Oscir stared at his latest visitor. "How did you get in here?"

"Hacked into the Yggdrasil system," the little old man said. Wrinkles lined his face; between them were smaller wrinkles, with even smaller ones between those, like some sort of fractal pattern. "Everybody's doing it these days. You wouldn't believe how many people have accidentally managed to give themselves godly powers. Not that I would try anything like that. I just wanted to meet a goddess or two and borrow her undies."

"You're not supposed to be here," Oscir said. "The Butt competition is for gods. You're a manga character."

"Ah, but couldn't I be appointed as one?" Happosai tried to smile adorably and pretty much failed. "I'm sure there's a position I could fill. How about God of Sexual Perversion?"

"Are you kidding? There's a sixty-eon waiting list for that one." One which Oscir himself was number fifty-two on, in fact. "Look, I suppose I can let you stay. But only if you have a story to tell."

"A story, you say?" Happosai cast his gaze downward, putting a hand to his chin. "Yes, I think I might just be able to come up with something."

Oscir waited.

"I should mention that, just so we're perfectly clear, that I don't agree with the views of the character who appears in the story. Sadly, I've known many people who shared such views, and...."

"Just get on with it!" Oscir pulled the lever. Waters in the scrying bowl swirled, and an image began to form.


"My name is Straw," the old woman said. "Straw of the Amazons. I have come to indoctrinate you to my way of thinking."

"What way that?" Shampoo asked, as Akane, Kodachi, female Ranma, and Ukyo looked on.

"Feminism," Straw said. "And all that goes with it. The rejection of ancient martial arts wisdom. Witchcraft. Lesbianism. Godless communism. And the worst of all...."

Ukyo gasped. "You don't mean...."

"That's right!" the old woman cackled. "The fiendish evil of NOT LETTING OLD MEN HAVE YOUR UNDERWEAR! NYA HA HA!"

"Oh no!" Akane covered her face with her hands. "As a psychotic tomboy, I'm susceptible to this sort of message!"

"Me too, sugar. I mean, I'm already a cross-dresser!"

Suddenly, a voice interrupted. "Not so fast, old crone!"

The girls spun around. "Huh? It's...."

"That's right," Happosai said, standing proudly with feet firmly planted far apart. "As a martial arts master, it is my duty to oppose evil such as yours!"

"Nya ha ha!" Straw laughed. "My influence has already begun to corrupt these defenseless young women! What can you do about it, old man?"

"Your fiendish plan is cunning indeed, Straw. But there's one thing you haven't counted on."

"Oh?" She sneered at him. "And what's that?"

"The author of this fic's extreme dislike for you!" So saying, Happosai pulled the lever. The sixteen-ton weight crashed down, flattening Straw to a small grease spot.

The ladies clapped. "Oh, that was wonderful, sensei!" Kodachi said. "Truly, you have shown us the superiority of ancient martial arts wisdom! I'm proud to have you take my underwear."

"Old man take Shampoo undies, please!"

"Yeah, and you can take Akane's too."

"Ranma! Honestly, I wanted to be the one to offer it to him!"

"You can take mine too, hon. Sorry it's not the kind you like. I got used to wearing the guy's stuff a little while back."

Happosai smiled. "One at a time, ladies. One at a time!"


"Well, what do you think?"

Oscir pondered. "It's... difficult to express in words. I'll tell you what." He pointed Happosai towards a particular spot near the door. "Stand here."

"Um...." Happosai did as he was asked. "Now what?"

"Stay there for a moment. Just long enough for me to pull this lever."