The Butt: What if Ranma Were a Potato?
Category: Collaborations
Posted on May 20, 2013 by Gary
This is a parody of "The Bet," by Gregg Sharp. It is being done strictly for fun, and no offense is intended toward Mr. Sharp or any of the others who have worked on the series. All characters used herein are the rightful property of their respective creators.
PART ONE
Somewhere, in a room beyond the limits of time and space, dwelled a being beyond the limits of taste and sanity. The being sometimes took the form of a cat with coal-black fur. Other times, it appeared as a wild-haired young boy. In either case, the being wore an oversize smile; some would have described it as lascivious, while others would have merely looked away while clutching their stomachs.
The being laughed. "He he he! My visitor should be here soon!"
As if in response to his statement, a figure materialized in the room. A hood obscured its face, and bulky robes made it impossible to even tell what gender the figure was. Not that it mattered; such concerns were for lower beings.
A raspy voice issued forth from the figure, seeming to resonate at three or more different pitches at once. "You are he who is titled 'Feline God of Really Crappy Fanfiction?'"
"That's me!" the cat-being said. "But you can just call me by my given name. Oscir."
"I have come in response to your summons," the figure continued, maintaining a businesslike demeanor.
"Ah! Then you must be the goddess Taka--" Oscir found himself interrupted by a hand placed over his mouth.
"No. She of whom you speak has instructed me to convey a message. She refuses to be a part of, and I quote, 'whatever ridiculous project' you are planning. She furthermore says that if you so much as speak Her name, or even use it in your internal narration, divine retribution will surely befall you."
"Bummer." The goddess Tak--, or rather, the Goddess Whose Name Oscir Was Not Allowed to Mention, was reputed to be enormously powerful. There was no sense in taking chances, especially for a being whose motto was Love the One You're With. "Never mind. How about you? Come here often? What's your favorite color?"
"My function is as a god of moderation," the hooded figure answered dryly. "Though some say that the way in which I carry out my function is rather extreme."
Oscir scratched his head. "That's, um, interesting." He didn't like paradoxes; they meant thinking, and that always made his brain hurt. "Anyway, come here often? Did I use that line already?"
"I can see that you do not understand. I am a god of universal moderation. My function is to deal with those entities who imperil the cosmic equilibrium, or who are just too annoying to be allowed to exist. When I observe such an entity...." The figure froze Oscir with an evil glare -- a neat trick considering that its face remained completely hidden. "... my duty is to remove it from the continuum."
Oscir immediately backed away several feet. "Anyway, since you-know-who isn't here, perhaps you'd like to participate in my little project, hmmm?"
The figure nodded.
"The idea is to start with a timeline representing a popular, widely-enjoyed manga series -- and, by making the smallest possible change in the timeline, transform it into the silliest, most pointless 'alternate universe' imaginable. Something that will be the butt of everyone's jokes. You know the sort of thing I mean?"
"Yes. I am prepared with such an entry. It's an idea I once mentioned as a joke. One of our writers has hacked it out into a teaser. Let us watch."
The figure looked down onto the ground, where a small circular pool of water lay. For several moments, it stared into the still waters.
"Um... is something supposed to be happening here?"
Oscir reached down onto the floor next to the pool, pulling on a small silvery handle. A whooshing sound was heard as the waters of the pool suddenly swirled around and around in violent circles, and a scene began to form....
***
Soun Tendo stared at the postcard.
Hi. Bringing Ranma from China. -- Saotome
"A- Another alternate universe fic?" Tears formed in his eyes as he read the words again, the postcard shaking in his grip. "Oh, how I've w-w-waited for this day!"
***
"Ranma?"
Genma Saotome strolled proudly down Jagaimo street. Passers-by shot curious looks at him, which he ignored. After all, the life of a martial artist was not something that could be understood by the layman.
"Ranma! Where are you, son?"
The boy had run away again. He would be found; Genma had no worries about that. He was simply looking for attention -- hiding because he wanted his father to come after him. It was a perfectly normal phase for him to be going through at this time of life, though his impending engagement to one of the Tendo daughters did make it an inconvenient time.
Genma cast his gaze at a street vendor. "Ah! There you are, son!" He spotted Ranma, sitting idly on a vegetable cart. "You can't hang around here, son. It's time to meet your future wife! I know you're nervous about the engagement, but we've all got to do our part to uphold family honor."
The vendor stared at Genma uncomprehendingly. Genma handed the man a few yen for his troubles as he took hold of Ranma. For some reason, people always seemed to expect money from him for finding the boy.
"Let's go, son." It was strange, come to think of it. Every time Ranma was missing, he would always turn up somewhere where they sold vegetables. But Genma wasn't complaining, since that made it easier to find the lad.
Yes, the life of a martial artist wasn't easy. The public simply didn't understand. Even Nodoka hadn't understood, back on that painful day when father and son had had to say goodbye to mother....
***
"Good wife, bring me our infant son. I must take him along on a rough and arduous training journey so that he may be molded and shaped into the greatest martial artist of his time."
"Dear...." Nodoka gazed up through teary eyes. "I'm afraid that that won't be possible. I'm afraid Ranma is... no longer with us."
Genma rolled his eyes. "Of course he isn't with us. That's why I wanted you to bring him to me."
"You don't understand. The doctor said a rare childhood disease was responsible. Don't you see, Ranma has... passed away."
"Um...." Genma scratched his head. "Okay. So change his diapers and then bring him to me."
"Dear." Nodoka's voice became quieter and a bit more firm. "I'm telling you that Ranma is dead."
"What does that mean?" Genma asked. Nodoka replied by gesturing with her index finger, indicating for him to come closer. He brought his ear directly up to her mouth.
"IT MEANS DEAD, YOU IDIOT! AS A DOORNAIL! HE'S A CORPSE! WORM FOOD! HE'S KICKED THE BUCKET! HE'S SHUFFLED OFF THIS MORTAL COIL AND JOINED THE CHOIR INVISIBLE! YOU KNOW THE REST!"
Genma pulled back, calmly brushing a few drops of sweat from his forehead with his hand. "I'm afraid you must be mistaken, dear."
Nodoka folded her arms in front of her. "There's no mistake, husband."
"But of course there is," Genma said in a lecturing tone. "A true martial artist does not accept defeat. Certainly Ranma, destined to take his place as the greatest martial artist of his generation, would never accept the greatest defeat of all."
Nodoka stared intently at Genma for several moments, as though she were trying to solve a puzzle. "All right, dear. Just wait right here. I'll bring you Ranma."
Genma beamed a self-satisfied smile as his wife went into the kitchen. Women were always so sentimental. He knew how to handle them, though. You just had to be firm.
Nodoka quickly re-entered the room. "Here you are, dear." She put something into Genma's outstretched hands. "Here's Ranma."
"Ranma!" Genma gazed down at the boy. "Ready for a lifetime of training, son?" The boy was smaller than he'd expected, but he could tell that he was healthy. Maybe it was because of his robust complexion.
***
"Do we have to do the scene from volume one, Daddy?" Nabiki asked.
Soun nodded sagely. "I'm afraid so. It's in our contract. This is an alternate universe fic!"
"All right, if we must...." Nabiki continued, sounding unenthused, with Kasumi accompanying her in unison. "What kind of guy is this Ranma?"
Soun laughed, then cleared his throat. "No idea."
"Excuse me, Father?" Kasumi said. "Could we at least skip a bit here?"
"Um, I guess that would be all right." Footsteps were heard from outside. Soun and Nabiki ran towards the entrance.
"Daddy!" Nabiki shouted. "I'm not marrying Ranma! He's old, and bald, and he has a pot belly!"
Soun whapped Nabiki on the head with a pillow. "That's not Ranma! That's my old friend Genma Saotome! Ranma is his son!"
"Oh." Nabiki's wide smile returned. "So where is Ranma?" she asked Genma. "Is he cute?"
Genma plopped something down on the floor. "Ranma, meet my friend Tendo and his three daughters. One of them will be your new wife!"
The three girls stared down on the floor. "Daddy," Nabiki said, "this is a potato."
Soun shook his head, bewildered.
"Is this a joke, Dad?" Akane asked angrily. "How could your friend have given birth to a potato?!"
"Oh my," Kasumi said disappointedly. "I bet this potato is younger than I am."
Genma looked down at the potato. "Ranma, take some time to get to know these girls. Later, you'll be choosing one of them to marry!"
"Oh, he wants Akane," Kasumi quickly volunteered.
"Oh, definitely," agreed Nabiki quickly.
"Eh?" Akane scowled at her sisters. "You must be joking! Why would I be--"
"Well...." Nabiki replied calmly, "you're always saying how you hate boys, aren't you?"
"So you're in luck!" Kasumi smiled at her. "He's a vegetable! Completely asexual!"
"Yeah, Akane. And you won't have to worry about him being unfaithful. Ranma only has eyes for you!"
"Akane, give it a chance," Soun said. "Talk to Ranma. Get to know each other."
Genma nodded. "Excellent idea, Tendo." He turned to his would-be daughter in law. "What do you like to do other than martial arts, Akane? Ranma's favorite hobby is floating down rivers in an old inner tube."
"Yeah, right," Akane grumbled.
"It is! Ask anyone! Everyone who knows Ranma will tell you that he's a tuber!"
Akane rolled her eyes. "Okay, Ranma, I'll tell you something about myself. Would you like to know what my favorite old American television show is?"
Everyone paused to listen.
"Mash!" Akane suddenly picked up the living room table and, in one quick motion, slammed it down, crushing the potato.
"Ranma?" Genma stared uncomprehendingly at the scene. "Where are you, boy?" He turned to Soun. "He must've run off again. He does that from time to time."
"It's okay, Mr. Saotome," Kasumi said. "I think I know where Ranma is. Look in the bag under the kitchen cabinet."
***
"Well, what do you think?" the robed figure asked.
"He he he! It's great!" Oscir jumped into the air, clicking his heels. "An idea that lame is a sign of true genius! Oh, we're off to a great start! Eat your heart out, Takahashi-sama!"
Oscir froze, realizing what he'd just said. The two figures looked up as a low creaking sound was heard. Then the ceiling collapsed, burying them both. Would this be... the end?
"No!" From under a ton of rubble, Oscir smiled. "He he he! This is only the beginning!"
PART ONE
Somewhere, in a room beyond the limits of time and space, dwelled a being beyond the limits of taste and sanity. The being sometimes took the form of a cat with coal-black fur. Other times, it appeared as a wild-haired young boy. In either case, the being wore an oversize smile; some would have described it as lascivious, while others would have merely looked away while clutching their stomachs.
The being laughed. "He he he! My visitor should be here soon!"
As if in response to his statement, a figure materialized in the room. A hood obscured its face, and bulky robes made it impossible to even tell what gender the figure was. Not that it mattered; such concerns were for lower beings.
A raspy voice issued forth from the figure, seeming to resonate at three or more different pitches at once. "You are he who is titled 'Feline God of Really Crappy Fanfiction?'"
"That's me!" the cat-being said. "But you can just call me by my given name. Oscir."
"I have come in response to your summons," the figure continued, maintaining a businesslike demeanor.
"Ah! Then you must be the goddess Taka--" Oscir found himself interrupted by a hand placed over his mouth.
"No. She of whom you speak has instructed me to convey a message. She refuses to be a part of, and I quote, 'whatever ridiculous project' you are planning. She furthermore says that if you so much as speak Her name, or even use it in your internal narration, divine retribution will surely befall you."
"Bummer." The goddess Tak--, or rather, the Goddess Whose Name Oscir Was Not Allowed to Mention, was reputed to be enormously powerful. There was no sense in taking chances, especially for a being whose motto was Love the One You're With. "Never mind. How about you? Come here often? What's your favorite color?"
"My function is as a god of moderation," the hooded figure answered dryly. "Though some say that the way in which I carry out my function is rather extreme."
Oscir scratched his head. "That's, um, interesting." He didn't like paradoxes; they meant thinking, and that always made his brain hurt. "Anyway, come here often? Did I use that line already?"
"I can see that you do not understand. I am a god of universal moderation. My function is to deal with those entities who imperil the cosmic equilibrium, or who are just too annoying to be allowed to exist. When I observe such an entity...." The figure froze Oscir with an evil glare -- a neat trick considering that its face remained completely hidden. "... my duty is to remove it from the continuum."
Oscir immediately backed away several feet. "Anyway, since you-know-who isn't here, perhaps you'd like to participate in my little project, hmmm?"
The figure nodded.
"The idea is to start with a timeline representing a popular, widely-enjoyed manga series -- and, by making the smallest possible change in the timeline, transform it into the silliest, most pointless 'alternate universe' imaginable. Something that will be the butt of everyone's jokes. You know the sort of thing I mean?"
"Yes. I am prepared with such an entry. It's an idea I once mentioned as a joke. One of our writers has hacked it out into a teaser. Let us watch."
The figure looked down onto the ground, where a small circular pool of water lay. For several moments, it stared into the still waters.
"Um... is something supposed to be happening here?"
Oscir reached down onto the floor next to the pool, pulling on a small silvery handle. A whooshing sound was heard as the waters of the pool suddenly swirled around and around in violent circles, and a scene began to form....
***
Soun Tendo stared at the postcard.
Hi. Bringing Ranma from China. -- Saotome
"A- Another alternate universe fic?" Tears formed in his eyes as he read the words again, the postcard shaking in his grip. "Oh, how I've w-w-waited for this day!"
***
"Ranma?"
Genma Saotome strolled proudly down Jagaimo street. Passers-by shot curious looks at him, which he ignored. After all, the life of a martial artist was not something that could be understood by the layman.
"Ranma! Where are you, son?"
The boy had run away again. He would be found; Genma had no worries about that. He was simply looking for attention -- hiding because he wanted his father to come after him. It was a perfectly normal phase for him to be going through at this time of life, though his impending engagement to one of the Tendo daughters did make it an inconvenient time.
Genma cast his gaze at a street vendor. "Ah! There you are, son!" He spotted Ranma, sitting idly on a vegetable cart. "You can't hang around here, son. It's time to meet your future wife! I know you're nervous about the engagement, but we've all got to do our part to uphold family honor."
The vendor stared at Genma uncomprehendingly. Genma handed the man a few yen for his troubles as he took hold of Ranma. For some reason, people always seemed to expect money from him for finding the boy.
"Let's go, son." It was strange, come to think of it. Every time Ranma was missing, he would always turn up somewhere where they sold vegetables. But Genma wasn't complaining, since that made it easier to find the lad.
Yes, the life of a martial artist wasn't easy. The public simply didn't understand. Even Nodoka hadn't understood, back on that painful day when father and son had had to say goodbye to mother....
***
"Good wife, bring me our infant son. I must take him along on a rough and arduous training journey so that he may be molded and shaped into the greatest martial artist of his time."
"Dear...." Nodoka gazed up through teary eyes. "I'm afraid that that won't be possible. I'm afraid Ranma is... no longer with us."
Genma rolled his eyes. "Of course he isn't with us. That's why I wanted you to bring him to me."
"You don't understand. The doctor said a rare childhood disease was responsible. Don't you see, Ranma has... passed away."
"Um...." Genma scratched his head. "Okay. So change his diapers and then bring him to me."
"Dear." Nodoka's voice became quieter and a bit more firm. "I'm telling you that Ranma is dead."
"What does that mean?" Genma asked. Nodoka replied by gesturing with her index finger, indicating for him to come closer. He brought his ear directly up to her mouth.
"IT MEANS DEAD, YOU IDIOT! AS A DOORNAIL! HE'S A CORPSE! WORM FOOD! HE'S KICKED THE BUCKET! HE'S SHUFFLED OFF THIS MORTAL COIL AND JOINED THE CHOIR INVISIBLE! YOU KNOW THE REST!"
Genma pulled back, calmly brushing a few drops of sweat from his forehead with his hand. "I'm afraid you must be mistaken, dear."
Nodoka folded her arms in front of her. "There's no mistake, husband."
"But of course there is," Genma said in a lecturing tone. "A true martial artist does not accept defeat. Certainly Ranma, destined to take his place as the greatest martial artist of his generation, would never accept the greatest defeat of all."
Nodoka stared intently at Genma for several moments, as though she were trying to solve a puzzle. "All right, dear. Just wait right here. I'll bring you Ranma."
Genma beamed a self-satisfied smile as his wife went into the kitchen. Women were always so sentimental. He knew how to handle them, though. You just had to be firm.
Nodoka quickly re-entered the room. "Here you are, dear." She put something into Genma's outstretched hands. "Here's Ranma."
"Ranma!" Genma gazed down at the boy. "Ready for a lifetime of training, son?" The boy was smaller than he'd expected, but he could tell that he was healthy. Maybe it was because of his robust complexion.
***
"Do we have to do the scene from volume one, Daddy?" Nabiki asked.
Soun nodded sagely. "I'm afraid so. It's in our contract. This is an alternate universe fic!"
"All right, if we must...." Nabiki continued, sounding unenthused, with Kasumi accompanying her in unison. "What kind of guy is this Ranma?"
Soun laughed, then cleared his throat. "No idea."
"Excuse me, Father?" Kasumi said. "Could we at least skip a bit here?"
"Um, I guess that would be all right." Footsteps were heard from outside. Soun and Nabiki ran towards the entrance.
"Daddy!" Nabiki shouted. "I'm not marrying Ranma! He's old, and bald, and he has a pot belly!"
Soun whapped Nabiki on the head with a pillow. "That's not Ranma! That's my old friend Genma Saotome! Ranma is his son!"
"Oh." Nabiki's wide smile returned. "So where is Ranma?" she asked Genma. "Is he cute?"
Genma plopped something down on the floor. "Ranma, meet my friend Tendo and his three daughters. One of them will be your new wife!"
The three girls stared down on the floor. "Daddy," Nabiki said, "this is a potato."
Soun shook his head, bewildered.
"Is this a joke, Dad?" Akane asked angrily. "How could your friend have given birth to a potato?!"
"Oh my," Kasumi said disappointedly. "I bet this potato is younger than I am."
Genma looked down at the potato. "Ranma, take some time to get to know these girls. Later, you'll be choosing one of them to marry!"
"Oh, he wants Akane," Kasumi quickly volunteered.
"Oh, definitely," agreed Nabiki quickly.
"Eh?" Akane scowled at her sisters. "You must be joking! Why would I be--"
"Well...." Nabiki replied calmly, "you're always saying how you hate boys, aren't you?"
"So you're in luck!" Kasumi smiled at her. "He's a vegetable! Completely asexual!"
"Yeah, Akane. And you won't have to worry about him being unfaithful. Ranma only has eyes for you!"
"Akane, give it a chance," Soun said. "Talk to Ranma. Get to know each other."
Genma nodded. "Excellent idea, Tendo." He turned to his would-be daughter in law. "What do you like to do other than martial arts, Akane? Ranma's favorite hobby is floating down rivers in an old inner tube."
"Yeah, right," Akane grumbled.
"It is! Ask anyone! Everyone who knows Ranma will tell you that he's a tuber!"
Akane rolled her eyes. "Okay, Ranma, I'll tell you something about myself. Would you like to know what my favorite old American television show is?"
Everyone paused to listen.
"Mash!" Akane suddenly picked up the living room table and, in one quick motion, slammed it down, crushing the potato.
"Ranma?" Genma stared uncomprehendingly at the scene. "Where are you, boy?" He turned to Soun. "He must've run off again. He does that from time to time."
"It's okay, Mr. Saotome," Kasumi said. "I think I know where Ranma is. Look in the bag under the kitchen cabinet."
***
"Well, what do you think?" the robed figure asked.
"He he he! It's great!" Oscir jumped into the air, clicking his heels. "An idea that lame is a sign of true genius! Oh, we're off to a great start! Eat your heart out, Takahashi-sama!"
Oscir froze, realizing what he'd just said. The two figures looked up as a low creaking sound was heard. Then the ceiling collapsed, burying them both. Would this be... the end?
"No!" From under a ton of rubble, Oscir smiled. "He he he! This is only the beginning!"
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