Quest For The Silly Spamfic
Category: Collaborations
Posted on May 16, 2013 by Gary
A SILLY FANFIC FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT: PART ONE
Ye Stars (who are also Ye Writers, with one obvious exception):
(In Alphabetical order)
Sir Gary Kleppe, champion of the poor and oppressed, spouter of irrelevancies.
Sir Jim Nutley, defender of the realm, humble ranter of class the first.
Sir Numbski Shadwick, noble knight and part time restaurateur on his days off.
Sir Tatewaki Kuno(u), comic relief.
(Our story opens with Sir Gary and Sir Kuno. Sir Jim enters.)
Jim: What ho! I bring grave news. The castle FFML has fallen to the evil power of the mailer-daemon. I will ride forth to put right to this travesty! I seek the finest and bravest of knights to join me in my quest. But you two will have to do.
Gary: Hooray! We ride! Absolutely! Um... where to?
Kuno: To the FFML, as he just finished saying, you silly person.
Gary: Oh, yeah, obviously. But how do we get there?
Jim: Dost thou not possess the noble title of FFML cartographer?
Gary: Oh yeah. But that map only covers the FFML. To get to the FFML is a whole 'nother ball of wax.
All: Hmmm...
(jump cut, scene changes to outdoors)
Kuno: Pardon me, I shall consult with yon local folk. Friends, wither FFML?
Man: This here ain't Tokyo, y'know. Y'all gotta go five hundred miles south from here.
Kuno: Verily, whom do I look like? Sir Hibiki?
Gary: Darn it! I knew we should've turned left at Albuquerque!
Jim: Perhaps at yon local dining establishment we may acquire better directions.
(They enter. The sign on the door says "Nekohanten
(http://www.greenville.edu/~ashadwic/ranma)")
[EDITORIAL NOTE: This address is no longer valid. Numbski's page, including the Nekohanten, went down a while back and we haven't heard from him since.]
Gary: Hey, how come I don't get a plug for *my* web page in this?
Kuno: It's in your .sig, fool!
(They enter, the camera cuts to the inside of the Nekohanten where a young man in a white Chinese gown and thick glasses bows to the readers)
Mousse: The writers of this fanfic wish to point out that this is a parody, and that the views or actions that I or any character may express do NOT necessarily represent our 'real' or IC views or activities, or the activities of the actual copyright holding authors or the fanfic authors themselves. Most especially with respect to this. (Mousse indicates the little red book he is holding.)
(Pan to a table. The knights are seated. The manager, Sir Numbski, addresses the other knights. The waitress, Shampoo, smiles cutely. Mousse seats himself at an adjacent table)
Numbski: Ho, good sirs. Here can one partake of vast quantities of spam, as well as the occasional fanfic. It is a place for discussions of all matters of worldly import.
Gary: Can we just eat, or something?
Jim: Yes, let us order. Ho, good waitress!
Shampoo: Shampoo is not a 'ho!
Jim: Pray waitress, I merely wish thou to take our order!
Shampoo: Why tincan gymclothes fanboys pray Shampoo? Shampoo no got facemarks!
Jim: Nay, goodwoman, we seek to summon our repast.
Shampoo: Tincan gymclothes fanboys want past that past again come back???
Jim: Alas, surely I have spoken poorly to thee fair maiden, but come. We valiant knights, in quest the FFML to rescue, doth crave some sustenance.
Shampoo: Ooohhh! Funnytalk Fanboys make Shampoo's head hurt!
Mousse: Clearly the sign of western and capitalist oppressors.
Gary: Say What?
Mousse: (brandishes little red book) It is the opinion of the esteemed chairman that elaborate language is a weapon of class warfare, a means by which the parasites of society, namely you, trample down the honest and hardworking proletariat, as exemplified by the lovely Xian Pu here.
Shampoo: What Mousse call Shampoo???
Numbski: Villain! Shall I in mine own establishment, suffer not only my friends and patrons, but my servants to be so insulted!!
Mousse: See now how you feel compelled to squash my right to communicate openly, because your capitalist system of near feudal ownership cannot abide open criticism.
Shampoo: Stupid Mousse! Mao-talk least as stupid as Spearshake-talk!
Jim: We shall not sit still for such infamy! Brothers to arms!
Mousse: Now we see the violence inherent in the system...
(Mousse, so intent on making his point, fails to engage his weapons in time and in the rush of the three knights, loses his glasses as he's pinned to the floor.)
Mousse: Help! Help! I'm being Oppressed!
(Shampoo takes flowers out of an adjacent table vase and splashes Mousse with water. The knights jump back as he transforms, so Shampoo jumps in and grabs Mousse-duck by the neck.)
Shampoo: Special Tonight, Peking 'Pressed Duck! Funnytalk fanboys wait till Shampoo come back from kitchen. (exits)
Kuno: Mayhap we should leave this place. We must be off on our quest.
Gary & Jim: Right. (as the knights are about to leave, an old crone (Cologne) walks in the doorway)
Numbski: Greetings, good woman.
Cologne: Greetings, Sir Numbski. As representative of CologneCo International, which owns this establishment and all in it, I congratulate you on standing firm against the vicious and clever forces of the Maoist conspiracy.
(Desperate quacking noises are heard from the kitchen)
Numbski: Why thank you.
Cologne: I'm also here to inform you that, in accordance with CologneCo International's new policies, all unessential workers at this establishment are hereby downsized.
Numbski: Unessential workers? Who...
Cologne: However in the spirit of fairness we will allow you to stay on at the rate of four dollars per day. You will have to work harder, however, and pay for any food you eat, and...
Numbski: Quest? Good sirs, spoke you of a quest? 'Tis my duty as a knight of the realm to accompany my brother knights! The food sucketh today anyhow...
(knights exit; another jump cut to another outdoor scene)
Gary: Maybe we shouldn't go to FFML. 'Tis a silly place.
Kuno: Look!
Jim: The FFML! Our quest is at an end! Oh lord, we thank thee...
Mailer-daemon: Ah hah! Not so fast, fanfiction-writing-types!
Jim: How dare you defile this place with your presence, foul deamon!
Mailer-daemon: It's spelled "daemon", you big jerk! Shishi Can-O'Spam!!!
(Jim and his entourage get buried under a torrent of pork luncheon meat. Will they dig themselves out? Tune in tomorrow...)
[Part 2]
Authors: Gary Kleppe, Jim Nutley, and "Numbski" Shadwick.
Kuno: We're being buried alive in spam.
Jim: My dear Kuno, is this so different a fate as the FFML itself?
Kuno: Was that a ki-based attack?
Gary: No, a key-based attack. You know, the little key that you use to open the can...
Kuno: That foul daemon! We must smite thee, Mailer-Daemon!
(The three hear a noise coming from outside their buriment. After they had listened closely, they could finally make out was being said.)
Numbski: MMMMM.......spam.......
(The four wandered along for many long hours, composing senseless fanfic dialog unworthy of documentation. Out of nowhere the three encountered what appeared to be an exit ramp. There was a sign that said:
YOU ARE NOW LEAVING THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY)
Jim: Look! Hence is the FFML! We've made it.
Numbski: Uh, Jimbo?
Jim: What is it fair Numbskull?
Kuno: It lies off the Information Superhighway.
Gary: Now what shall be done about FFML, tis the end of our merriment?
Kuno: Ne, cannot be! We must rescue it!
(The four argue about what should be done while the FFML is off the internet, not noticing that in the background, two figures are fighting.)
Mailer-Daemon: Ah, I must resupply myself with spam! The usual morons aren't submitting anymore now that the blasted FFML is down!
(Editorial note: This took place back when the FFML was down.)
P-chan: BWEE!
Daemon: I must have pork! It is the prime ingredient in my luncheon mayhem!
P-chan: BWEE!
Daemon: Don't you ever say anything else?
P-chan: Screw you!
Daemon: Huh?
P-chan: I'm sick and tired of the sweet and innocent act you moron! No one ever said I couldn't become homicidal! Shichihahoudan!
(And thus, the Mailer Daemon was destroyed. However, P-chan wasn't made to handle such a blast. So, the four merry fanfic authors had roast pork for lunch, and all was well. Spam would continue to flow freely through the land. )
Gary: Um, I hate to contradict an omniscient narrator, but this one little pig ain't gonna feed the 200 or so FFML people.
(I thought we'd use it to make Spam. Have you any idea how little meat they put in that stuff?)
Gary: OK, but even so...
Jim: There is only one answer. We must track down a new source of Spam. Knights, let us ride to Spamalot!
(Music starts, then abruptly dies)
Jim: On second thought, let's not go to Spamalot. It is a silly place.
Gary: I think I already used that line. What do we do now?
Numbski: Wait for a vision from the Lord.
Gary, Jim: Oh, yeah.
(More to come...)
[Part 3]
Authors: Gary Kleppe, Jim Nutley, and "Numbski" Shadwick.
When we last left our Knights of Spamalot, they were waiting for a vision from the Lord.
(The sky opens and the face of Rumiko Takahashi appears. The authors grovel.)
RT: Oh, don't grovel! I hate it when people grovel!
Jim: Sorry!
RT: And don't apologize!
Jim: Sorry!
Gary: Please don't sue us for copyright infringement!
RT: Right. You knights shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
Numbski: Good idea!
RT: Of course it's a good idea! Behold. (An image forms in the sky, looking like a Jusenkyo pool.) This is the Nannichuan. This is your quest, to seek the Nannichuan.
Gary: (From out of shot, as the view shows only RT) Uh, excuse me, but why do we need the Nannichuan if we're not cursed?
(A Blooosh is heard. From the authors, out of shot, we now hear various bwee bwee, kwak kwak, and myew myew sounds.)
RT: (giggle)
One of the authors (we can't tell which, because they are still out of shot and the new voice is female): You just had to ask, didn't you!?! (Scene fades)
Being cursed by the Jusenkyo waters took the authors completely by surprise. The authors consulted with each other and decided that they would split up. Seperately, they thought, they would have the best chance of finding the holy Nannichuan. This would
(An unidentified FFML author rides across the set on a horse, stabbing the prose narrator.)
Unidentified Author: This is Script Format, dammit!
Narrator: ... Ugh ...
GARY'S TALE
(The scene opens on a tall dingy building in a dark swamp. Inside, Ranma Saotome is on the top floor, being addressed by his father.)
Genma: You're marrying Akane, and that's that!
Ranma: Forget it, old man!
Genma: Foolish girl!
Ranma: Boy.
Genma: Foolish boy! Her father owns the finest dojo in all of Nerima!
Ranma: I don't want her stupid dojo! Anyway, I don't like her!
Genma: Ungrateful child! What's wrong with her?!? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got HUGE... martial arts facilities, ...
Ranma: No way, y'old fart.
(Genma leaves, locking the door from the inside.)
Ranma: I gotta get out... hey, I hear someone outside. maybe they'll let me out. Gotta get their attention... but how?
(Cut to outside. Gary and Kuno are making their way through the swamp.)
Gary: You're sure it's safe to step here?
Kuno: Certainly so.
(Ranma's voice can be heard in the background. "Yo! Up here!" etc. Nobody else pays any attention.)
Gary: You step there first. I'm not taking a chance on getting wet again.
(Ranma bounces a small rock off Gary's head, but he seems not to notice.)
Kuno: Coward. Certainly you are not scared of the very ground you walk on?
(Kuno moves on. As Gary prepares to follow Kuno, water splashes on him from above. He turns to look.)
Ranma: Sorry about that, pal,... just tryin' to get your attention!
Gary: Bwee! Bwee!
(to be continued)...
[Part 4]
The Tail of Sir Jim
Authors: Gary Kleppe, Jim Nutley, and "Numbski" Shadwick.
(Sir Jim rides through misty spooky forest, Scary music all around. The music tells of some horror, getting closer, closer,...)
Knight of Nee: (Jumps out from behind a tree) NEE!
Sir Jim: NOT YET! We're all back together for YOUR scene!
Knight of Nee: What? I was sure... (pulls out script, leafs through) Oh, there it is. You're quite right, so sorry. (fades back into woods)
Sir Jim: Siiigh!
(Sir Jim rides through misty spooky forest, Scary music all around. Suddenly out of the mist, an ancient castle, and above it, a wondrous floating vision. It is the cursed spring! And then it fades away. Sir Jim presses his horse in that direction. He leaves his horse outside. He enters the darkened gate. He turns the corner and ...)
Sailor Jupiter (in black leather and chains, chewing gum): (grabs Sir Jim by the collar and slams him up against the wall) We is da 12 Virgins of Metallica. You have entered our pad, ... uh, castle.
Sir Jim: Fear not, fair Damsel, I mean no harm to thee. I seek the Holy Cursed Spring, which appeared in a vision to me above thy ...
Sailor Jupiter: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT Already! Don be tryin ta fool us ya Hentai, we got da word on ya. (snaps her fingers)
Sailor Venus: (in black leather and chains, as are all the Virgins of Metallica) (hands envelope to Sailor Jupiter, a pink envelope with an SD Urd emblazoned on the seal, written on it are the words: RE: "Plague of Skulds: Skuld spanks Urd" )
Sailor Jupiter: Seems a reliable source says: dis Nutley fanfic author guy's gotta serious spanking fetish. Well, me an da girls, we figua, whatever makes ya happy ya know....
Sir Jim: Are you suggesting.....?
Sailor Jupiter: Ain't suggesting nothin. We decided, ...Ya can spank us. And ta give ya some incentive, we gave our panties to da little guy there...
(cut to Happosai, fingering 12 sets of unmentionables)
(cut back to Sailor Jupiter and Jim)
Sir Jim: (eyes getting big, nose starting to bleed,...) You did? I can?
Sailor Jupiter: Ya got it toots, and we're all wearin skirts, as ya are seein.
Sir Jim: Well, ...a... I suppose I could ...um... pause long enough to refresh.. .um..
Sailor Jupiter: There's just one thing.
Sir Jim: *Uh Oh.*
Sailor Jupiter: In dis castle ya have ta take what ya want. Ya only get ta spank us if we don't spank ya first.
(The 12 virgins of Metallica are: Sailor's Jupiter, Venus, and Mars; A-KO; B-KO; Nuku Nuku; Miyu-hina; Shiga Azusa (Laughing Target); Cutie Honey; Iria; and by special dispensation Assigari Priss and Armitage Naomi )
Sir Jim: Um, ...Um... (leafs through script) Ah Ha! it reads here and I quote at that moment Sir Numbski crashes through the door and saves Sir Jim, informing him that the test is too perilous and they must flee, despite Sir Jim's heartfelt protest So, ....eh, Sir Numbski? ...That's your cue Sir Numbski..."
(deafening silence)
Sailor Jupiter: (blows bubble, pops it inches from Jims face)
(Cut to outside of the castle. We'd describe the sounds of Sir Jim being tortured to you, but it's just too horrible for text. Fade to next tail, I mean tale.)
[Part 5]
Authors: Gary Kleppe, Jim Nutley, and "Numbski" Shadwick.
The tale of Numbski
Numbski-chan: Stupid curse....stupid...
(Out of nowhere, another unidentified FFMLer appears...)
Unidentified FFMLer: That's script format dammit! Stop it or die!!!
Numbski-chan: What on earth are you talki...
Unidentified FFMLer: Stop I say!
Numbski-chan: Why me? All I want is the holy nannichuan, I have no business with you!
Unidentified FFMLer: I say stop! Or you shall feel the outward point of my blade!
Numbski-chan: Wait a minute, it's you??!! I didn't know you had that much of a problem with script! I only started that string of spam to avoid sending another test message!
Unidentified FFMLer: Too late, however I will not stop until all script format is vanquished from this world! ha ha ha
(A Panda steps out in front of the scene and holds out a sign. The sign reads: "The authors of this spamfic wish to make the following disclaimer: Any references herein to actual fanfiction authors is intended solely for humorous effect. These references are not intended to represent actual characterizations of said authors." The Panda runs away as he is chased by several hunters with shotguns.)
(As the unidentified FFMLer continues his maniacal laughter in deep echo, he fails to notice a figure swinging out of nowhere.)
Figure: How many times do I have to beat the tar out of you to make you listen?
Numbski-chan: That voice...that's..
Figure: Merely a humble knight at your service, putting his sword in the right place!
Numbski-chan: Whew! I thought I was a goner! I don't feel so bad about sending that test message now.
Figure: (Turns and puts his sword to Numbski-chan's neck) You sent a test message?!?!?
Numbski-chan: No! No! I was only kidding!
The Unidentified FFMLer takes a swing at the figure. The two continue to fight as Numbski-chan manages to make a strategic exit.
*******
"Man this sucks." Numbski-chan couldn't hold back any longer. She gave into the temptation. She started to use prose format.
"That wasn't what I meant you moron!" Numbski-chan seemed a bit irritated.
"You're right...I am irritated! When are you going to write some hot water into this story to let me change back!" Numbski-chan fumed.
"Cut that out!" She screamed.
"That's it" Numbski-chan leaped at the narrator and began to strangle hack..him...gasp
Magically, a kettle of hot water appeared over Numbski-chan's head. Instant Numbski.
"Thank you." Numbski could hardly contain the evil grin on his countenance.
"Yarrrrrrgggghhhh!"
"Huh?" Numbski heard some erotic screams of torture coming from a castle on the horizon. He pulled out his script and began to scan over it. "Geez, that's what I get for knocking the narrator back into line." Numbski cupped his hands and screamed: "Sorry Jimbo!"
"But let that be a lesson unto you, FFMLers. When thou goest to spanketh the virgin, beware, lest the virgin spanketh you!"
Suddenly, another knight rode across the screen, er, I mean across the countryside, headed for the castle. Numbski recognized the knight as Sir Jon of Farber. "Going to save Sir Jim?" Numbski asked.
"Uh... yeah! That's the ticket! Here I come, girls!" cried the new knight in passing.
Numbski shrugged his shoulders and decided it was time that he made his way to mainland China.
[Part 6]
Authors: Gary Kleppe, Jim Nutley, and "Numbski" Shadwick
The Tale of Sir Gary (cont.)
(Ranma looks down out of the tallest window of Swamp Dojo, at P-Gary. Sir Kuno is momentarily out of shot.)
Ranma: So d'you think you could, like, get me out of here?
P-Gary: Ernk! Bu-kee!
Sir Kuno: Fear not, I have returned forthwith with a kettle of hot water. (pour)
Gary: Much better.
Ranma: Hooray. Now if you don't mind...
Kuno: What transpires here?
Gary: A little matter of a father forcing a marriage against his child's will, with the child not liking it all that much.
Ranma: Hey, I ain't told you that yet.
Kuno: What?!? A damsel in distress? A call to action! Fear not, fair one, for I, Sir Kuno of Spamalot shall save thee!
Gary: Uh oh...
(We see two sentries on guard outside the dojo; they don't seem to be all that attentive. The scene cuts back to Sir Kuno, who is running toward the dojo dramatically. The two scenes are then repeated. Then they are repeated again except we see Gary sneaking in through the door. Then we see the guards again as Kuno runs up and knocks one out with his bokken. The other guard lets out a belated "hey!" after Kuno has run inside.)
(Scene switches to inside. A crowd of men are fawning over Princess Akane, as Sir Gary rushes in.)
Gary: Uh... yeah that's it. Hey you guys! There's been a change of plans! There's gonna be a giant free-for-all. Whichever of you is the strongest in combat gets to marry the princess!
(The men continue about their business)
Gary: Um... starting now!
(The men start a general free-for-all. Princess Akane gets pissed and knocks out all of the men herself. She is about to turn to Sir Gary when we pan up and see two servant women on a higher ledge.)
S.W. #1: Careful! You just spilled your cleaning water! There are people down there!
S.W. #2: Sorry.
(Pan back down to P-Gary, and Akane who has just beaten all the men senseless.)
Akane: Oh, how CUTE!!
(Akane is about to snuggle P-Gary when Sir Kuno bursts in. He notices the pile of unconscious men.)
Kuno: (to unconscious men) Next time I shall not be so lenient. (to Akane) Fair one, I have come to rescue you!
Akane: (irritated) Excuse me?
Kuno: Let us be off, for I would date with you!
(Kuno quickly picks up Akane and runs out the door, knocking down one of the sentries as he exits. Genma sees him and runs after him, leaving footprints on the sentry's back. He tries to get up, but P-Gary knocks him down again. He then manages to get up.)
Sentry: ...hey! (collapses)
(From upstairs, the voice of Ranma is heard:)
Ranma: Yo, down there! Could I get a glass of water or somethin'? ... Where'd everybody go?
(Later, we see Sirs Gary and Kuno walking down a road. We zoom in closer and notice that their faces are badly bruised.)
Kuno: Ah, the sweet nectar of love...
Gary: Jerk. It was your fault, why'd she have to hit me?
Kuno: I am truly a man of action.
Gary: You are truly a jerk. Next time leave the action to me, OK?
(They come into a crowd of people.)
Man: We've found a witch! May we burn her?
(We pan over and see that Kodachi is the alleged witch. The man runs up to Sir Gary.)
Man: I have heard tales of one called Sir Gary the Wise. Are you he?
Gary: That title is Sir Gary the Wise Guy, I'll have you know.
Man: We humble folk are in need of your assistance. Please tell us how to tell whether the maiden yonder is a witch or not.
Kodachi (looks at Gary): Hello there, handsome. (Gary looks somewhat nervous)
Gary: Hmm... in theory one could perform a spectrographic Fourier analysis of, uh, the dianetic Felgercarb radiation emitting from the lower Alpha section of the subject's brain. This, combined with an apeptotropic numerical simulation based on chaos theory, taking into account the nonlinear warping of space-time due to cosmological variations in the gravitational quantum field...
Kodachi: I've got a better idea. I'll cast a spell to turn everyone in this crowd permanently into frogs, snails, and other sorts of vermin. If it works, you'll know I'm a witch. How about it?
Crowd: Frogs... snails... the heck with it, why don't we just forget the whole thing. No sense taking a chance... (etc.)
(Kodachi is released; the crowd disperses; she glomps onto Gary, whose nose is on the verge of bleeding)
Kodachi: My rescuer!
Gary: Uh... we've just met... um... that is...
Kodachi: Feel the power of my witchcraft, darling!
(Kodachi produces a bouquet of black flowers from under her tight leotard. Gary looks at them a second, then they suddenly explode in a cloud of gas.)
Gary: I cn't mv! Hlp me!
Kodachi: Never fear darling, I can move well enough for the both of us. Mister Turtle needs his sustenance! (She picks him up. Sir Kuno just stands there.)
Kuno: I shall, as you requested, leave the action to you.
Gary: Jrk! Jrk!
[Part 7]
The Tale of Sir(?) Numbski (cont.)
The last time we saw our budding hero, he was running tail tucked away from the castle belonging to the 12 girls of Metallica, leaving Sir Jim to enjoy every moment of it.
Numbski now had now wandered toward a chasm of deep proportions. After wondering how on earth he would cross it, he had found a bridge with an old man standing at the entrance to the bridge.
"Good afternoon, do you know where this bridge leads?" Numbski asked the old man in hopes of getting some affirmation as to his destination.
"Yes, this old bridge leads to the holy land of Nerima. A very fabled land of magic and lore." The old man coughed out as Numbski drew closer to the edge.
"Thank you kind sir, I shall be going now." Numbski stepped onto the bridge to cross. He was stopped short by the old man who now stood in front of him on the bridge. Numbski was startled and jumped back nearly ten feet in shock.
"How did you??" Numbski looked nearly incredulous, however he began to walk forward again, but the old man held out his hand and motioned him to stop.
"You must answer me three questions before you are allowed to pass" The old man sternly looked at Numbski, who was very shocked at this old man, who seemed to have power simply radiating from him. "I am the keeper of this bridge, and it is my only livelihood."
"Um okay, what would you like to know?"
"What is your name?"
"Numbski" Where have I seen this before?
"What is your quest?"
"I seek the holy nannichuan" This guy is starting to remind me of someone on FFML!
"What is your gender?"
Just then clouds began to form over the area Numbski was standing, as if on cue. Numbski was visibly shaking, not knowing the consequences of a wrong answer. He thought it over, and then spoke.
"I am male." Just then the heavens opened up and poored down rain. Of course now Numbski-chan was looking up at an old man who couldn't contain his delight.
"You lie! Master, come deal with this miscreant!" The old man motioned, then suddenly from the direction of the castle Numbski had just fled, came a 3 foot tall figure that attatched itself FIRMLY to Numbski-chan's chest.
*******
Up in the heavens sat the ever holy Lord, Rumiko Takahashi.
"I am bored fellow seraphim, I need amusement. How go the quests of our 4 sucker...I mean followers?"
The clouds parted and RT was able to see Numbski standing before an old man answering questions.
"What is your gender?" She heard the old man speak. With a giggle, she quickly formed clouds directly of Numbski-chan's head.
"This oughtta be fun!" RT let out an earth pounding giggle as she grabbed Happosai from his panty-fondling frenzy and tossed him toward the bridge.
*******
"Get offa me you old letch!" Numbski-chan was getting quite PO'ed at this point. She wasn't going to stand for this much longer. Looking for a way out, she charged the old man on the bridge.
"I know you are from the FFML! How dare you prevent me from reaching the holy nannichuan! I have seen you. You have been asking these stupid questions to everyone. Remember Shampoo? I could let her know that you called her Pantene again..." Despite the lech attatched to her chest, Numbski-chan managed an evil grin at the thought of Shampoo hurting the old geezer.
"No! No!" The old man stepped aside.
Now how the heck do I get this old lech offa me? The ground shook with laughter from above. Another evil thought came to Numbski-chan.
"Hey lech? You wanna see the biggest bazoombas you've ever seen in your dreams?" Numbski-chan forced a super-cute smile out.
"Where!" The old lech was drooling onto Numbski-chan's shirt.
"Right up there!" The clouds had parted and RT was completely visible laughing heartily. With one last drool, the lech launched himself into LEO (lower earth orbit).
Numbski-chan continued on his quest, undaunted, cursing his curse. He crossed the bridge into the holy land of Nerima, hoping to find the answer to his questions there.
[Part 9]
[No, you didn't miss part 8. There never was a part 8. Trust me on this one, okay?]
(Scene: A beautifully mountainous area. The knights are trudging along when they spot a woman in a tiger-striped bikini flying in the distance.)
Jim: Look there! It is the woman that the old man in scene 24 told of!
Gary: Scene 24?
(The screen ripples as we start to go to a flashback.)
Gary: Oh yeah...
(FLASHBACK: The three knights are speaking to a short, bald, dour-looking man.)
Man: You may call me Cherry.
Gary: Hey, great! My favorite flavor!
Jim: Shh! This man has great wisdom. He will answer one question for us. Ask him the question, good Sir Numbski.
Numbski: Very well. Sir, what is the best format for fanfiction?
Jim: Idiot! You were supposed to ask how we could find the holy nannichuan!
Numbski: Sorry!
Cherry: The best format for fanfiction?
Knights: Yes?
Cherry: Doujinshi.
Knights: D'Oh! (They all fall off their feet)
Cherry: Anyone not doing doujinshi is not using the best possible format. Crank up those paint & print programs, kiddies! Otherwise just deal with the fact that you're not using the best format.
Knights: Who has time for that?!?!?
(The knights punt him into low orbit. END FLASHBACK.)
Numbski: So he didn't tell us about this woman?
Jim: Well, he would have if you hadn't screwed up!
(Woman flies down.)
Kuno: Who are you who flies through the air without wings or jet propulsion system?
Woman: There are some who call me... Lum.
Gary: Greetings, oh Lum.
Woman: Greetings, fair knights. Which of you is the King?
Knights: (pointing to one another) He is!
Gary: I thought you were the King!
Jim: No, Numbski's the King.
Numbski: I'm not, Gary is!
Kuno: I shall be the King.
Gary: In yer dreams, pal!
(Lum zaps the knights with an electrical blast. They collapse in a heap on the ground.)
Lum: Do you lot want to know how to find this spring or not?!?
Gary: The what?
Numbski: The spring, oh yeah. We do, actually.
Lum: Travel north exactly two miles. There you will find an underground room. If you can defeat the guardian to gain entrance, you will find the clue you need. Bye bye!
(Lum flies off. The knights walk north to discover... Furinkan high.)
Jim: This... is where the clue is?
Kuno: The mind boggles.
(They enter. We see them going downstairs.)
Gary: Exactly two miles north and underground would put us right here.
(A sign says Girls' Locker Room.)
Numbski: She's gotta be kidding!
(A young Ms. Hinako blocks the doorway.)
Hinako: You naughty boys can't come in here!
Jim: Stand aside, good lady.
Gary: This is the guardian?? What does she do, kill you with cuteness?
(Hinako does her drain attack on the knights. They collapse into a heap again.)
Gary: ...Cute... very cute.
Jim: Help me up.
Gary: Time for plan B. Who has the sex-changing curse?
(All look at Numbski)
Numbski: Oh, no. No no no. You can't make me, you can't make me!
(Scene fades out to sound of water splooshing...)
Ye Stars (who are also Ye Writers, with one obvious exception):
(In Alphabetical order)
Sir Gary Kleppe, champion of the poor and oppressed, spouter of irrelevancies.
Sir Jim Nutley, defender of the realm, humble ranter of class the first.
Sir Numbski Shadwick, noble knight and part time restaurateur on his days off.
Sir Tatewaki Kuno(u), comic relief.
(Our story opens with Sir Gary and Sir Kuno. Sir Jim enters.)
Jim: What ho! I bring grave news. The castle FFML has fallen to the evil power of the mailer-daemon. I will ride forth to put right to this travesty! I seek the finest and bravest of knights to join me in my quest. But you two will have to do.
Gary: Hooray! We ride! Absolutely! Um... where to?
Kuno: To the FFML, as he just finished saying, you silly person.
Gary: Oh, yeah, obviously. But how do we get there?
Jim: Dost thou not possess the noble title of FFML cartographer?
Gary: Oh yeah. But that map only covers the FFML. To get to the FFML is a whole 'nother ball of wax.
All: Hmmm...
(jump cut, scene changes to outdoors)
Kuno: Pardon me, I shall consult with yon local folk. Friends, wither FFML?
Man: This here ain't Tokyo, y'know. Y'all gotta go five hundred miles south from here.
Kuno: Verily, whom do I look like? Sir Hibiki?
Gary: Darn it! I knew we should've turned left at Albuquerque!
Jim: Perhaps at yon local dining establishment we may acquire better directions.
(They enter. The sign on the door says "Nekohanten
(http://www.greenville.edu/~ashadwic/ranma)")
[EDITORIAL NOTE: This address is no longer valid. Numbski's page, including the Nekohanten, went down a while back and we haven't heard from him since.]
Gary: Hey, how come I don't get a plug for *my* web page in this?
Kuno: It's in your .sig, fool!
(They enter, the camera cuts to the inside of the Nekohanten where a young man in a white Chinese gown and thick glasses bows to the readers)
Mousse: The writers of this fanfic wish to point out that this is a parody, and that the views or actions that I or any character may express do NOT necessarily represent our 'real' or IC views or activities, or the activities of the actual copyright holding authors or the fanfic authors themselves. Most especially with respect to this. (Mousse indicates the little red book he is holding.)
(Pan to a table. The knights are seated. The manager, Sir Numbski, addresses the other knights. The waitress, Shampoo, smiles cutely. Mousse seats himself at an adjacent table)
Numbski: Ho, good sirs. Here can one partake of vast quantities of spam, as well as the occasional fanfic. It is a place for discussions of all matters of worldly import.
Gary: Can we just eat, or something?
Jim: Yes, let us order. Ho, good waitress!
Shampoo: Shampoo is not a 'ho!
Jim: Pray waitress, I merely wish thou to take our order!
Shampoo: Why tincan gymclothes fanboys pray Shampoo? Shampoo no got facemarks!
Jim: Nay, goodwoman, we seek to summon our repast.
Shampoo: Tincan gymclothes fanboys want past that past again come back???
Jim: Alas, surely I have spoken poorly to thee fair maiden, but come. We valiant knights, in quest the FFML to rescue, doth crave some sustenance.
Shampoo: Ooohhh! Funnytalk Fanboys make Shampoo's head hurt!
Mousse: Clearly the sign of western and capitalist oppressors.
Gary: Say What?
Mousse: (brandishes little red book) It is the opinion of the esteemed chairman that elaborate language is a weapon of class warfare, a means by which the parasites of society, namely you, trample down the honest and hardworking proletariat, as exemplified by the lovely Xian Pu here.
Shampoo: What Mousse call Shampoo???
Numbski: Villain! Shall I in mine own establishment, suffer not only my friends and patrons, but my servants to be so insulted!!
Mousse: See now how you feel compelled to squash my right to communicate openly, because your capitalist system of near feudal ownership cannot abide open criticism.
Shampoo: Stupid Mousse! Mao-talk least as stupid as Spearshake-talk!
Jim: We shall not sit still for such infamy! Brothers to arms!
Mousse: Now we see the violence inherent in the system...
(Mousse, so intent on making his point, fails to engage his weapons in time and in the rush of the three knights, loses his glasses as he's pinned to the floor.)
Mousse: Help! Help! I'm being Oppressed!
(Shampoo takes flowers out of an adjacent table vase and splashes Mousse with water. The knights jump back as he transforms, so Shampoo jumps in and grabs Mousse-duck by the neck.)
Shampoo: Special Tonight, Peking 'Pressed Duck! Funnytalk fanboys wait till Shampoo come back from kitchen. (exits)
Kuno: Mayhap we should leave this place. We must be off on our quest.
Gary & Jim: Right. (as the knights are about to leave, an old crone (Cologne) walks in the doorway)
Numbski: Greetings, good woman.
Cologne: Greetings, Sir Numbski. As representative of CologneCo International, which owns this establishment and all in it, I congratulate you on standing firm against the vicious and clever forces of the Maoist conspiracy.
(Desperate quacking noises are heard from the kitchen)
Numbski: Why thank you.
Cologne: I'm also here to inform you that, in accordance with CologneCo International's new policies, all unessential workers at this establishment are hereby downsized.
Numbski: Unessential workers? Who...
Cologne: However in the spirit of fairness we will allow you to stay on at the rate of four dollars per day. You will have to work harder, however, and pay for any food you eat, and...
Numbski: Quest? Good sirs, spoke you of a quest? 'Tis my duty as a knight of the realm to accompany my brother knights! The food sucketh today anyhow...
(knights exit; another jump cut to another outdoor scene)
Gary: Maybe we shouldn't go to FFML. 'Tis a silly place.
Kuno: Look!
Jim: The FFML! Our quest is at an end! Oh lord, we thank thee...
Mailer-daemon: Ah hah! Not so fast, fanfiction-writing-types!
Jim: How dare you defile this place with your presence, foul deamon!
Mailer-daemon: It's spelled "daemon", you big jerk! Shishi Can-O'Spam!!!
(Jim and his entourage get buried under a torrent of pork luncheon meat. Will they dig themselves out? Tune in tomorrow...)
[Part 2]
Authors: Gary Kleppe, Jim Nutley, and "Numbski" Shadwick.
Kuno: We're being buried alive in spam.
Jim: My dear Kuno, is this so different a fate as the FFML itself?
Kuno: Was that a ki-based attack?
Gary: No, a key-based attack. You know, the little key that you use to open the can...
Kuno: That foul daemon! We must smite thee, Mailer-Daemon!
(The three hear a noise coming from outside their buriment. After they had listened closely, they could finally make out was being said.)
Numbski: MMMMM.......spam.......
(The four wandered along for many long hours, composing senseless fanfic dialog unworthy of documentation. Out of nowhere the three encountered what appeared to be an exit ramp. There was a sign that said:
YOU ARE NOW LEAVING THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY)
Jim: Look! Hence is the FFML! We've made it.
Numbski: Uh, Jimbo?
Jim: What is it fair Numbskull?
Kuno: It lies off the Information Superhighway.
Gary: Now what shall be done about FFML, tis the end of our merriment?
Kuno: Ne, cannot be! We must rescue it!
(The four argue about what should be done while the FFML is off the internet, not noticing that in the background, two figures are fighting.)
Mailer-Daemon: Ah, I must resupply myself with spam! The usual morons aren't submitting anymore now that the blasted FFML is down!
(Editorial note: This took place back when the FFML was down.)
P-chan: BWEE!
Daemon: I must have pork! It is the prime ingredient in my luncheon mayhem!
P-chan: BWEE!
Daemon: Don't you ever say anything else?
P-chan: Screw you!
Daemon: Huh?
P-chan: I'm sick and tired of the sweet and innocent act you moron! No one ever said I couldn't become homicidal! Shichihahoudan!
(And thus, the Mailer Daemon was destroyed. However, P-chan wasn't made to handle such a blast. So, the four merry fanfic authors had roast pork for lunch, and all was well. Spam would continue to flow freely through the land. )
Gary: Um, I hate to contradict an omniscient narrator, but this one little pig ain't gonna feed the 200 or so FFML people.
(I thought we'd use it to make Spam. Have you any idea how little meat they put in that stuff?)
Gary: OK, but even so...
Jim: There is only one answer. We must track down a new source of Spam. Knights, let us ride to Spamalot!
(Music starts, then abruptly dies)
Jim: On second thought, let's not go to Spamalot. It is a silly place.
Gary: I think I already used that line. What do we do now?
Numbski: Wait for a vision from the Lord.
Gary, Jim: Oh, yeah.
(More to come...)
[Part 3]
Authors: Gary Kleppe, Jim Nutley, and "Numbski" Shadwick.
When we last left our Knights of Spamalot, they were waiting for a vision from the Lord.
(The sky opens and the face of Rumiko Takahashi appears. The authors grovel.)
RT: Oh, don't grovel! I hate it when people grovel!
Jim: Sorry!
RT: And don't apologize!
Jim: Sorry!
Gary: Please don't sue us for copyright infringement!
RT: Right. You knights shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
Numbski: Good idea!
RT: Of course it's a good idea! Behold. (An image forms in the sky, looking like a Jusenkyo pool.) This is the Nannichuan. This is your quest, to seek the Nannichuan.
Gary: (From out of shot, as the view shows only RT) Uh, excuse me, but why do we need the Nannichuan if we're not cursed?
(A Blooosh is heard. From the authors, out of shot, we now hear various bwee bwee, kwak kwak, and myew myew sounds.)
RT: (giggle)
One of the authors (we can't tell which, because they are still out of shot and the new voice is female): You just had to ask, didn't you!?! (Scene fades)
Being cursed by the Jusenkyo waters took the authors completely by surprise. The authors consulted with each other and decided that they would split up. Seperately, they thought, they would have the best chance of finding the holy Nannichuan. This would
(An unidentified FFML author rides across the set on a horse, stabbing the prose narrator.)
Unidentified Author: This is Script Format, dammit!
Narrator: ... Ugh ...
GARY'S TALE
(The scene opens on a tall dingy building in a dark swamp. Inside, Ranma Saotome is on the top floor, being addressed by his father.)
Genma: You're marrying Akane, and that's that!
Ranma: Forget it, old man!
Genma: Foolish girl!
Ranma: Boy.
Genma: Foolish boy! Her father owns the finest dojo in all of Nerima!
Ranma: I don't want her stupid dojo! Anyway, I don't like her!
Genma: Ungrateful child! What's wrong with her?!? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got HUGE... martial arts facilities, ...
Ranma: No way, y'old fart.
(Genma leaves, locking the door from the inside.)
Ranma: I gotta get out... hey, I hear someone outside. maybe they'll let me out. Gotta get their attention... but how?
(Cut to outside. Gary and Kuno are making their way through the swamp.)
Gary: You're sure it's safe to step here?
Kuno: Certainly so.
(Ranma's voice can be heard in the background. "Yo! Up here!" etc. Nobody else pays any attention.)
Gary: You step there first. I'm not taking a chance on getting wet again.
(Ranma bounces a small rock off Gary's head, but he seems not to notice.)
Kuno: Coward. Certainly you are not scared of the very ground you walk on?
(Kuno moves on. As Gary prepares to follow Kuno, water splashes on him from above. He turns to look.)
Ranma: Sorry about that, pal,... just tryin' to get your attention!
Gary: Bwee! Bwee!
(to be continued)...
[Part 4]
The Tail of Sir Jim
Authors: Gary Kleppe, Jim Nutley, and "Numbski" Shadwick.
(Sir Jim rides through misty spooky forest, Scary music all around. The music tells of some horror, getting closer, closer,...)
Knight of Nee: (Jumps out from behind a tree) NEE!
Sir Jim: NOT YET! We're all back together for YOUR scene!
Knight of Nee: What? I was sure... (pulls out script, leafs through) Oh, there it is. You're quite right, so sorry. (fades back into woods)
Sir Jim: Siiigh!
(Sir Jim rides through misty spooky forest, Scary music all around. Suddenly out of the mist, an ancient castle, and above it, a wondrous floating vision. It is the cursed spring! And then it fades away. Sir Jim presses his horse in that direction. He leaves his horse outside. He enters the darkened gate. He turns the corner and ...)
Sailor Jupiter (in black leather and chains, chewing gum): (grabs Sir Jim by the collar and slams him up against the wall) We is da 12 Virgins of Metallica. You have entered our pad, ... uh, castle.
Sir Jim: Fear not, fair Damsel, I mean no harm to thee. I seek the Holy Cursed Spring, which appeared in a vision to me above thy ...
Sailor Jupiter: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT Already! Don be tryin ta fool us ya Hentai, we got da word on ya. (snaps her fingers)
Sailor Venus: (in black leather and chains, as are all the Virgins of Metallica) (hands envelope to Sailor Jupiter, a pink envelope with an SD Urd emblazoned on the seal, written on it are the words: RE: "Plague of Skulds: Skuld spanks Urd" )
Sailor Jupiter: Seems a reliable source says: dis Nutley fanfic author guy's gotta serious spanking fetish. Well, me an da girls, we figua, whatever makes ya happy ya know....
Sir Jim: Are you suggesting.....?
Sailor Jupiter: Ain't suggesting nothin. We decided, ...Ya can spank us. And ta give ya some incentive, we gave our panties to da little guy there...
(cut to Happosai, fingering 12 sets of unmentionables)
(cut back to Sailor Jupiter and Jim)
Sir Jim: (eyes getting big, nose starting to bleed,...) You did? I can?
Sailor Jupiter: Ya got it toots, and we're all wearin skirts, as ya are seein.
Sir Jim: Well, ...a... I suppose I could ...um... pause long enough to refresh.. .um..
Sailor Jupiter: There's just one thing.
Sir Jim: *Uh Oh.*
Sailor Jupiter: In dis castle ya have ta take what ya want. Ya only get ta spank us if we don't spank ya first.
(The 12 virgins of Metallica are: Sailor's Jupiter, Venus, and Mars; A-KO; B-KO; Nuku Nuku; Miyu-hina; Shiga Azusa (Laughing Target); Cutie Honey; Iria; and by special dispensation Assigari Priss and Armitage Naomi )
Sir Jim: Um, ...Um... (leafs through script) Ah Ha! it reads here and I quote at that moment Sir Numbski crashes through the door and saves Sir Jim, informing him that the test is too perilous and they must flee, despite Sir Jim's heartfelt protest So, ....eh, Sir Numbski? ...That's your cue Sir Numbski..."
(deafening silence)
Sailor Jupiter: (blows bubble, pops it inches from Jims face)
(Cut to outside of the castle. We'd describe the sounds of Sir Jim being tortured to you, but it's just too horrible for text. Fade to next tail, I mean tale.)
[Part 5]
Authors: Gary Kleppe, Jim Nutley, and "Numbski" Shadwick.
The tale of Numbski
Numbski-chan: Stupid curse....stupid...
(Out of nowhere, another unidentified FFMLer appears...)
Unidentified FFMLer: That's script format dammit! Stop it or die!!!
Numbski-chan: What on earth are you talki...
Unidentified FFMLer: Stop I say!
Numbski-chan: Why me? All I want is the holy nannichuan, I have no business with you!
Unidentified FFMLer: I say stop! Or you shall feel the outward point of my blade!
Numbski-chan: Wait a minute, it's you??!! I didn't know you had that much of a problem with script! I only started that string of spam to avoid sending another test message!
Unidentified FFMLer: Too late, however I will not stop until all script format is vanquished from this world! ha ha ha
(A Panda steps out in front of the scene and holds out a sign. The sign reads: "The authors of this spamfic wish to make the following disclaimer: Any references herein to actual fanfiction authors is intended solely for humorous effect. These references are not intended to represent actual characterizations of said authors." The Panda runs away as he is chased by several hunters with shotguns.)
(As the unidentified FFMLer continues his maniacal laughter in deep echo, he fails to notice a figure swinging out of nowhere.)
Figure: How many times do I have to beat the tar out of you to make you listen?
Numbski-chan: That voice...that's..
Figure: Merely a humble knight at your service, putting his sword in the right place!
Numbski-chan: Whew! I thought I was a goner! I don't feel so bad about sending that test message now.
Figure: (Turns and puts his sword to Numbski-chan's neck) You sent a test message?!?!?
Numbski-chan: No! No! I was only kidding!
The Unidentified FFMLer takes a swing at the figure. The two continue to fight as Numbski-chan manages to make a strategic exit.
*******
"Man this sucks." Numbski-chan couldn't hold back any longer. She gave into the temptation. She started to use prose format.
"That wasn't what I meant you moron!" Numbski-chan seemed a bit irritated.
"You're right...I am irritated! When are you going to write some hot water into this story to let me change back!" Numbski-chan fumed.
"Cut that out!" She screamed.
"That's it" Numbski-chan leaped at the narrator and began to strangle hack..him...gasp
Magically, a kettle of hot water appeared over Numbski-chan's head. Instant Numbski.
"Thank you." Numbski could hardly contain the evil grin on his countenance.
"Yarrrrrrgggghhhh!"
"Huh?" Numbski heard some erotic screams of torture coming from a castle on the horizon. He pulled out his script and began to scan over it. "Geez, that's what I get for knocking the narrator back into line." Numbski cupped his hands and screamed: "Sorry Jimbo!"
"But let that be a lesson unto you, FFMLers. When thou goest to spanketh the virgin, beware, lest the virgin spanketh you!"
Suddenly, another knight rode across the screen, er, I mean across the countryside, headed for the castle. Numbski recognized the knight as Sir Jon of Farber. "Going to save Sir Jim?" Numbski asked.
"Uh... yeah! That's the ticket! Here I come, girls!" cried the new knight in passing.
Numbski shrugged his shoulders and decided it was time that he made his way to mainland China.
[Part 6]
Authors: Gary Kleppe, Jim Nutley, and "Numbski" Shadwick
The Tale of Sir Gary (cont.)
(Ranma looks down out of the tallest window of Swamp Dojo, at P-Gary. Sir Kuno is momentarily out of shot.)
Ranma: So d'you think you could, like, get me out of here?
P-Gary: Ernk! Bu-kee!
Sir Kuno: Fear not, I have returned forthwith with a kettle of hot water. (pour)
Gary: Much better.
Ranma: Hooray. Now if you don't mind...
Kuno: What transpires here?
Gary: A little matter of a father forcing a marriage against his child's will, with the child not liking it all that much.
Ranma: Hey, I ain't told you that yet.
Kuno: What?!? A damsel in distress? A call to action! Fear not, fair one, for I, Sir Kuno of Spamalot shall save thee!
Gary: Uh oh...
(We see two sentries on guard outside the dojo; they don't seem to be all that attentive. The scene cuts back to Sir Kuno, who is running toward the dojo dramatically. The two scenes are then repeated. Then they are repeated again except we see Gary sneaking in through the door. Then we see the guards again as Kuno runs up and knocks one out with his bokken. The other guard lets out a belated "hey!" after Kuno has run inside.)
(Scene switches to inside. A crowd of men are fawning over Princess Akane, as Sir Gary rushes in.)
Gary: Uh... yeah that's it. Hey you guys! There's been a change of plans! There's gonna be a giant free-for-all. Whichever of you is the strongest in combat gets to marry the princess!
(The men continue about their business)
Gary: Um... starting now!
(The men start a general free-for-all. Princess Akane gets pissed and knocks out all of the men herself. She is about to turn to Sir Gary when we pan up and see two servant women on a higher ledge.)
S.W. #1: Careful! You just spilled your cleaning water! There are people down there!
S.W. #2: Sorry.
(Pan back down to P-Gary, and Akane who has just beaten all the men senseless.)
Akane: Oh, how CUTE!!
(Akane is about to snuggle P-Gary when Sir Kuno bursts in. He notices the pile of unconscious men.)
Kuno: (to unconscious men) Next time I shall not be so lenient. (to Akane) Fair one, I have come to rescue you!
Akane: (irritated) Excuse me?
Kuno: Let us be off, for I would date with you!
(Kuno quickly picks up Akane and runs out the door, knocking down one of the sentries as he exits. Genma sees him and runs after him, leaving footprints on the sentry's back. He tries to get up, but P-Gary knocks him down again. He then manages to get up.)
Sentry: ...hey! (collapses)
(From upstairs, the voice of Ranma is heard:)
Ranma: Yo, down there! Could I get a glass of water or somethin'? ... Where'd everybody go?
(Later, we see Sirs Gary and Kuno walking down a road. We zoom in closer and notice that their faces are badly bruised.)
Kuno: Ah, the sweet nectar of love...
Gary: Jerk. It was your fault, why'd she have to hit me?
Kuno: I am truly a man of action.
Gary: You are truly a jerk. Next time leave the action to me, OK?
(They come into a crowd of people.)
Man: We've found a witch! May we burn her?
(We pan over and see that Kodachi is the alleged witch. The man runs up to Sir Gary.)
Man: I have heard tales of one called Sir Gary the Wise. Are you he?
Gary: That title is Sir Gary the Wise Guy, I'll have you know.
Man: We humble folk are in need of your assistance. Please tell us how to tell whether the maiden yonder is a witch or not.
Kodachi (looks at Gary): Hello there, handsome. (Gary looks somewhat nervous)
Gary: Hmm... in theory one could perform a spectrographic Fourier analysis of, uh, the dianetic Felgercarb radiation emitting from the lower Alpha section of the subject's brain. This, combined with an apeptotropic numerical simulation based on chaos theory, taking into account the nonlinear warping of space-time due to cosmological variations in the gravitational quantum field...
Kodachi: I've got a better idea. I'll cast a spell to turn everyone in this crowd permanently into frogs, snails, and other sorts of vermin. If it works, you'll know I'm a witch. How about it?
Crowd: Frogs... snails... the heck with it, why don't we just forget the whole thing. No sense taking a chance... (etc.)
(Kodachi is released; the crowd disperses; she glomps onto Gary, whose nose is on the verge of bleeding)
Kodachi: My rescuer!
Gary: Uh... we've just met... um... that is...
Kodachi: Feel the power of my witchcraft, darling!
(Kodachi produces a bouquet of black flowers from under her tight leotard. Gary looks at them a second, then they suddenly explode in a cloud of gas.)
Gary: I cn't mv! Hlp me!
Kodachi: Never fear darling, I can move well enough for the both of us. Mister Turtle needs his sustenance! (She picks him up. Sir Kuno just stands there.)
Kuno: I shall, as you requested, leave the action to you.
Gary: Jrk! Jrk!
[Part 7]
The Tale of Sir(?) Numbski (cont.)
The last time we saw our budding hero, he was running tail tucked away from the castle belonging to the 12 girls of Metallica, leaving Sir Jim to enjoy every moment of it.
Numbski now had now wandered toward a chasm of deep proportions. After wondering how on earth he would cross it, he had found a bridge with an old man standing at the entrance to the bridge.
"Good afternoon, do you know where this bridge leads?" Numbski asked the old man in hopes of getting some affirmation as to his destination.
"Yes, this old bridge leads to the holy land of Nerima. A very fabled land of magic and lore." The old man coughed out as Numbski drew closer to the edge.
"Thank you kind sir, I shall be going now." Numbski stepped onto the bridge to cross. He was stopped short by the old man who now stood in front of him on the bridge. Numbski was startled and jumped back nearly ten feet in shock.
"How did you??" Numbski looked nearly incredulous, however he began to walk forward again, but the old man held out his hand and motioned him to stop.
"You must answer me three questions before you are allowed to pass" The old man sternly looked at Numbski, who was very shocked at this old man, who seemed to have power simply radiating from him. "I am the keeper of this bridge, and it is my only livelihood."
"Um okay, what would you like to know?"
"What is your name?"
"Numbski" Where have I seen this before?
"What is your quest?"
"I seek the holy nannichuan" This guy is starting to remind me of someone on FFML!
"What is your gender?"
Just then clouds began to form over the area Numbski was standing, as if on cue. Numbski was visibly shaking, not knowing the consequences of a wrong answer. He thought it over, and then spoke.
"I am male." Just then the heavens opened up and poored down rain. Of course now Numbski-chan was looking up at an old man who couldn't contain his delight.
"You lie! Master, come deal with this miscreant!" The old man motioned, then suddenly from the direction of the castle Numbski had just fled, came a 3 foot tall figure that attatched itself FIRMLY to Numbski-chan's chest.
*******
Up in the heavens sat the ever holy Lord, Rumiko Takahashi.
"I am bored fellow seraphim, I need amusement. How go the quests of our 4 sucker...I mean followers?"
The clouds parted and RT was able to see Numbski standing before an old man answering questions.
"What is your gender?" She heard the old man speak. With a giggle, she quickly formed clouds directly of Numbski-chan's head.
"This oughtta be fun!" RT let out an earth pounding giggle as she grabbed Happosai from his panty-fondling frenzy and tossed him toward the bridge.
*******
"Get offa me you old letch!" Numbski-chan was getting quite PO'ed at this point. She wasn't going to stand for this much longer. Looking for a way out, she charged the old man on the bridge.
"I know you are from the FFML! How dare you prevent me from reaching the holy nannichuan! I have seen you. You have been asking these stupid questions to everyone. Remember Shampoo? I could let her know that you called her Pantene again..." Despite the lech attatched to her chest, Numbski-chan managed an evil grin at the thought of Shampoo hurting the old geezer.
"No! No!" The old man stepped aside.
Now how the heck do I get this old lech offa me? The ground shook with laughter from above. Another evil thought came to Numbski-chan.
"Hey lech? You wanna see the biggest bazoombas you've ever seen in your dreams?" Numbski-chan forced a super-cute smile out.
"Where!" The old lech was drooling onto Numbski-chan's shirt.
"Right up there!" The clouds had parted and RT was completely visible laughing heartily. With one last drool, the lech launched himself into LEO (lower earth orbit).
Numbski-chan continued on his quest, undaunted, cursing his curse. He crossed the bridge into the holy land of Nerima, hoping to find the answer to his questions there.
[Part 9]
[No, you didn't miss part 8. There never was a part 8. Trust me on this one, okay?]
(Scene: A beautifully mountainous area. The knights are trudging along when they spot a woman in a tiger-striped bikini flying in the distance.)
Jim: Look there! It is the woman that the old man in scene 24 told of!
Gary: Scene 24?
(The screen ripples as we start to go to a flashback.)
Gary: Oh yeah...
(FLASHBACK: The three knights are speaking to a short, bald, dour-looking man.)
Man: You may call me Cherry.
Gary: Hey, great! My favorite flavor!
Jim: Shh! This man has great wisdom. He will answer one question for us. Ask him the question, good Sir Numbski.
Numbski: Very well. Sir, what is the best format for fanfiction?
Jim: Idiot! You were supposed to ask how we could find the holy nannichuan!
Numbski: Sorry!
Cherry: The best format for fanfiction?
Knights: Yes?
Cherry: Doujinshi.
Knights: D'Oh! (They all fall off their feet)
Cherry: Anyone not doing doujinshi is not using the best possible format. Crank up those paint & print programs, kiddies! Otherwise just deal with the fact that you're not using the best format.
Knights: Who has time for that?!?!?
(The knights punt him into low orbit. END FLASHBACK.)
Numbski: So he didn't tell us about this woman?
Jim: Well, he would have if you hadn't screwed up!
(Woman flies down.)
Kuno: Who are you who flies through the air without wings or jet propulsion system?
Woman: There are some who call me... Lum.
Gary: Greetings, oh Lum.
Woman: Greetings, fair knights. Which of you is the King?
Knights: (pointing to one another) He is!
Gary: I thought you were the King!
Jim: No, Numbski's the King.
Numbski: I'm not, Gary is!
Kuno: I shall be the King.
Gary: In yer dreams, pal!
(Lum zaps the knights with an electrical blast. They collapse in a heap on the ground.)
Lum: Do you lot want to know how to find this spring or not?!?
Gary: The what?
Numbski: The spring, oh yeah. We do, actually.
Lum: Travel north exactly two miles. There you will find an underground room. If you can defeat the guardian to gain entrance, you will find the clue you need. Bye bye!
(Lum flies off. The knights walk north to discover... Furinkan high.)
Jim: This... is where the clue is?
Kuno: The mind boggles.
(They enter. We see them going downstairs.)
Gary: Exactly two miles north and underground would put us right here.
(A sign says Girls' Locker Room.)
Numbski: She's gotta be kidding!
(A young Ms. Hinako blocks the doorway.)
Hinako: You naughty boys can't come in here!
Jim: Stand aside, good lady.
Gary: This is the guardian?? What does she do, kill you with cuteness?
(Hinako does her drain attack on the knights. They collapse into a heap again.)
Gary: ...Cute... very cute.
Jim: Help me up.
Gary: Time for plan B. Who has the sex-changing curse?
(All look at Numbski)
Numbski: Oh, no. No no no. You can't make me, you can't make me!
(Scene fades out to sound of water splooshing...)
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