[Scene: A room, bare except for a desk and several chairs. On the former rests a computer monitor and keyboard. The latter are occupied by Gary,Hiroshi, and Daisuke.]

Gary: Hello! As you may know, Hiroshi and Daisuke are my fanfic MSTing team. Today, we're here for something different.

Hiroshi: They said it couldn't be done....

Daisuke: Actually, what they said was that it shouldn't be done....

Gary: Due to a momentary lapse of any sort of sense on my part, I've agreed to let these two actually write a fic of their own.

Daisuke: Hey, even Uncle Fester gets to write one fic a year!

Gary: What sort of fic are you going to do, guys?

Hiroshi: Well, you stipulated no lemons. So that eliminated our first fifty or so ideas.... Our next thought was to write a really cerebral character drama. Something to let the readers empathize with each and every one of the characters as they interact in a complex web of tension.

Gary: Well, that sounds....

Daisuke: But that would be too hard, so we decided instead to do something with fanboy appeal.

Hiroshi: Without further ado....


by Hiroshi & Daisuke


Hiroshi: Hey, do you think "Fanboy's Wet Dream" would've been a better title?

Gary: Uh, no.

Daisuke: Right, we'll save that one for the lemon version.

Gary: You are not doing a lemon version....


Ranma ran along the road. The road passed by under his feet, as if it were a road and he were running along it. Along the road he ran. He continued to run along the road, until he stopped at a building. The sign said, "OKONOMIYAKI UCCHAN'S."

He stepped into the restaurant. "Ucchan!!" His desperate cry echoed throughout the building, annoying several of the neighbors.

"Ran-chan?" Ukyo came down the stairs.

"Ukyo, you have to help me!" Ranma said, staring with big pleading eyes. "It's Akane!"

"Akane? The same Akane who you recently married instead of me?"

Ranma rolled his eyes. "No duh! How many Akanes do you know, anyway?"

Ukyo glared at him. "Don't get smart with me, Ran-chan! I was just doing necessary exposition! What's the trouble with Akane?"

"She...." His voice quivered with pain. "You remember how she always used to hit me? Whap me over the head, kick me around, and all that stuff?"

"Yeah, I remember." Ukyo stared back cautiously. "So what?"

"Well, she doesn't do it anymore. And I actually kinda... liked it. So I thought, you having that big spatula and all...."


Gary: Guys, this is NOT going to appeal to fanboys.

Daisuke: What do you mean?

Hiroshi: I think I know what we need to do. Let's back up and rewrite....


"Yeah, I remember." Ukyo stared back cautiously. "So what?"

"So, she keeps doing it. And also, in the two weeks we've been married, she's spontaneously aged fifty years and lost all of her teeth and most of her hair."

"Really?" Ukyo gaped in disbelief. "I'm surprised to hear that. I thought it would be all of her teeth and all of her hair."

Ranma struck a serious, dramatic pose. "Ucchan, you know what kinda guy I am. Once I get started on something, I see it through to the end. I hate failing at anything. If there's a challenge to be met, I meet it no matter what stands in my way."

Ukyo nodded.

"But dealing with an ugly chick is just too much of a bother. So I've decided to switch to you instead." He grinned at her.

"I'm sorry, Ran-chan." Ukyo folded her arms and scowled at him. "But that just isn't going to happen."

"Why not?" He smiled at her. "Remember all those good times we had? All those heart-to-heart talks we had, that the writer of the series didn't happen to mention for some strange reason? And then afterwards, when your carefully-chosen words had cheered my spirit, we would go upstairs and...."

"You liar!" The palm of her hand struck hard across his face. "Anyway, I can't marry you, Ranma."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't like you. Never did, really. I only did all of those nice things for you because that's just the kind of person I am." She smiled self-approvingly. "Besides, I could never interfere in you and Akane's relationship. That would be wrong."

"Oh yeah? What about the time you...."


Daisuke: Um... how should she answer him after he asks this?

Hiroshi: Dunno.

Gary: Don't look at me. It's your fic.

Daisuke: I'll just cut this part out. Let's back up a bit....


"Because I don't like you. Never did, really. I only did all of those nice things for you because that's just the kind of person I am." She smiled self-approvingly. "Besides, I could never interfere in you and Akane's relationship. That would be wrong."

"Oh, please? Couldn't you just once make an exception?"


"All right, geez... if you're gonna be that way, I'll go find Shampoo."

"Nihao, Ranma!"

"Shampoo? When did you get here?"

"This completely new scene, Ranma. Writers not want bother to put in any description."

"Oh. Well, Shampoo, I've decided to...."

"Forget it, Ranma. Shampoo not like you either. Shampoo just pretend because Shampoo nice person. Shampoo know how big ego you have and want make you feel better by pretend Shampoo want marry you."

"Oh yeah! Um, me too, Ran-chan! That's exactly what I was doing!" Ukyo did some action here, to break up the long string of dialog. "And now, Shampoo and I have found a guy who we really like!"

"Another guy?" Ranma stared at her dubiously. "Who is he?"

"Oh, he's wonderful." Ukyo smiled warmly. "He's considerate, and strong, and intelligent, and he's definitely not an author-insertion character. Really."

"Hirosuke!" Shampoo called. "You come here for second, please?"


Gary: Um... "Hirosuke?"

Daisuke: Yeah. I lost the coin toss.

Hiroshi: It's not either of our names now, hmmm? No self-insert here at all.


A handsome, tall, very muscular, and handsome man walked into the room. "Hi!" He shook Ranma's hand with a painfully firm squeeze. "I don't represent the authors! Really, I deny that completely!"

"Ucchan... Shampoo... are you sayin' you like this guy better than me?"

The two women nodded.

"Nooooo!! I can't take it!" Ranma's hands gripped his head. He looked like the guy in that one painting that neither of us can remember the name of. "The pain! The pain and the shame! I can't live with it!"

"Ran-chan, what are you--"

"Ranma Saotome is... no more." Wiping a tear from his eye, he stepped out of the room.

"Ai ya! Ranma going to kill self? We stop him! He owe Shampoo money!"

"There's no need for that, Ran-chan! We're willing to let you live as our sex slave!"

Suddenly, Ranma returned. She was now in female form, clad only in a translucent pink nightgown offering a breathtaking view of her enormous breasts, not to mention her--


Gary: Er... guys?

Hiroshi: What?

Gary: This is messed up.

Daisuke: You first noticed this when?

Gary: I mean the POV. The story is told from Ranma's perspective, right? So why is he being described as if someone else were looking at him?

Hiroshi: Um....

Daisuke: Uh... wait, I know!


Wow, I'm really stacked, Ranma thought. Good thing that mirror happened to be there so I could check myself out.

"Ai yaaa! Ranma, what you do?"

"I told you, there IS no more Ranma!" She smiled coyly. "There is now only... Ranko Saotome, sex kitten!" She leapt directly into Hirosuke's arms. "C'mon, Mr. Not-a-self-insertion-character, let's get it on!"

"No fair, Ran-ch-- I mean, Ranko!" Ukyo exclaimed. "What about us?!?"

"Hey, no problem," Hirosuke said. "I can handle three!"

Ukyo and Shampoo smiled as they eagerly ran toward the man of their dreams, who was really, really not meant to represent the authors. There followed an orgy of love-making and debauchery that we wouldn't possibly be allowed to describe here. The end.


Daisuke: So, what do you think?

Gary: That's... hard to express in mere words.

Hiroshi: You mean you're struck speechless?

Gary: Um... something like that, yeah. Let's just be glad it was only a one-time thing.

Daisuke: Whaddaya mean? We don't get to do this again next year?

Gary: I don't think you guys are gonna be around next year. Not after Ranma reads this fic.