyoko: Mr. Soichiro! DON'T YOU CHASE THAT CAT!
(Kyoko turns around to see a reverse of what she just saw: Mitaka has jumped into Ranma's arms because of the dog. Yusaku laughs.)
Kyoko: ... !
Mitaka: Dogs...
Ranma: Hypocrite!
Mrs. Ichinose: <Not one but BOTH of Kyoko's men, and she hasn't even been here a full day yet!>
Yusaku: Geez... how long is this going to go on?
(Down below, we see that sleeping girl-Ranma is the cause of the snoring. He is suddenly hit with hot water and awakes with a start in male form. We see Shampoo standing over him with a kettle of water.)
Shampoo: Ni hao!
Ranma: Shampoo! What the heck are you doing here?
Shampoo: Shampoo bring breakfast! Hot dumplings and tea! (notices Akane sleeping on the floor) Aiyaa! Akane spend night here with you?
Ranma: She got drunk and passed out on the floor. Though I dunno why I should have to explain anything to you. Don't mention this to anybody. I mean Akane getting drunk. What are you doing here anyway? How'd you know where I was?
Shampoo: Nabiki Tendo tell where you are. For 7500 Yen. Also make me promise not to give away secret. I tell manager I Liang Xiaojie's friend from back in China. Please enjoy food! (He starts eating)
(Akane quietly gets up. Shampoo watches Ranma finish the food. She smiles as if expecting something to happen. It doesn't. She smiles at Ranma. Ranma awkwardly smiles back, not knowing what's going on. Then she throws down a small box in anger.)
Shampoo: Stupid thing! Why no work?
(Ranma picks up the box. It is labeled in six different languages, and contains a number of tea bags. He finds the Japanese labeling and reads.)
Ranma (reading): "AMAZON BRAND MAGICAL APHRODISIAC HERBAL TEA. USE ONLY AS DIRECTED"
Shampoo: You drink this, you should sweep Shampoo away on winds of passion! What go wrong? Aiyou.
(Ranma turns the box around and reads the fine print:)
Ranma (reading, with difficulty as the type is pretty small): "WARNING! INDIVIDUALS WHO HAVE UNDERGONE SPIRITUAL TRAINING, SUCH AS MEDITATION OR MARTIAL ARTS, ARE UNLIKELY TO BE AFFECTED BY THIS PRODUCT DUE TO INCREASED WILLPOWER. FOR THESE INDIVIDUALS, PLEASE BUY NEW EXTRA-STRENGTH AMAZON BRAND MAGICAL APHRODISIAC HERBAL TEA, AVAILABLE AT STORES NEAR YOU."
Shampoo: So that why.
Ranma: Wait, there's more. "THIS PRODUCT IS INTENDED FOR USE BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS. USE ON AN UNWILLING OR UNKNOWING TARGET IS ILLEGAL AND IMMORAL IN MOST COUNTRIES. SUCH AN ACT IS THE MARK OF A PERSON WHO IS OBVIOUSLY UTTERLY DESPERATE BECAUSE SHE CAN'T TRAP HERSELF A HUSBAND ANY OTHER WAY."
Shampoo: It say that?
Ranma: Uh, yeah. That last part is written in Swahili, though. I had to translate it.
Shampoo: You so clever, Ranma. You are... what we call in China a {smartass}.
Ranma: (having not understood) uh... yeah, I guess I am at that.
Shampoo: Shampoo go to work now. Great-grandmother out of town, Mousse and I very busy. You come to restaurant tonight, Shampoo give you dinner. But not bring Akane. She too violent... (At this point she and Ranma turn to see Akane, just as she throws water on both of them.)
(Cut to up on the balcony, where Akemi, Yotsuya, and Mrs. Ichinose sit enjoying the early summer weather. They hear a noise from below and look down toward the building entrance.
They see a cat [neko-Shampoo] fly out from the entrance at incredible speed, shooting across the street and slamming into a building. The cat is followed by Shampoo's clothes and the other stuff she had with her. Akane's voice from below yells "And STAY OUT!". They watch with mild interest. Mousse then bounds down out of the sky. He grabs the cat and bounds off with it, yelling "Shampoo! I love you!" A moment later he comes back, grabs the clothes and other items that he evidently forgot the first time, and departs again.)
Ichinose: There's something you don't see every day.
Akemi: That guy said "I love you" to a cat.
Yotsuya: Perhaps a dead cat. It seems unlikely that an animal could have survived such an impact.
Ichinose: Another case of neko-philia.
Akemi: Sad, ain't it.
(Meanwhile, Yusaku is now happy because the noise has stopped.)
Yusaku: Ah, finally. Now I can get some sleep.
(He snoozes peacefully for a moment. There is a banging on his door. He is jarred out of bed. Opening the door, Yusaku sees his buddy Sakamoto, carrying his cat "Kyoko baby". Yusaku is very bleary-eyed.)
Yusaku: Sakamoto.
Sakamoto: Hey, Yusaku. How's it going? I have to go out of town on a family emergency. I was wondering if you would let Kyoko share your bed while I'm gone. This Kyoko, I mean.
Yusaku: I really wouldn't mind but... as you can see... my room isn't a good place for animals at the moment! (points out large hole in floor)
Sakamoto: I see what you mean.
(Meanwhile downstairs, Kyoko comes in with a bag of groceries. Mrs. Ichinose is there.)
Mrs. Ichinose: Hey Kyoko! Coach Mitaka will be here soon to pick us up for tennis!
Kyoko: I'll be ready in a minute! I need to feed Mr. Soichiro!
(Meanwhile outside, Ranma is exercising, doing katas and such. Mrs. Chigusa [Kyoko's mother] walks up, headed for Ikkoku when she spots Ranma. She is carrying a magazine.)
Mrs. Chigusa: <Hmmm... must be that new Chinese girl. Probably can't communicate, they never can.>
Ranma: Hi... how's it goin'?
Mrs. Chigusa: HELLO! DO... YOU... SPEAK... JAPANESE?
Ranma (imitating Mrs. Chigusa's manner): YES... HOW... ABOUT... YOU?
Mrs. Chigusa: I... AM... PLEASED... TO... MEET... YOU!
Ranma: THANK... YOU... I'M... FEELING... VERY... PATRONIZED... MYSELF!
Mrs. Chigusa: <I knew it! She used a completely wrong word.>
(She goes inside and into Kyoko's room.)
Kyoko: Hello, mother. What brings you here today?
Mrs. Chigusa: Don't sound so suspicious! Can't a mother just visit because she enjoys being with her own daughter?
Kyoko: You've come to get me to start dating again, haven't you. I've told you, I need to deal with Soichiro's death at my own pace.
Mrs. Chigusa: Now what reason have I given you to think that? Here I show up just to spend a little time with my only child, and all you can do is be suspicious?
Kyoko: I'm sorry, mother. You're right. I see you have a magazine.
Mrs. Chigusa: This? Oh... it's nothing...
Kyoko: "Koushokupolitan Magazine special edition: Guide to meeting and seducing rich eligible men". Picked this up for me, did you?
Mrs. Chigusa: Why, um, however did this get here? I must have bought the wrong magazine at the store! Well, since this is of no use to me I'll just leave it here...
Kyoko: Uh huh. See you later, mother.
(Meanwhile, Yusaku & Sakamoto come out of Yusaku's room, still talking. Mrs. Ichinose is listening from below the stairs.)
Yusaku: Sorry Kyoko, you cute little pussycat.
Mrs. Ichinose: <What was that about Kyoko's pussy?>
Sakamoto: That's okay, Kyoko can find somebody else's place to sleep at.
Ichinose: <Kyoko got dumped by Yusaku?>
Sakamoto: Hey, you look pretty terrible this morning.
Yusaku: Yeah, like I said that girl downstairs kept me up all night.
Mrs. Ichinose: <Wow! And on her first night here, no less!> (notices a couple of tea bags on the floor, where Kyoko just came in) <Kyoko must have dropped these. I'll just put them in her room for her.> (this she does; Kyoko is occupied with her mother and pays no attention)
(Meanwhile outside, Kentaro comes out the door and pets the dog.)
Kentaro: Hi, Doggy!
Ranma: Hi, kid.
Mrs. Ichinose (from inside): Kentaro! Why aren't you in school?
Kentaro: Today's Saturday, Mom! (to Ranma) Hi! You're that new lady who does martial arts!
Ranma: That's right.
Mrs. Ichinose: KENTARO! I thought I told you to get to SCHOOL!
Kentaro: It's summer vacation, mom! (to Ranma) Can I learn to do that stuff too?
Ranma: Well, it takes a lot of practice. But if you really want to try it, talk to Mr. Tendo or Mr. Saotome at this address. (writes down address)
Ichinose: KENTARO! Get to school NOW!!
Kentaro: I'm going, mom! Bye, Ms. Liang! Bye, Mr. Soichiro!
Ranma (looking at dog): THIS... is Soichiro?
Mrs. Ichinose: Uh huh.
Ranma: So that's what you meant last night?!? I know what to do! 'Scuse me a sec! (runs inside)
(Meanwhile back in Kyoko's room,)
Mrs. Chigusa: I can't believe you rented a room to that Chinese girl. She can barely speak the language!
Kyoko: Nonsense, she speaks perfectly well.
Mrs. Chigusa: Those people are all barbarians. What will happen to the property values? I've seen it happen before. Let one of these people move in, and soon you're up to your ears in all sorts of strange people. There goes the neighborhood!
Kyoko: This is already a poor neighborhood.
Mrs. Chigusa: Well, you'd better keep an eye on your dog out there. I hear those people still eat them. Don't be surprised if that girl tries to make dog stew!
Kyoko: Mother, you really will believe anything. (Mrs. Chigusa leaves. Kyoko notices tea left by Mrs. Ichinose.)
(She makes a cup of tea. Meanwhile, Ranma comes out of his room carrying a big pot of boiling water.)
Ranma: <Wish I could've found a smaller pot. Anyway, if Soichiro is cursed to turn into a dog, this'll turn him back.>
(As Kyoko is about to drink her tea, Ranma runs by outside her door carrying his pot of water.)
Ranma: Here I come, Soichiro, your dog days are over!
Kyoko: Dog stew... ? (Face-faults and spills all tea on floor; runs out in front of Ranma, who stops with a jerk and narrowly avoids spilling some hot water on himself) WHAT are you trying to do to my DOG?!?
Ranma: Lemme show you...
Kyoko: No! Stay away from my dog! Do you understand me!? (Dumps Ranma's water on the ground. Again he manages to dodge the water.)
(Ranma goes back to practicing. Coach Mitaka walks up.)
Mitaka: Nice moves!
Ranma: Thanks!
Mitaka (teeth sparkling): I'm Shun Mitaka, Kyoko's tennis instructor.
Ranma: Oh, hi. She'll be right back out, I think. In fact, I think this is Kyoko now.
(Ranma turns around and is face to face with the other Kyoko [the cat], being carried by Sakamoto. Ranma screams.)
Ranma: Gyaaaaaa!
Sakamoto: ?
(Meanwhile, Kyoko [the person] is coming back out, carrying dog food.)
Kyoko: OK, I'm ready! Let me feed the dog and we'll get --
(Kyoko sees that Ranma has jumped into Mitaka's arms.)
Kyoko: -- going.
Mitaka: No! Kyoko! It's not what it looks like!
(Mitaka seems about to blow up at Ranma, but he recovers his cool in time. He sets Ranma down.)
Mitaka: Miss, would you please not EVER jump on me like that!
Ranma: Hey, I can't help it! I'm afraid of cats! Anytime I get that close to one, I go crazy!
Yusaku (just now walking out): Hi, Kyoko.
Kyoko (feeding dog, not looking at Ranma & Mitaka at the moment):
Mitaka: I don't know how they do things in your country, but by our standards jumping at somebody like that is just not something that's done!
Ranma: I couldn't help it!
Kyoko (from out of shot): Hey! No! Come back here!
(We see Kyoko next to the doghouse which is now empty.)
Kyoko: Mr. Soichiro! DON'T YOU CHASE THAT CAT!
(Kyoko turns around to see a reverse of what she just saw: Mitaka has jumped into Ranma's arms because of the dog. Yusaku laughs.)
Kyoko: ... !
Mitaka: Dogs...
Ranma: Hypocrite!
Mrs. Ichinose: <Not one but BOTH of Kyoko's men, and she hasn't even been here a full day yet!>
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