WARNING: This is a lime. While it does not show explicit sex, as a lemon would, references to sexual situations abound.


Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe

The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially or used for profit in any way.


"Ranma, prepare to... UK!"

Shampoo's bicycle slammed into the back of Ryoga's neck, sending him skidding forward along the sidewalk. The Amazon dove off the bicycle, tumbling through the air with deft precision to land in Ranma's arms.

"Wow." Hiroshi stared like a man hypnotized, admiring Shampoo's curves. "She's good!"

"Yeah." Sayuri said. "Good enough for the Olympics, even."

"Nihao, Ranma!" Shampoo pressed her ample bosom into her airen's chest. "You happy to see Shampoo?"

"Aaaa! Get offa me!" Ranma turned, and was abruptly face to face with a glowering Akane. "It-it's not what it looks like!"

"Oh, don't let me interrupt!" she said, as her kick propelled Ranma away from Shampoo, toward the fence. "I'm sure you two are enjoying each other's company!"

Hiroshi winced as Ranma slammed into the fence, making it vibrate noisily. That had to hurt.

Ryoga stood up and charged. "Ranma! How dare you treat Akane like this! I'll--"

"OHOHOHOHO!" Kodachi Kuno suddenly swung down out of nowhere, in instant before Ryoga would've connected, quickly scooping Ranma up into her grasp as she passed. "What a pleasure to meet you here, Darling! Come with me to my abode tonight. I've fixed a repast for you using some simply exquisite new ingredients!"

"She's pretty good too!" Yuka remarked. "Great form!"

Hiroshi ran his eyes over the shapely body that bulged out of Kodachi's tight leotard. "Yeah."

Ryoga plummeted through the empty space where Ranma had just been. His momentum carried him into the water channel, leaving a man-sized hole in the fence. Hiroshi was about to move over to help him out, when he heard more voices approaching.

"Back off, sugar!" Ukyo shouted at Kodachi. A salvo of mini-spatulas whizzed by, barely missing Ranma's ear. "If anyone's gonna feed my friend Ran-chan, it's gonna be me!"

Ranma pushed out of Kodachi's grip, then frantically dodged a flurry of chains, pole arms, and kitchen utensils. "Shampoo!" Mousse cried. "I'll avenge you! Ranma, I saw what you did! How dare you molest the woman I love!"

"Wow." Yuka stared wide-eyed at the chaotic scene. "You usually don't see this many of them together on a Wednesday."

A guttural snorting sounded from the new hole in the fence. "P-chan!" Akane exclaimed joyfully as she looked down at the black piglet who was climbing out. "How did you get here? Come to Mommy!"

Daisuke smirked at Hiroshi. "Bet she'll kill him when she finds out."

"Maybe she knows already," Hiroshi answered back, grinning. "Maybe she's taking him off to the butcher shop right now."

"Ouch. That's not funny," Daisuke said. "Just imagine it happening to you."

"Ouch is right." The thought made Hiroshi instinctively reach down to shield his vital organs.

Yuka turned. "What are you guys talking about?" she asked, a puzzled look on her face.

"Um, nothing. I'm only kidding." Hiroshi whispered to Daisuke, "We both know she's never gonna figure it out."

"Right," Daisuke replied. "That's the thing about the people in this neighborhood. They're predictable. You always know where they stand."


"Darling!" Mousse's voice resonated through the Nekohanten. "Darling, are you here?"

"Mousse, you fool!" the object of his affection called back. "What if someone should hear you?"

"Sorry, Darling." He came into the back room. "I figured that if there was anyone here, they'd think I meant Shampoo."

"That's all right." She nodded approvingly. "You meant well." Mousse was actually quite a bit smarter than he acted; she had to keep reminding herself of that.

He gazed at her with big eyes and an absurdly happy smile. "Did I do a good job today with Shampoo? Did I?"

"From what I've heard, you certainly did. I'm quite happy with your work. Your harassment of her gives her added motivation to succeed in her pursuit of Ranma, not to mention giving you a reason for being here."

"You're my reason for being here, Darling!"

"I mean a reason that I can tell to other people, you dolt!" She sighed. "How our traditions have eroded. When I was young, an Amazon elder had the right to keep several young men as her, er, personal servants. Now, unfortunately, it is looked down upon, and I would lose considerable standing if anyone were to learn of our little... arrangement."

"I won't tell anyone, Darling! You can count me to act as if I were still smitten by Shampoo."

Cologne stared at Mousse's puppy-dog face. Perhaps it really wasn't right for her to use him in this way. But didn't being the oldest and most powerful living warrior of the Amazon tribe entitle her to a little comfort? She wasn't causing the boy any harm, anyway. Not really.

"Of course I can count on you," she said. "Still, Shampoo's lack of success with Ranma worries me. It is an embarrassment to our tribe for a man to elude an Amazon for so long."

Mousse stared at the floor thoughtfully. "Could you give Ranma a potion to make him love Shampoo?"

"Unfortunately, no. I used up my supply of love potions on..., er, some time ago. Besides, it is Shampoo's responsibility, as she was the one defeated by Ranma. It would not reflect well on her were I to help her too much."

"I'm sure she'll do all right with whatever help you can give her. Thanks to you, we've kept up our pretense for so long. How many others could have managed to keep a relationship like ours a secret?"


The massive door to the Kuno estate swung open. Kodachi Kuno stepped into view, clad in a bright floral kimono. "Yes?"

"Got a little something Kuno-chan ought to be interested in," Nabiki said, holding up an envelope. "Photos of the 'Pig-Tailed Girl.' Is he here?"

"My dear brother is not at home," Kodachi said uninterestedly. "He remains at school on Wednesday afternoons to practice that silly kendo of his. If you wish, you may wait inside for his return. Do be careful not to touch anything."

"Thank you." Nabiki let the door close behind her as she walked inside the mansion, away from any eyes that might be watching.


"Oh, Ko-chan, that was wonderful!" Nabiki lay back against the pillow, catching her breath. "I never knew you could use a gymnastics club *that* way!"

"One learns a great many things when one undertakes athletic training. Perhaps you should try some." Kodachi smirked as she handed Nabiki her clothes. "Though you're certainly quite capable as you are."

"You're not so bad yourself." Nabiki grinned. "Ranma doesn't know what he's missing."

Kodachi looked up as she sighed wistfully. "Oh, darling Ranma-sama, what horrid fate is it that keeps us apart?" Then she burst out laughing, with Nabiki quickly joining in. "You should have seen him this afternoon when I was teasing him. The look in his eyes was just priceless!"

"Teasing?" Nabiki smiled devilishly as she quickly dressed. "Is that what you call it?"

"But of course!" Kodachi quickly slipped her kimono over her head. "Dear Ranma, despite his rough exterior, is a knight in shining armor. I knew it on the night I first met him as his male self. Not many would stop to help one who had just assaulted his fiancee. From that night on, I simply could not resist playing Delilah to his Samson."

"That's a funny way of putting it. Sounds more like your dad's sort of thing. With the hair, you know?"

Kodachi's expression became thoughtful."Yes, Father and I do share many bad habits, I suppose. But what is mere amusement for him serves an additional purpose for me. My attentions toward darling Ranma provide an object lesson to any would-be male suitors. There aren't many boys around brave enough to woo the horrible, thorny creature known as the Black Rose. Surprisingly, though, there have been a few who weren't deterred, but actually encouraged."

Nabiki chuckled. "Face it, Ko-chan, someone as rich as you are is always going to have a few men after her. Money is one of the best aphrodisiacs there is."

Kodachi raised an eyebrow. "So speaks the legendary mercenary Nabiki Tendo? Is that why *you* love me, for my money?"

Nabiki's anger briefly surged, until she realized that she was being "teased." She leaned over Kodachi and began to massage her shoulders. "I love you because you're capable of holding an intelligent conversation. Because you're complex where everyone else is simple. A pearl of sophistication in an ocean of grubby martial arts types."

"My, how poetic." Kodachi turned her head and kissed Nabiki. "I fear our time is at an end, for now. Brother will be back shortly. Come, let us await him in the living room so that you may sell him your photographs."

Nabiki followed Kodachi out of the bedroom, her eyes trained on the gymnast's expression. Kodachi *was* complex. Getting to know her was like peeling an onion. While Nabiki was familiar with the layer below the one that everyone else saw, she knew that there were many others below that. She had no idea what Kodachi was like deeper down, but she was sure that she wanted to spend her life finding out.

"Ko-chan, I wonder why you haven't just told your suitors the truth. That you're a lesbian. Seems like it would save you a lot of trouble."

"Ah, but trouble is so much fun." Kodachi laughed. "Especially the infliction of it on others. What of you? You, too, keep your true desires hidden. Why? Not because you're afraid of what people will think, is it?"

"Of course not." Nabiki stiffened a bit. "It's simply no one's business."

"Yes." Kodachi smiled. "It is the same for me."


Upperclassman Tatewaki Kuno strode proudly along the road. He felt pleased with himself, with good reason.

He had just completed an hour's kendo practice session, in which he had demonstrated to a particularly brash young freshman the error of underestimating one's elders. Though the Blue Thunder had not yet defeated Ranma Saotome, he was still a force to be reckoned with.

Better still, Tatewaki was on his way to visit the true love of his heart. He carried with him twenty of the finest red roses, tokens of his affection and devotion, though their fiery color paled before the warmth she instilled in his heart. He began composing a sonnet in his mind based on that thought as he approached her place of residence.

For now, it was necessary for the two of them to keep their true passions a secret. One day, Tatewaki would deal with his father, in such a way that would end the possibility of his interference. Then he would be able to openly express his love for her, and they would be happily married. What a glorious day that would be.

He stepped up to the front door. His knock was promptly answered. "Why hello, Kuno-san! How nice to see you!"

"Greetings, Upperclassman." He bowed properly, then held out the bouquet. "I bear an offering for the Pig-Tailed Girl."

"Oh my, I'm afraid Ranma isn't at home." Kasumi smiled graciously. "Why don't you come in for a cup of tea while I put your flowers in some water?"

"Thank you, good lady. That would be most kind of you." Tatewaki bowed as he entered, handing the roses to Kasumi. A sparkle shone briefly in her eyes as she gazed at the flowers. She knew for whom he had really brought them.


Kasumi poured fresh steaming tea into the two cups, then sat back down in the chair next to Tatewaki. "Goodness, do you really need to leave so soon?"

"I fear so, my love." He held her hand, her gentle touch warming his soul. "My twisted sister will be expecting me to return. She cannot be allowed to suspect that there is something between us, for if her suspicions did grow, she would surely inform Father of them."

"Yes, you're right." A slight smile played momentarily across Kasumi's lips, making Tatewaki wonder whether she knew something that he didn't. Then she leaned over and hugged him.

"You know I would profess my feelings for you to the world," he said softly into her ear as he returned the embrace with all his strength. "Were I able, I would shout your name from the highest mountaintops. But I cannot bear the thought of what that madman would do to you."

"I know." She quickly kissed him, then pulled back, still grasping his hand. "I know."

He glanced at the vase in the center of the table. "I shall take these flowers back, lest anyone realize that I was here."

"Oh my!" Kasumi grinned, and laughed as if Tatewaki had been joking. "I thought that they were your present for the 'Pig-Tailed Girl!'"

"Ah, of course." Tatewaki smiled. "Clearly the presence of your beauty has addled my brain."

They laughed together, as Tatewaki remembered once again one reason why he loved Kasumi. She was without exception the wisest person he knew -- and yet, she was able to advise and correct him in a way that did not make him feel stupid. Quite unlike Nabiki, who never missed a chance to belittle her "Kuno-chan" with a sarcastic put-down. Many of the Kendoists at Furinkan believed that Tatewaki would one day marry Nabiki. Fools.

He stood, setting his cup down on the table. "I bid you au revoir until we meet again, my love."

"Until we see each other again." Kasumi gave his hand a squeeze, then released it as she smiled enigmatically. "I'll have a surprise for you!"

Tatewaki waved goodbye and stepped out the door, sliding it closed behind him. He wondered what Kasumi had meant. Though he of course trusted her fully and completely, some intuition that he could not dismiss still told him that not all was well.


Kasumi hummed to herself as she picked the teacups off the table and carried them to the sink. Soon, at long last, it would all be over, and they could stop pretending. The way to fix things was so simple, she was amazed that she hadn't thought of it before.

It was strange to have fallen in love with someone who wasn't older. Younger men had always seemed so childish to her. But Tatewaki was different. There was a nobility about him, a heritage that he carried, that was far older than his calendar age.

She giggled to herself as she poured a little more water into the vase on the table, wondering if the "Pig-Tailed Girl" would like her flowers. Poor Ranma. She hoped he wouldn't be too mad when he finally understood how he'd been made an unwitting actor, or rather actress, in their little play. But he fit the role better than anyone could have -- even better than Kasumi's boy-hating sister. Tatewaki had to be seen chasing someone who couldn't possibly be interested in him. Who could be better for that than a girl who was really a boy?

Anyway, it would all be over soon. She pulled open the kitchen drawer and took out the solution to all of their problems. She gripped the handle firmly, noticing how shiny and sharp the blades looked. It was probably just as good as the ones that Tatewaki's father had.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Kasumi lifted the clippers up to the top of her hair.

"What are you doing?!" From behind, Tatewaki's hand grabbed onto Kasumi's arm, pushing it back down.

"Oh my!" She spun around, while passing the hair clippers into her other hand. "I-- I thought you had gone!"

"I returned, concerned about what you intended to do." He took hold of her other arm with his free hand. "Have you gone mad?!"

"I-- I'm going to cut my own hair!" Kasumi stopped struggling, as she couldn't match Tatewaki's strength. "That way, your father won't be able to do anything to us!"

Tatewaki looked into her eyes. "Kasumi, my love, I am truly touched by your willingness to take this step, but you clearly do not understand my father."

"Wh-- what do you mean?"

"I mean that he is an insanely jealous parent. Any affection or attention shown to one of his children would incite him to action. Cutting your hair would only be his first attempt to dissuade you. From there he would move on to worse and worse things until you were forced to give in to him, for my safety if not yours."

Kasumi's mind whirled. What Tatewaki was saying made sense, but something in her didn't want to accept it.

"For you to shave your own head would not only be a criminally senseless destruction of exquisite beauty, but it would actually encourage him. He would know that he had intimidated you to take drastic measures already, before he had even begun. Do you understand?"

Kasumi fought back the tears that were welling up in her eyes. "But-- but-- we can't just keep going on like this! It's-- it's not fair to *you*!"

"To me?" Tatewaki seemed genuinely puzzled.

"Yes!" She found herself unable to look up at him. "I don't even-- make you happy, the way that other girls would! And you have to pretend to chase after Ranma and Akane, just because of me. It-- it isn't right! Why can't I do this one thing for you?"

He brushed his hand against her cheek, wiping away a tear. "My dear, what you have is much more valuable than anything that those other women might give me: your personal honor. If your honor demands that we wait until we are wed, then wait we shall; and it will make the experience all the sweeter when the day comes." He took the hair clippers in his other hand. "But right now, what would make me happy would be to see this infernal device destroyed rather than you defaced by it."

Kasumi looked around to make sure no one was watching. Then she reached up and hugged Tatewaki. A loud thump was heard as the clippers hit the inside of the garbage pail.


The woman approached the desk, peering through her dark glasses at the secretary. "Good afternoon. I believe I am expected."

The secretary glanced at the notebook in front of her. "Ah. Mrs. Hiko. Yes, he's expecting you. If you'd go inside and have a seat, he'll be right with you."

"Thank you." The woman, whose name was not Mrs. Hiko, walked through the doorway, bowing slightly at the secretary.

She paid little attention to the familiar spacious office as she closed the door behind her. Walking through to the bathroom, she undressed, and emerged wearing only a silk robe.

She would never have believed that it would come to this. What would her family say if they knew Saotome Nodoka to be involved in an extra-marital affair? Several times, she had suspected her husband of cheating on her; had she caught him at it, she would surely have demanded his head. Now she was the one committing the offense, and not just in an isolated incident, but on a regular basis. Was she that much of a hypocrite? How could she preach honor to others and disregard it so flagrantly in her own actions?

And yet... being with him brought out feelings that she thought had died forever. Being with him was so... unpredictable. And fun. He was fun to be around. The kind of fun she used to have as a little girl, before honor and responsibility were thrust upon her and became her only concerns, smothering out laughter and spontaneity. Before she was married off to an unimaginative oaf of a husband. With her new lover, she felt alive, like one who had been alive for so many years and never really known it.

He had been the one to tell her where to find Genma and Ranma. It had been so hard to keep a straight face watching their "Ranko and Mr. Panda" routine. Then, when the "secret" came out, Ranma's clumsy attempts to prove that he was a man had been even more hilarious. They had really believed that she was going to kill them!

She smiled wistfully. Maybe it was time for Genma to go on another training trip. She considered the various means she might use to persuade him to take one.

Nodoka heard a noise from the back entrance, and turned her head to investigate. Her lover abruptly entered, completely naked, pushing a wheelbarrow in front of him. She stared curiously at its yellowish contents. "What is that?" she asked.

"Crushed pineapple," he replied, grinning broadly. "I be bringin' in de whipped cream and chopped nuts next, wahine. We goan make a human sundae!"

Nodoka smiled. Though she enjoyed feeling like a little girl, being a woman also had its moments.


Akane closed her bedroom door. She smiled at the piglet resting atop her bed, playfully scratching him under the chin. "Ready for beddy-bye, P-chan?"

She pulled open the top drawer of her dresser, taking out a small thermos bottle. Moving leisurely back to the bed, she poured the water on top of the piglet, careful not to wet the quilt. Instantly, Ryoga Hibiki lay on the bed, naked except for his headband.

Akane leaned over him, and their lips interlocked in a long, slow kiss. She pulled back with a smile. "Hey there, pig boy."

Ryoga began undoing the buttons on her pajamas, one by one. "Ranma still isn't taking the hint. Sometimes I wonder if he suspects the truth."

"That idiot? He'll never figure anything out. I've done everything I could think of to get rid of him. I'm always slugging him, malletting him... I even make him eat pig slop for food!" She laughed. "Pig slop, get it?"

"I guess I'll have to beat him up again. What should my excuse be this time?"

"We just have to be patient, I guess." She slid her body onto the bed, next to Ryoga's. "My dad wants me to marry Ranma. If he ever found out about us..."

She sighed, burying her face into Ryoga's shoulder. She hated herself for what she was doing. Ranma wasn't a bad person; under better circumstances, they could've become friends. But he wasn't anywhere near as considerate, as gentlemanly as Ryoga. And no one was going to force her to marry someone she didn't want to.

Ryoga pulled Akane into an embrace. "As long as we can have these moments together, I'm happy."

"Yeah, me too. It still seems so... unfair, though. Why do we have to be the only ones who have to keep our feelings for each other a secret?"


Ukyo took the okonomiyaki off the grill, smoothly sliding it onto the plate across the table. The young man across from her reached down and began to eat.

"Do you like it, sugar?" she asked.

"Mmmmm!" He smiled as he began to chew faster to finish off his current mouthful. "It's great!" he said, as he picked up more of the food with his chopsticks. "Even better than before!"

"I've learned a few things since junior high, honey." Ukyo's smile beamed uncontrollably. Like they say, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. This particular young man was the one she loved, and being able to make him happy made her happy.

"Um, oh yeah, take a look at this." He dug into his pocket and pulled out a few photographs. "I took this today. Shampoo and Ranma... together." He took a long sip from his tea cup. "I took them a little before you showed up."

Ukyo studied the pictures, which showed an affectionate-looking Shampoo attaching herself to an averse-looking Ranma. "Nice work on these, sugar. You're getting to be a regular artist with that camera." He began to blush. "Hey, I mean it. Pretty soon all kinds of celebrities'll be coming from all over to have their picture taken by Hikaru Gosunkugi."

He held his face in his hands bashfully. "But, um, what should I do with these? Send them to Ranma? Or Shampoo?"

"Nope. To Akane." Ukyo smiled with glee as she imagined the punishment Akane would inflict on her fiance. "Copies to Kodachi. She'll get jealous and harass him. Of course, his 'cute fiancee' will be there to support him."

Hikaru looked up. "Uh, I thought you didn't like Ranma? Not that I'm, I mean, I wouldn't say that you...."

"I don't, honey." She touched him reassuringly on the shoulder. "But don't tell anyone. Can't let him know 'til I've had my revenge, now can I? Until then, we have to keep everything between us a secret."

Ukyo's plan for revenge on Ranma flashed through her mind, as it always did. She could picture it as if it were already happening. It was so much more fitting than her original plan -- simply beating him senseless with her spatula. To think that Ranma himself had given her the idea.

"Between..." Hikaru nodded as he stood up, looking somewhat confused. "Okay, anyway, um, I'll go put my overnight bag in your guest room."

She winked at him. "Don't have a guest room, sugar."

"Uh, well, that's okay. I don't mind sleeping on the couch if you need me to." He sat back down as Ukyo's eyes rolled upward. "Beats staying home and watching anime, anyway."

"Oh, I don't know...." She smirked at him. "How about us doing a little La Blue Girl tonight?"

"Um, okay. Where do you keep your copy of it?"

Ukyo resisted the urge to bap some sense into him with her spatula. "Look, maybe I'd better be a little more direct here." She gazed directly into his eyes. "You know what I was like when you first met me. After Ranma had run out on me, and my father started with that 'I have no daughter' crap, I started dressing like a boy. I was pretty convincing at it, too. I fooled myself, along with everybody else."

"But I... found out."

She inched closer to him. "Except you. You were the only one who could see that I was really a girl. You made *me* believe it again. You made it possible for me to embrace my own femininity when I thought I couldn't anymore."

Hikaru stared blankly.

"So... what I'm saying is...." She leaned over to whisper into his ear. "I want you to show me what it's like to be a woman."

"Huh?" His eyes bulged. "I-- I couldn't do that!"

"Why not?"

"I-- I've always been a MAN!" Hikaru said. "I have *no idea* what it's like to--"

"AAAARGH! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN!" Ukyo instinctively reached back for her combat spatula, but found only empty air at her back. She drew several deep breaths to calm herself down.

Suddenly Hikaru's jaw dropped. "You aren't saying... you want to... with ME?!"

"Yup." Ukyo smiled at the boy. Then she caught a whiff of his odor. "But take a shower first, okay, hon?"

Hikaru nodded slowly, as if in shock, as she ushered him towards the washroom. "O-- okay... Ucchan."

"DON'T CALL--" Ukyo cut herself off in mid-sentence and cleared her throat. "Please don't call me that, all right? Anyhow, there you go. Towels are inside." She prodded him forward, and watched as the door swung shut.

Walking back to the dining table, she picked up the dirty plates and carried them over to the sink. The muffled hiss of the shower echoed in the background. Ukyo couldn't help but smile. Her dream was about to come true -- one of them, anyway. The other one would take longer, but it, too, would happen; she was sure of it.

As she busily scrubbed the dishes clean, she pictured the scene in her mind, the one she had imagined a hundred times before. Ranma finally deciding that he's fed up with his life, that he truly loved his cute fiancee and wanted to elope with her. Herself hugging him excitedly and telling him how much she'd been waiting for this day -- true, but not in the way he thought. Ranma meeting her the next day, his belongings all packed, his eyes full of love -- love for her. Herself and Hikaru driving away, cheerfully waving and calling out *Bye-Bye!* to Ranma. Ranma's expression changing from love to shock, then to sadness, then to hurt, then to anger, as he ran in vain trying to catch them, eyes crying, arms flailing about desperately, his voice crying out the words that made her entire life worthwhile.

*You said you'd take me with you!*


Ranma moved silently through the moonless night. A leap carried him effortlessly up to the sill of the second floor window, which he slid open with practiced ease. An instant later, he was in the room, gently closing the window behind him.

The naked girl on the bed sat up, illuminated by the glow of a small lamp. Her hands wrapped around him as he quickly began to pull his clothes off. "Why you late tonight, Ranma?"

"I had to wait 'til Pop was asleep. He stayed up for quite a while tonight. Probably because of those meatballs Akane cooked. Sorry about that."

"Ranma, let's run away. Tonight. We go live with my sisters." She looked up at him, her pleading eyes deep pools of sparkling light. "Please. I-- I tired of all this."

"Shampoo, I...." He wanted to give her what would make her happy. He wanted to say yes to her, the way she had always said yes to him. But.... "It's not that simple. I can't just up and leave. You know that."

"Why?" Shampoo pulled back, partially covering herself with the bedspread. "Is because Akane? You maybe planning marry her after you finished with me?"

"No! Why the heck do you always have to assume the worst of me?" He hated it when she was like this; it was like having to defuse a bomb, over and over. "I ain't marrying Akane. She's a good kid and all, but there's no way she could make me happy like you can."

She looked up at him uncertainly. "Then what?"

"I told ya before. It's Pop. He may be a stupid jerk, but he's the only family I got. Him and Mom, and she'll probably end up trying to kill me. Don't you see? There's no way I can just walk out on my family! There's no way out of it right now!"

Shampoo stared at the wall. "I think maybe you not try."

"We tried once before back in China, remember? It almost worked. Good thing, too. Pop was about to take my head off when he caught the two of us together. Good thing that shampoo of yours doesn't need hair to work. When we got back to your village, he didn't remember ever seeing you before."

"Yes." Her expression softened. Ranma was working his way through her defenses. "We have fight, and I let you win so we can get married under old Amazon law. You have good idea."

"I guess it was. I didn't know I'd be a girl when I got there, or that the dumb Guide would screw things up so much. I can't believe that jerk! Where'd he get that 'kiss of death' stuff from? How can he be a guide when he don't understand nothin' about your laws?"

"I remember. Then you run away from me!"

"Damn right I did! I thought you were tryin' to kill me!"

"I do try kill you!" She stared sharply into his eyes. "Because you run out on me! Man from rich country always think can take advantage of stupid Amazon girl. Make love, then leave behind and go back to wife. I not let you do that to me! We have word for man who take advantage of Amazon and run away. That man we call dead man!"

"That's two words." This seemed to make her more vexed, so Ranma continued quickly. "Anyway, I told ya that it was all a mistake. But it's different now. Everybody knows I'm engaged to Akane. The only thing we can do is to keep trying to drive her off. Eventually she'll just get so sick of it that she won't be able to take any more, and end the engagement for good. That's the only way I can get out of it and still keep my family."

"Okay, Ranma. I believe you. I sorry." Shampoo let the sheet fall away, revealing her full glory.

Ranma paused a moment to take in the spectacle -- her muscular yet supple form, her enormous breasts, her hair of lustrous jet black that reached down past her waist. All of it displayed for him without a trace of modesty or embarrassment. Quite a difference from Akane, who seemed to be so ashamed of her own body, of her own femininity, that she had to beat him up every time he almost saw what she looked like not fully dressed.

Ranma climbed into the bed. Like he had said, Akane was a good kid. But there were some things that only a grown woman had to offer.


The morning sun rose over Nerima. Soun sipped his tea as he idly watched the Tendo home's morning activities.

"Hurry up, Ranma! We're going to be late!"

"I'm comin' already. Is it my fault if I woke up late this morning?"

"Say, Kasumi, I won't be home for dinner tonight. There's, um, an investment opportunities seminar I want to go to."

"All right, Nabiki. Have a good time! Ranma, don't forget your lunch! And did you want these flowers that Kuno-san left for you?"

"I made lunch for Ranma today, Kasumi. If we're going to be engaged, then he ought to eat my cooking!"

"I wouldn't give your cooking to a dog, Akane. OW! What'd you do that for?! Um, you can have the flowers, Kasumi."

"Why, thank you! Oh, by the way, Mr. Saotome, Mrs. Saotome would like you to call her. She said it was an important matter of family honor."

"Ulp. Th- thank you, Kasumi."

"I'm off to take care of the shopping, Father. Bye bye!"

Soun stared as the youngsters filed out of the room. After several moments, he rose from his chair. "Well, Saotome. Shall we get in a little practice session?"

"Good idea, Tendo. Work off some of those breakfast calories, eh? After you!"

The two walked over to the dojo. After sliding the door closed behind them, their casual expressions changed to furtive glances, as they scanned the dojo. "All clear," Soun said.

Genma wheeled a cart into view. On it stood a television set with attached VCR. Soun flipped the switch to on and slid a tape into its mouth.

"Which tape did you get, Tendo?" Genma asked.

The men took seats on the floor in front of the TV as an image formed. "Debbie Does Daito," Soun answered.

"Ah, you can't go wrong with the classics." They stared intently at the small screen, waiting for the movie to come on.

Soun turned to his friend and grimaced. "You know, Saotome, we really ought to be more careful. We have to be sure that this little hobby of ours stays secret."

"Absolutely right, Tendo. It could be very bad for us if people begin to suspect that not everything around here is as it seems."



By now, you, the reader, are probably scratching your head and asking what the heck you've just read. This story was conceived after reading "The Masks We Must Wear," and the many stories following it that featured selected Ranma 1/2 characters in relationships that had been kept secret throughout the series.

My aim was to write the ultimate in "Hidden Relationships" stories, one where just about *every* character was secretly seeing someone unexpected. (I did leave out Happi, which I figured would be a relief to everyone.) This was originally supposed to be just a quickie spamfic -- but as I wrote, many of the relationships expanded and took on lives of their own, as I started to almost believe that they were possible.

I had no idea whether anyone else would be amused by this, but the response from FFML was extraordinarily positive, and I thank everyone for it. This story was a lot of fun to write. It was also a broadening experience for me, as most of the relationships went strongly against my own character biases.

If you've read this far, I'd be happy to hear what you thought of this story.