Megami-sama, Masaka? Part 1: A Rose Is Not a Rose
Category: Major Ranma fanfics
Posted on May 9, 2013 by Gary
Tatewaki Kuno was eating lunch at the Nekohanten. Half the student body of Furinkan ate lunch there, ever since the decision that only Hawaiian food would be available in the school.
The food at the restaurant filled one's stomach adequately for a reasonable price; the only drawback was the waiter's lack of competence. "I, Tatewaki Kuno the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, ordered the house special ramen! Dare you insult me by giving me pork buns instead?" It was a good policy to be firm with the serving classes.
Tatewaki saw his twisted sister, Kodachi the Black Rose, walk into the establishment. The waiter immediately jumped on her, crying out "Shampoo! How I've missed you in the time you've been gone! It's been... at least an hour and a half!"
"Blind fool!" Tatewaki rose to his feet. "Can you not tell one person from another? Would you so mistake Ranma Saotome for the Pig-Tailed Girl?"
"Stupid Mousse!" the target of Mousse's affections said, in a most unexpected voice. "Get back to work or I hurt you!"
"Yes, darling Shampoo!" Mousse turned to clear a table. An identical-looking Kodachi entered the restaurant.
"Shampoo? Is that you?" The withered crone who owned the restaurant spoke to the first Kodachi.
"Of *course* it's her!" Mousse said smugly. "Can't you see? Do you need *glasses* or something?"
"Mousse, go scrub out the toilets," Cologne shot back.
"Er... yes, elder." Mousse sulked away toward the bathroom, muttering under his breath. "Again? Geez..."
"Great grandmother, this fault of evil lecher," the first Kodachi said.
Tatewaki rose to his feet. "Ranma Saotome did this? That swine! I shall...."
Cologne struck with her staff as she walked past the Blue Thunder, knocking him back into his chair. "She means Happosai, you fool! Tell us what happened, Shampoo."
"You right, great grandmother. Happosai steal Shampoo underwear. I try to get back by power of calm reason...."
*****
Shampoo's fist slammed into Happosai. "Give back Shampoo underwear, old pervert! Or Shampoo KILL!!"
Rather than dodge, the old man rolled with the blow, using its momentum to propel him away. He flew through the air, clutching his bag full of newly acquired undies, as he watched the angry amazon recede into the distance.
He crashed headfirst through the roof of a house. Maybe watching where he was going might have been a good idea. He fell to the floor inside the house, along with a good portion of the roof.
As he picked himself off the floor, an elderly woman watched. "Oh dear, oh dear," the old woman muttered. "Are you a robber? Have you come to steal my prized possessions?"
"Not to worry, madam," Happosai said, dusting himself off. "I am in fact a thief, it's true, but the only thing I steal is underwear that's been worn by beautiful young women. I think that it's safe to say..." He eyed the eighty-plus year old woman. "... that I won't find any of that here."
"Oh, goodness, such a relief that is. I'm so afraid someone will take the most valuable thing I own, this box." She pointed out a small, ornately-carved wooden container. "It's a one-of-a-kind antique that people would kill to get. It has a name, now what was it. The Box of E'civedt'olp, they called it. Legends say that it has magical properties."
"How very interesting, madam. As it so happens, I have here the most valuable thing *I* own, my one-of-a-kind underwear collection. It includes, among other things, a pair of genuine amazon panties. There are definitely people who would kill to get these -- I've just had an encounter with one of them. Legends say -- I don't think I even need to tell you. Whaddaya say, interested in a swap?"
"Gracious, valuable you say? I suppose so, if you really think it's a good deal..." The old woman spoke in mumbles, seeming barely aware of what she was saying.
"We have an agreement, then." Happosai set down his bag, and cradled the box in his left hand. "I'll just be going, then, and.... Well, what do you know?" He looked at the bag in mock surprise and amazement. "Here is a bag full of women's undies! I just happen to be an underwear thief! How fortunate!" He grabbed the bag back into his right hand and bounded up through the hole he had made, onto the roof.
Like taking candy from a baby, Happosai mused, as he jumped down from the roof and sauntered down the street. Now he would try to find out what the box did, if anything. The old woman was obviously senile, there was no way she would catch him. He was in the clear.
Suddenly a bonbori crashed down, nearly missing his head. "Shampoo KILL!!"
Okay, he wasn't quite in the clear. Still, he figured he ought to be able to get away, seeing as it was just one pursuer.
He felt something wrap around his leg. He heard another voice, and turned to see the leotard-clad figure of Kodachi Kuno. "OHOHOHOHOHO! Raiding the locker room at St. Hebereke was a grave mistake, sensei!"
Okay, it wasn't just one. Happosai realized he might be in for a pounding. Kodachi pulled on the gymnastics ribbon that was wrapped around his leg, causing him to trip. The box slipped out of his hand. "Hey! Leggo! This is the legendary Box of E'civedt'olp! Don't you know what could..."
The box tumbled to the floor, and fell open. An eerie yellow-green light shone from within, bathing Shampoo and Kodachi in its glow...
*****
"So!" Tatewaki raised his bokken defiantly. "The old lecher through dark sorcery has split my sister into two people, and done Gods know what to the lovely Shampoo? He must be made to pay! The Blue Thunder shall..."
"Brother dear," the second Kodachi interrupted, "I haven't been spilt into two. I am me; that over there is your lovely Amazon waitress who has been transformed to *look* like me."
"Ah." Tatewaki scrached his head as he tried to comprehend this new information. "Well, whatever. Old crone, know you of any way to reverse this effect?"
"I have heard of the Box of E'civedt'olp," Cologne said. "It is an artifact of chaos; a very strange thing indeed. It is said to cause random, unpredictable changes in those whom it affects. In this case, it appears that Shampoo has been linked with your sister, causing her to take on her appearance. She may go back and forth between looking like herself and looking like Kodachi, before the effect finally wears off."
"It will wear off?" queried Tatewaki. "How soon?"
"A matter of days; perhaps a week or so. The only other thing I know of that would break it would be the death of one of the two linked persons."
"Do not worry. The honor of the Blue Thunder would not permit my harming in any way one as innocent and lovely as your fair great-granddaughter."
"I doubt you could even if you tried," Cologne said sternly. "Moreover, if you were to cause any harm whatsoever to Shampoo, then I would have to hunt you down. Filial love forms strong bonds indeed!"
"So I have heard." Tatewaki moved toward the exit. "Let us be off then. The old lecher must be made to pay!"
Cologne zipped around to stand in front of Tatewaki, and glared at him. "First, it is you who must pay, young man."
"Ah yes. The house special. Four hundred yen was it? There you are." He handed money to Cologne, then turned to the girl who looked like his sister. "And I say to you, fair one, that were my heart and soul not fully and exclusively given to Akane Tendo -- and the Pig-Tailed Girl -- the deepest love and affection of the Blue Thunder would be pledged to you."
"Why thank you, brother dear," she replied, "but I don't think it would work out. Let us go."
*****
George stood on the grass, looking at the new world around him. After being in limbo for who knew how long, he had finally arrived somewhere! He moved around, relieved to be in control of himself again.
His surroundings looked ordinary enough, some sort of park with houses across the street; not that much different from the city he had left. Maybe it had been a joke, a hallucination, and he wasn't going to be meeting characters from anime.
"HAHAHA!! You can't catch me!" A little old man carrying a large sack bounced rapidly off of George's head, knocking him down.
"Hey!" George said, struggling to get up. "That was --"
"OHOHOHOHO!!!" A girl in a leotard ran after the old man, using George as a stepping point. "You will not escape the Black Rose, sensei! I will have my underwear back before you discover the secret compartments!"
"-- and --"
"Pervert-man not escape!" Another girl, looking identical to the first, bounded off of George's head.
"-- and another --"
He didn't even try to get up this time. "The righteous vengeance of the Blue Thunder shall not be denied!" A boy in kendoists' robes added to the footprint collection on the back of George's scalp.
"-- and what's his name..."
George waited until he could be sure that it was clear. This was not a promising beginning. Still, things would get better. He looked carefully toward the direction from which the people had come, After minutes had passed, he was satisfied that there were no more on the way, and so he stood up.
"HAHA!! I doubled back!" The old man ran into him from the other direction, knocking him back down for the other three to trample over again. He decided to just lie there until winter when the snow would cover him up.
"Wait a minute," he said to himself. "I'm a martial artist here! That Goddess said so!" Proudly, defiantly, he stood up, breathing a sigh of relief when no one knocked him back down right away. He saw that the old man was circling back toward his location, and had apparently picked up another pursuer: a pigtailed boy, whom George recognized very well.
George stood, ready to attack Happosai, but not knowing how. Then he felt an instinct take over. He cried out, "School of Cyberspace Martial Arts -- Attack!" Cyberspace martial arts?!? GMAFB, he thought.
"Floppy Disk Strike!" George yelled, as he threw several razor sharp three and a half inchers in rapid succession. Strange. Why hadn't the Goddess given him CD-Roms instead? They'd be much more aerodynamic.
The old man dodged, the disks embedding themselves in a nearby tree. "Nice try, sonny!"
The others stood and watched as George continued. "Magnetic Tape Attack!" he said, hiding his embarrassment. Who used magnetic tape anymore? Didn't Goddesses know anything about computers? He produced a metallic ribbon with which he tried to ensnare Happosai; this too was dodged.
"Special attack: Chiasa Aonuma .JPG Strike!" He threw out an over-sized color print-out of a very shapely, very naked young woman. Happosai immediately forgot about the fight and stopped to stare.
Ranma, Kuno, and the two lookalikes leapt on top of Happosai and pummelled him. The women ripped open his bag and searched through, each pulling out a particular set of underwear.
Ranma went to greet George. "Hey, that was pretty cool! I ain't never seen attacks like those before. I'm Ranma Saotome."
"George Oscar Tockue the third. I'm not from around here. Actually I'm from a whole 'nother world. Another universe, you might say. Where I come from, you guys are just characters in an anime."
"Uh huh," Ranma shook George's hand hesitantly, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, I guess anyone who beats up Happosai is a friend of mine. Except that Pantyhose creep, of course." Ranma's grip tightened, causing George a bit of pain. "Gonna be around here for a while?"
"I think so. This is fun!" George noticed one of the Kodachis looking at him in a way that made him a bit nervous. Still, it didn't dampen his enthusiasm.
*****
From somewhere else, the Goddess looked down at the scene and laughed. The fun was just beginning.
The food at the restaurant filled one's stomach adequately for a reasonable price; the only drawback was the waiter's lack of competence. "I, Tatewaki Kuno the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, ordered the house special ramen! Dare you insult me by giving me pork buns instead?" It was a good policy to be firm with the serving classes.
Tatewaki saw his twisted sister, Kodachi the Black Rose, walk into the establishment. The waiter immediately jumped on her, crying out "Shampoo! How I've missed you in the time you've been gone! It's been... at least an hour and a half!"
"Blind fool!" Tatewaki rose to his feet. "Can you not tell one person from another? Would you so mistake Ranma Saotome for the Pig-Tailed Girl?"
"Stupid Mousse!" the target of Mousse's affections said, in a most unexpected voice. "Get back to work or I hurt you!"
"Yes, darling Shampoo!" Mousse turned to clear a table. An identical-looking Kodachi entered the restaurant.
"Shampoo? Is that you?" The withered crone who owned the restaurant spoke to the first Kodachi.
"Of *course* it's her!" Mousse said smugly. "Can't you see? Do you need *glasses* or something?"
"Mousse, go scrub out the toilets," Cologne shot back.
"Er... yes, elder." Mousse sulked away toward the bathroom, muttering under his breath. "Again? Geez..."
"Great grandmother, this fault of evil lecher," the first Kodachi said.
Tatewaki rose to his feet. "Ranma Saotome did this? That swine! I shall...."
Cologne struck with her staff as she walked past the Blue Thunder, knocking him back into his chair. "She means Happosai, you fool! Tell us what happened, Shampoo."
"You right, great grandmother. Happosai steal Shampoo underwear. I try to get back by power of calm reason...."
*****
Shampoo's fist slammed into Happosai. "Give back Shampoo underwear, old pervert! Or Shampoo KILL!!"
Rather than dodge, the old man rolled with the blow, using its momentum to propel him away. He flew through the air, clutching his bag full of newly acquired undies, as he watched the angry amazon recede into the distance.
He crashed headfirst through the roof of a house. Maybe watching where he was going might have been a good idea. He fell to the floor inside the house, along with a good portion of the roof.
As he picked himself off the floor, an elderly woman watched. "Oh dear, oh dear," the old woman muttered. "Are you a robber? Have you come to steal my prized possessions?"
"Not to worry, madam," Happosai said, dusting himself off. "I am in fact a thief, it's true, but the only thing I steal is underwear that's been worn by beautiful young women. I think that it's safe to say..." He eyed the eighty-plus year old woman. "... that I won't find any of that here."
"Oh, goodness, such a relief that is. I'm so afraid someone will take the most valuable thing I own, this box." She pointed out a small, ornately-carved wooden container. "It's a one-of-a-kind antique that people would kill to get. It has a name, now what was it. The Box of E'civedt'olp, they called it. Legends say that it has magical properties."
"How very interesting, madam. As it so happens, I have here the most valuable thing *I* own, my one-of-a-kind underwear collection. It includes, among other things, a pair of genuine amazon panties. There are definitely people who would kill to get these -- I've just had an encounter with one of them. Legends say -- I don't think I even need to tell you. Whaddaya say, interested in a swap?"
"Gracious, valuable you say? I suppose so, if you really think it's a good deal..." The old woman spoke in mumbles, seeming barely aware of what she was saying.
"We have an agreement, then." Happosai set down his bag, and cradled the box in his left hand. "I'll just be going, then, and.... Well, what do you know?" He looked at the bag in mock surprise and amazement. "Here is a bag full of women's undies! I just happen to be an underwear thief! How fortunate!" He grabbed the bag back into his right hand and bounded up through the hole he had made, onto the roof.
Like taking candy from a baby, Happosai mused, as he jumped down from the roof and sauntered down the street. Now he would try to find out what the box did, if anything. The old woman was obviously senile, there was no way she would catch him. He was in the clear.
Suddenly a bonbori crashed down, nearly missing his head. "Shampoo KILL!!"
Okay, he wasn't quite in the clear. Still, he figured he ought to be able to get away, seeing as it was just one pursuer.
He felt something wrap around his leg. He heard another voice, and turned to see the leotard-clad figure of Kodachi Kuno. "OHOHOHOHOHO! Raiding the locker room at St. Hebereke was a grave mistake, sensei!"
Okay, it wasn't just one. Happosai realized he might be in for a pounding. Kodachi pulled on the gymnastics ribbon that was wrapped around his leg, causing him to trip. The box slipped out of his hand. "Hey! Leggo! This is the legendary Box of E'civedt'olp! Don't you know what could..."
The box tumbled to the floor, and fell open. An eerie yellow-green light shone from within, bathing Shampoo and Kodachi in its glow...
*****
"So!" Tatewaki raised his bokken defiantly. "The old lecher through dark sorcery has split my sister into two people, and done Gods know what to the lovely Shampoo? He must be made to pay! The Blue Thunder shall..."
"Brother dear," the second Kodachi interrupted, "I haven't been spilt into two. I am me; that over there is your lovely Amazon waitress who has been transformed to *look* like me."
"Ah." Tatewaki scrached his head as he tried to comprehend this new information. "Well, whatever. Old crone, know you of any way to reverse this effect?"
"I have heard of the Box of E'civedt'olp," Cologne said. "It is an artifact of chaos; a very strange thing indeed. It is said to cause random, unpredictable changes in those whom it affects. In this case, it appears that Shampoo has been linked with your sister, causing her to take on her appearance. She may go back and forth between looking like herself and looking like Kodachi, before the effect finally wears off."
"It will wear off?" queried Tatewaki. "How soon?"
"A matter of days; perhaps a week or so. The only other thing I know of that would break it would be the death of one of the two linked persons."
"Do not worry. The honor of the Blue Thunder would not permit my harming in any way one as innocent and lovely as your fair great-granddaughter."
"I doubt you could even if you tried," Cologne said sternly. "Moreover, if you were to cause any harm whatsoever to Shampoo, then I would have to hunt you down. Filial love forms strong bonds indeed!"
"So I have heard." Tatewaki moved toward the exit. "Let us be off then. The old lecher must be made to pay!"
Cologne zipped around to stand in front of Tatewaki, and glared at him. "First, it is you who must pay, young man."
"Ah yes. The house special. Four hundred yen was it? There you are." He handed money to Cologne, then turned to the girl who looked like his sister. "And I say to you, fair one, that were my heart and soul not fully and exclusively given to Akane Tendo -- and the Pig-Tailed Girl -- the deepest love and affection of the Blue Thunder would be pledged to you."
"Why thank you, brother dear," she replied, "but I don't think it would work out. Let us go."
*****
George stood on the grass, looking at the new world around him. After being in limbo for who knew how long, he had finally arrived somewhere! He moved around, relieved to be in control of himself again.
His surroundings looked ordinary enough, some sort of park with houses across the street; not that much different from the city he had left. Maybe it had been a joke, a hallucination, and he wasn't going to be meeting characters from anime.
"HAHAHA!! You can't catch me!" A little old man carrying a large sack bounced rapidly off of George's head, knocking him down.
"Hey!" George said, struggling to get up. "That was --"
"OHOHOHOHO!!!" A girl in a leotard ran after the old man, using George as a stepping point. "You will not escape the Black Rose, sensei! I will have my underwear back before you discover the secret compartments!"
"-- and --"
"Pervert-man not escape!" Another girl, looking identical to the first, bounded off of George's head.
"-- and another --"
He didn't even try to get up this time. "The righteous vengeance of the Blue Thunder shall not be denied!" A boy in kendoists' robes added to the footprint collection on the back of George's scalp.
"-- and what's his name..."
George waited until he could be sure that it was clear. This was not a promising beginning. Still, things would get better. He looked carefully toward the direction from which the people had come, After minutes had passed, he was satisfied that there were no more on the way, and so he stood up.
"HAHA!! I doubled back!" The old man ran into him from the other direction, knocking him back down for the other three to trample over again. He decided to just lie there until winter when the snow would cover him up.
"Wait a minute," he said to himself. "I'm a martial artist here! That Goddess said so!" Proudly, defiantly, he stood up, breathing a sigh of relief when no one knocked him back down right away. He saw that the old man was circling back toward his location, and had apparently picked up another pursuer: a pigtailed boy, whom George recognized very well.
George stood, ready to attack Happosai, but not knowing how. Then he felt an instinct take over. He cried out, "School of Cyberspace Martial Arts -- Attack!" Cyberspace martial arts?!? GMAFB, he thought.
"Floppy Disk Strike!" George yelled, as he threw several razor sharp three and a half inchers in rapid succession. Strange. Why hadn't the Goddess given him CD-Roms instead? They'd be much more aerodynamic.
The old man dodged, the disks embedding themselves in a nearby tree. "Nice try, sonny!"
The others stood and watched as George continued. "Magnetic Tape Attack!" he said, hiding his embarrassment. Who used magnetic tape anymore? Didn't Goddesses know anything about computers? He produced a metallic ribbon with which he tried to ensnare Happosai; this too was dodged.
"Special attack: Chiasa Aonuma .JPG Strike!" He threw out an over-sized color print-out of a very shapely, very naked young woman. Happosai immediately forgot about the fight and stopped to stare.
Ranma, Kuno, and the two lookalikes leapt on top of Happosai and pummelled him. The women ripped open his bag and searched through, each pulling out a particular set of underwear.
Ranma went to greet George. "Hey, that was pretty cool! I ain't never seen attacks like those before. I'm Ranma Saotome."
"George Oscar Tockue the third. I'm not from around here. Actually I'm from a whole 'nother world. Another universe, you might say. Where I come from, you guys are just characters in an anime."
"Uh huh," Ranma shook George's hand hesitantly, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, I guess anyone who beats up Happosai is a friend of mine. Except that Pantyhose creep, of course." Ranma's grip tightened, causing George a bit of pain. "Gonna be around here for a while?"
"I think so. This is fun!" George noticed one of the Kodachis looking at him in a way that made him a bit nervous. Still, it didn't dampen his enthusiasm.
*****
From somewhere else, the Goddess looked down at the scene and laughed. The fun was just beginning.
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