There Goes the Neighborhood Part 5: After-Dinner Entertainment
Category: Major Ranma fanfics
Posted on May 7, 2013 by Gary
(We see (female) Ranma at the MI public phone, stomach grumbling.)
Ranma: <Damn that Yotsuya, eating all my dinner! Maybe this isn't a good idea, but...> Yo, Shampoo! Send me over something to eat, willya? HUH? Why not?
(Now we see Ranma bounding around town. We also see an image of Shampoo in the background, indicating Ranma's memory of what she just told her.)
Shampoo (memory): Great-grandmother out of town now. Mousse and I have to stay here to run restaurant. If you want food you need to come here to get it!
Ranma (memory): OK, but no little surprises this time like you tried this morning. Nothing weird in the food. Promise?
Shampoo (memory): OK.
Ranma: <Well, at least it gets me away from those people for a while.>
(Ranma, now outside the Cat Cafe, sees a mental image of Kuno, Kodachi, Happosai, Cologne, and Ryoga. As he makes the following observation, the image changes to Mitaka, Mrs. Ichinose, Yotsuya, Akemi, and Yusaku:)
Ranma: Although compared to some of the jerks I usually have to deal with, those Ikkoku people aren't so weird I guess.
(Ranma does a classic face-fault as he notices that the people in the latter mental image are actually present.)
Yotsuya: How nice to be appreciated.
Mrs. Ichinose: Makes you feel warm all over, don't it.
Akemi: Lucky we decided to head over here to keep you company.
(Ranma glares at Yotsuya.)
Ranma: And eating all of MY food didn't fill you up?
Yotsuya: Most assuredly it did. But this establishment serves alcoholic drinks as well.
(They walk in to the restaurant where they are greeted by Mousse [who for once is wearing his glasses].)
Mousse: Welcome! You must be the young lady from China, Liang Ye Ma!
Ranma: Yeah, uh, hi.
Mousse: {So of course you speak Chinese, you disgusting sack of shit!}
Ranma: (Mouthes off random syllables to try to sound as if he's speaking Chinese)
Mousse: Ha ha! (big smile as if making some friendly joke) {You are a womanizing cad who breaks the hearts of poor young women for his own amusement! You should have your genitalia cut off!}
Ranma: (more random syllables, big smile) Ha ha ha!!
(Shampoo comes up behind Mousse and whacks him upside the head. Mousse is dazed.)
Shampoo: Mousse! Shampoo not let you talk that way about her future husband!
Mousse (feebly): ... won't you be seated ...
(A little later, Mousse is bringing out food. The MI crowd is already boozing it up.)
Mousse: Large deluxe ramen.
Mitaka: I had the large deluxe ramen!
Mousse: I have it written down here: "Man in short-sleeve shirt: large deluxe ramen".
Mitaka: Yes, but I'M the man in the short-sleeve shirt!
Akemi: Don't see too well without your glasses, do you, hon.
Ichinose (who looks a little queasy, but is not letting it slow down her drinking): So these people are friends of yours?
Ranma: Yeah. Their names are Shan Pu and Mu Si, but everybody pronounces them "Shampoo" and "Mousse". They're both from some out-of-the-way place in China. Mousse has been in love with Shampoo since they were kids, but she won't marry the guy until he proves himself by combat.
Yotsuya: Is not the idea of determining marriage rights by combat considered primitive by modern-day standards?
Ranma: Yeah, well, you'd be surprised how many times I, uh, I mean my finance Ranma has gotten a challenge like this from some jerk or other.
(Mousse has overheard this last remark. He calls Ranma "loser" in Chinese. Ranma does not understand and nods in assent. Mousse is happy until he turns around in time to see Shampoo klonk him over the head with a pot.)
Ranma: So anyway, I really get sick of it.
Mrs. Ichinose: Urp. Don't say "sick".
Akemi: What's with you tonight? I thought you could hold your liquor better than any of us!
Mitaka: The three bottles she had on the tennis court probably didn't help.
Ichinose (looking queasy): I'll have you know that I don't get sick no matter how much I drink, and never will!
Yotsuya: Then how do you explain your current discomfort?
Ichinose: I've got a touch of the stomach flu.
Ranma: So won't drinking aggravate it?
Ichinose: I'm not the type to let a little pain boss me around. I am a dedicated drinker. A little thing like this isn't gonna stop me. I'm willing to put up with terrible agony for the sake of being able to have a good time!
Akemi: Is that so?
Ichinose: Yeah. The only time I ever stopped drinking was for the nine months I was carrying Kentaro. After that, I REALLY needed a drink. Now can we talk about something else?
Ranma: Yeah, like I was saying, no matter where I go, there's always somebody who wants to hurl a challenge...
Ichinose: Don't say "hurl". Urp. 'scuze me, be right back. (Goes off toward bathroom)
Akemi: Actually the challenge thing sounds kinda romantic. Let's have a challenge, Shun honey. If I win, you have to go out with me. If you win, I have to go out with you. (Mitaka is not amused.)
Ranma: Hey, there's a guy at Furinkan who keeps trying that strategy on me and Akane. Hasn't worked for him, though. Never will either.
Mitaka: There's a lesson there, I think.
Yotsuya: It occurs to me that we do have two young men here who are vying for the affections of the same woman. Perhaps a challenge should be arranged to settle the matter.
Yusaku: Are you saying that Mitaka and I should fight over Kyoko?
Yotsuya: Well, it would provide a great deal of entertainment to some of us.
Mitaka: There's other kinds of challenges, you know. Godai and I could compete in some sort of game of skill...
Yusaku: Like tennis? How dumb do you think I am, Mitaka?
Mitaka: Well, I guess it would be unfair of me, considering that I'm obviously the best athlete here.
Ranma: Is that so? Why don't you and I have a little fighting match tomorrow? Just for fun.
Mitaka: Sorry, I don't fight with pretty girls.
Ranma: Who's a g... oh yeah. OK, you can fight against Ranma then. Ranma Saotome happens to be ten times the athlete you are, pal, and he'll take you on anytime no matter what your game is!
Mitaka: Are you saying that he could beat me at tennis?
Ranma: You got it, jerk!
Mitaka: Have him meet me at the courts tomorrow at two in the afternoon. We'll see.
Yotsuya: It is settled, then. Competition through a surrogate. Ms. Liang's fiance Ranma will compete on Mr. Godai's behalf against Mr. Mitaka for the right to court our manager.
Ranma: Huh?
Yotsuya: Is that acceptable, Godai?
Yusaku: <That's not such a bad deal. If Mitaka loses, I might get him to leave Kyoko alone for good. But if he wins, Kyoko isn't going to choose him just because of some dumb bet. I can just claim I was drunk or something when I agreed to it.> Yeah, sure, why not?
(At this point Mrs. Ichinose staggers back from the bathroom. We also see that Shampoo has been listening.)
Ranma: Now wait just a minute here...
Mitaka: If you don't think this Ranma can measure up...
Ranma: Shut up, jerk! Ranma'll wipe the floor with your butt!
Yotsuya: The schools in China must be teaching a very colloquial version of Japanese.
Shampoo: Oh, Liang Xiaojie been in Japan long time. Not like Shampoo. Shampoo only come here a few months ago.
Yotsuya: And you, on the other hand, were taught to refer to yourself in the third person?
Shampoo: Yes. Shampoo take speaking lessons from American politician Bob Dole. (Everybody says "Who?", "Never heard of him", etc.)
Ichinose: What's going on?
Akemi: There's gonna be a grudge match. Our little love triangle is gonna be settled by a tennis match between Shun and Ranma.
Yotsuya: The outcome will determine who will have to give up on their mutual love interest.
Ichinose: Those two? I didn't think...
Yusaku: Oh, by the way. Remember at lunch, when I told you about the thing my grandmother gave me but I don't know what it is? This is it.
(Yusaku produces from his coat pocket a small reddish crystal. There is a strange glow from inside the crystal. Ranma and Shampoo look at it.)
Ranma: I've never seen anything like this before.
Shampoo: Aiya! Shampoo think this maybe special item. Show to great grandmother when she get back.
Ranma: Yeah, that old ghoul knows all about stuff like this.
Shampoo: Great grandmother is not ghoul!
Yusaku: What do you think about this tennis match tomorrow, Shampoo?
Shampoo: Ranma is good athlete, but he no can beat professional.
Ranma: Oh yeah? We'll see!
Shampoo: Shampoo think Ranma not win any sets at all tomorrow.
Ranma: Well then, why don't we have a little bet of our own? For every set I win, you owe me a free dinner. Without any of your funny stuff in it this time.
Yusaku: Funny stuff? Have we been eating "funny stuff"?
Yotsuya: I have not been particularly amused by it.
Shampoo: And if Ranma lose?
Ranma: If I... if Ranma loses the match, Ranma will give his shampoo a great big kiss! (Shampoo's eyes light up on hearing this.)
Shampoo: I so happy!! After Ranma kiss Shampoo, he toss aside Akane for good!
Ichinose: Urp... Don't say "toss".
(Cut to the group making their way home, most of them are obviously quite inebriated. Mrs. Ichinose seems to have recovered, and is BWAHAHAHAHAing most of the way. Yusaku is aside with Ranma.)
Yusaku: You better not lose.
Ranma: Don't worry. But there is something you can do for me before then. I need to get back at that jerk Yotsuya for eating my dinner tonight.
Yusaku: Whatever it is, I love it. That guy's been a pain in my rear since I met him.
(They all get back to MI. After they go up the steps, Kyoko locks the door, shuts off the hallway lights, and goes back to her room.)
Kyoko: <I wish they wouldn't stay out so late. I'm tired. A quick cup of teaand I'm going right to bed.> (She starts to fix said cup of tea.) >Yusaku has been spending a lot of time with that Chinese girl. I wonder...>
(The teapot starts whistling, indicating that the water is boiling. Kyoko seems unaware of this.)
Kyoko: <It's no concern of mine who Yusaku goes out with.>
(Yusaku is in his room, ready to sleep. He is wearing earmuffs.)
Yusaku: <With these earmuffs on I won't be able to hear Ranma's snoring.>
(Cut back to Kyoko. Her water is boiling rapidly, but she apparently hasn't
noticed.)
Kyoko: How can they possibly say I could be jealous of Yusaku. I'm a married woman! What he does with that girl is his own affair! I mean...
(She finally looks at her water, much of which has by now boiled away.)
Kyoko: That's funny, I thought I put in more water than that.
(Cut away to Yusaku in his room.)
Yusaku: <Aaaahhhhh... Yes...>
(Kyoko slurps down a cup of tea. Suddenly, she looks like she's in a trance.)
(Back to Yusaku in his room.)
Yusaku: <Tonight I'm really gonna get some sleep.>
(Kyoko moves up the darkened stairs.)
Kyoko (melodically): Yu- sak- u...
(Yusaku's door creeps open. He is not aware of it. Kyoko moves over to him and starts caressing him. He sleepily goes along with it until he realizes what's happening.)
Yusaku: Wha -- This isn't a dream!?! Oh, Kyoko!
(Yusaku starts to return Kyoko's advance. Abruptly, she comes out of her trance and is quite surprised at where she is. She pulls away and gives Yusaku a good slap.)
Kyoko: Yusaku!! What are you doing!?!
(She runs out of the room leaving Yusaku too bewildered for words, and knowing that he will never get to sleep tonight after this.)
Ranma: <Damn that Yotsuya, eating all my dinner! Maybe this isn't a good idea, but...> Yo, Shampoo! Send me over something to eat, willya? HUH? Why not?
(Now we see Ranma bounding around town. We also see an image of Shampoo in the background, indicating Ranma's memory of what she just told her.)
Shampoo (memory): Great-grandmother out of town now. Mousse and I have to stay here to run restaurant. If you want food you need to come here to get it!
Ranma (memory): OK, but no little surprises this time like you tried this morning. Nothing weird in the food. Promise?
Shampoo (memory): OK.
Ranma: <Well, at least it gets me away from those people for a while.>
(Ranma, now outside the Cat Cafe, sees a mental image of Kuno, Kodachi, Happosai, Cologne, and Ryoga. As he makes the following observation, the image changes to Mitaka, Mrs. Ichinose, Yotsuya, Akemi, and Yusaku:)
Ranma: Although compared to some of the jerks I usually have to deal with, those Ikkoku people aren't so weird I guess.
(Ranma does a classic face-fault as he notices that the people in the latter mental image are actually present.)
Yotsuya: How nice to be appreciated.
Mrs. Ichinose: Makes you feel warm all over, don't it.
Akemi: Lucky we decided to head over here to keep you company.
(Ranma glares at Yotsuya.)
Ranma: And eating all of MY food didn't fill you up?
Yotsuya: Most assuredly it did. But this establishment serves alcoholic drinks as well.
(They walk in to the restaurant where they are greeted by Mousse [who for once is wearing his glasses].)
Mousse: Welcome! You must be the young lady from China, Liang Ye Ma!
Ranma: Yeah, uh, hi.
Mousse: {So of course you speak Chinese, you disgusting sack of shit!}
Ranma: (Mouthes off random syllables to try to sound as if he's speaking Chinese)
Mousse: Ha ha! (big smile as if making some friendly joke) {You are a womanizing cad who breaks the hearts of poor young women for his own amusement! You should have your genitalia cut off!}
Ranma: (more random syllables, big smile) Ha ha ha!!
(Shampoo comes up behind Mousse and whacks him upside the head. Mousse is dazed.)
Shampoo: Mousse! Shampoo not let you talk that way about her future husband!
Mousse (feebly): ... won't you be seated ...
(A little later, Mousse is bringing out food. The MI crowd is already boozing it up.)
Mousse: Large deluxe ramen.
Mitaka: I had the large deluxe ramen!
Mousse: I have it written down here: "Man in short-sleeve shirt: large deluxe ramen".
Mitaka: Yes, but I'M the man in the short-sleeve shirt!
Akemi: Don't see too well without your glasses, do you, hon.
Ichinose (who looks a little queasy, but is not letting it slow down her drinking): So these people are friends of yours?
Ranma: Yeah. Their names are Shan Pu and Mu Si, but everybody pronounces them "Shampoo" and "Mousse". They're both from some out-of-the-way place in China. Mousse has been in love with Shampoo since they were kids, but she won't marry the guy until he proves himself by combat.
Yotsuya: Is not the idea of determining marriage rights by combat considered primitive by modern-day standards?
Ranma: Yeah, well, you'd be surprised how many times I, uh, I mean my finance Ranma has gotten a challenge like this from some jerk or other.
(Mousse has overheard this last remark. He calls Ranma "loser" in Chinese. Ranma does not understand and nods in assent. Mousse is happy until he turns around in time to see Shampoo klonk him over the head with a pot.)
Ranma: So anyway, I really get sick of it.
Mrs. Ichinose: Urp. Don't say "sick".
Akemi: What's with you tonight? I thought you could hold your liquor better than any of us!
Mitaka: The three bottles she had on the tennis court probably didn't help.
Ichinose (looking queasy): I'll have you know that I don't get sick no matter how much I drink, and never will!
Yotsuya: Then how do you explain your current discomfort?
Ichinose: I've got a touch of the stomach flu.
Ranma: So won't drinking aggravate it?
Ichinose: I'm not the type to let a little pain boss me around. I am a dedicated drinker. A little thing like this isn't gonna stop me. I'm willing to put up with terrible agony for the sake of being able to have a good time!
Akemi: Is that so?
Ichinose: Yeah. The only time I ever stopped drinking was for the nine months I was carrying Kentaro. After that, I REALLY needed a drink. Now can we talk about something else?
Ranma: Yeah, like I was saying, no matter where I go, there's always somebody who wants to hurl a challenge...
Ichinose: Don't say "hurl". Urp. 'scuze me, be right back. (Goes off toward bathroom)
Akemi: Actually the challenge thing sounds kinda romantic. Let's have a challenge, Shun honey. If I win, you have to go out with me. If you win, I have to go out with you. (Mitaka is not amused.)
Ranma: Hey, there's a guy at Furinkan who keeps trying that strategy on me and Akane. Hasn't worked for him, though. Never will either.
Mitaka: There's a lesson there, I think.
Yotsuya: It occurs to me that we do have two young men here who are vying for the affections of the same woman. Perhaps a challenge should be arranged to settle the matter.
Yusaku: Are you saying that Mitaka and I should fight over Kyoko?
Yotsuya: Well, it would provide a great deal of entertainment to some of us.
Mitaka: There's other kinds of challenges, you know. Godai and I could compete in some sort of game of skill...
Yusaku: Like tennis? How dumb do you think I am, Mitaka?
Mitaka: Well, I guess it would be unfair of me, considering that I'm obviously the best athlete here.
Ranma: Is that so? Why don't you and I have a little fighting match tomorrow? Just for fun.
Mitaka: Sorry, I don't fight with pretty girls.
Ranma: Who's a g... oh yeah. OK, you can fight against Ranma then. Ranma Saotome happens to be ten times the athlete you are, pal, and he'll take you on anytime no matter what your game is!
Mitaka: Are you saying that he could beat me at tennis?
Ranma: You got it, jerk!
Mitaka: Have him meet me at the courts tomorrow at two in the afternoon. We'll see.
Yotsuya: It is settled, then. Competition through a surrogate. Ms. Liang's fiance Ranma will compete on Mr. Godai's behalf against Mr. Mitaka for the right to court our manager.
Ranma: Huh?
Yotsuya: Is that acceptable, Godai?
Yusaku: <That's not such a bad deal. If Mitaka loses, I might get him to leave Kyoko alone for good. But if he wins, Kyoko isn't going to choose him just because of some dumb bet. I can just claim I was drunk or something when I agreed to it.> Yeah, sure, why not?
(At this point Mrs. Ichinose staggers back from the bathroom. We also see that Shampoo has been listening.)
Ranma: Now wait just a minute here...
Mitaka: If you don't think this Ranma can measure up...
Ranma: Shut up, jerk! Ranma'll wipe the floor with your butt!
Yotsuya: The schools in China must be teaching a very colloquial version of Japanese.
Shampoo: Oh, Liang Xiaojie been in Japan long time. Not like Shampoo. Shampoo only come here a few months ago.
Yotsuya: And you, on the other hand, were taught to refer to yourself in the third person?
Shampoo: Yes. Shampoo take speaking lessons from American politician Bob Dole. (Everybody says "Who?", "Never heard of him", etc.)
Ichinose: What's going on?
Akemi: There's gonna be a grudge match. Our little love triangle is gonna be settled by a tennis match between Shun and Ranma.
Yotsuya: The outcome will determine who will have to give up on their mutual love interest.
Ichinose: Those two? I didn't think...
Yusaku: Oh, by the way. Remember at lunch, when I told you about the thing my grandmother gave me but I don't know what it is? This is it.
(Yusaku produces from his coat pocket a small reddish crystal. There is a strange glow from inside the crystal. Ranma and Shampoo look at it.)
Ranma: I've never seen anything like this before.
Shampoo: Aiya! Shampoo think this maybe special item. Show to great grandmother when she get back.
Ranma: Yeah, that old ghoul knows all about stuff like this.
Shampoo: Great grandmother is not ghoul!
Yusaku: What do you think about this tennis match tomorrow, Shampoo?
Shampoo: Ranma is good athlete, but he no can beat professional.
Ranma: Oh yeah? We'll see!
Shampoo: Shampoo think Ranma not win any sets at all tomorrow.
Ranma: Well then, why don't we have a little bet of our own? For every set I win, you owe me a free dinner. Without any of your funny stuff in it this time.
Yusaku: Funny stuff? Have we been eating "funny stuff"?
Yotsuya: I have not been particularly amused by it.
Shampoo: And if Ranma lose?
Ranma: If I... if Ranma loses the match, Ranma will give his shampoo a great big kiss! (Shampoo's eyes light up on hearing this.)
Shampoo: I so happy!! After Ranma kiss Shampoo, he toss aside Akane for good!
Ichinose: Urp... Don't say "toss".
(Cut to the group making their way home, most of them are obviously quite inebriated. Mrs. Ichinose seems to have recovered, and is BWAHAHAHAHAing most of the way. Yusaku is aside with Ranma.)
Yusaku: You better not lose.
Ranma: Don't worry. But there is something you can do for me before then. I need to get back at that jerk Yotsuya for eating my dinner tonight.
Yusaku: Whatever it is, I love it. That guy's been a pain in my rear since I met him.
(They all get back to MI. After they go up the steps, Kyoko locks the door, shuts off the hallway lights, and goes back to her room.)
Kyoko: <I wish they wouldn't stay out so late. I'm tired. A quick cup of teaand I'm going right to bed.> (She starts to fix said cup of tea.) >Yusaku has been spending a lot of time with that Chinese girl. I wonder...>
(The teapot starts whistling, indicating that the water is boiling. Kyoko seems unaware of this.)
Kyoko: <It's no concern of mine who Yusaku goes out with.>
(Yusaku is in his room, ready to sleep. He is wearing earmuffs.)
Yusaku: <With these earmuffs on I won't be able to hear Ranma's snoring.>
(Cut back to Kyoko. Her water is boiling rapidly, but she apparently hasn't
noticed.)
Kyoko: How can they possibly say I could be jealous of Yusaku. I'm a married woman! What he does with that girl is his own affair! I mean...
(She finally looks at her water, much of which has by now boiled away.)
Kyoko: That's funny, I thought I put in more water than that.
(Cut away to Yusaku in his room.)
Yusaku: <Aaaahhhhh... Yes...>
(Kyoko slurps down a cup of tea. Suddenly, she looks like she's in a trance.)
(Back to Yusaku in his room.)
Yusaku: <Tonight I'm really gonna get some sleep.>
(Kyoko moves up the darkened stairs.)
Kyoko (melodically): Yu- sak- u...
(Yusaku's door creeps open. He is not aware of it. Kyoko moves over to him and starts caressing him. He sleepily goes along with it until he realizes what's happening.)
Yusaku: Wha -- This isn't a dream!?! Oh, Kyoko!
(Yusaku starts to return Kyoko's advance. Abruptly, she comes out of her trance and is quite surprised at where she is. She pulls away and gives Yusaku a good slap.)
Kyoko: Yusaku!! What are you doing!?!
(She runs out of the room leaving Yusaku too bewildered for words, and knowing that he will never get to sleep tonight after this.)
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